One Last Laugh

Totally don't have time for this. But it's important coz today is my last scale day and possibly blog day and maybe even calorie-count-ability day (fml).

Yesterday final cal count: 660 (yuckos)

Today's weight: back up to 123.2 (dang it)

Today's intake so far: 15 for 2 strawberries

Plan for the week: restrict absolutely as much as possible, it's fine if these people end up looking at me weird, who the hell are they anyways? I have a goal to meet!

So see you when I can, pretties. Love you all! Bones are beautiful. <3

Ta-Ta For Now, Darlings

So, this is likely to be my last post before I head off to West Virginia on a service trip for spring break. I leave at 8am tomorrow! Whoot!

Alrite...remember how I was expecting a higher number on the scale yesterday morning? Up from my previous weight of 123.2? (which I think I accidentally may have left unannounced, actually...anyways.) I stepped on AFTER a cup of tea, 1/2 cup of coffee, and 2 strawberries, and...was 123.1. Say whaaaaaaaaa?! I'll take it!

But of course, I would expect it to affect me later tho, as in, this morning. Especially as I was a bit naughty yesterday. Already had around 500 cals, before we ordered chinese...I really really wouldn't recommend General Tso's tofu. It was edible tho. I fully expected to eat all of it, but I didn't even eat 1/2. So that's all good and well...but then I drank my face off and got completely wasted. Fuck hangovers, lmbo. SO. The number on the scale today is gonna be completely skyrocketed, yeah?

122.2.

Hellz yes!

I can't celebrate TOO too much tho, as some of it is probably water weight. Also, celebrating makes me think of alcohol and food, which in turn make me think of how great regurgitated tofu and vodka tasted this morning...yummmmm.

On the bright side, I probably burned off at least some of the liquid fat by making out hardcore with my babe last night. He's getting better at kissing. :) (At first, he used waaaay too much tongue; problem is, I'm a very conservative tongue-user. Just for teasing. :) Mmmm he's so warm and cuddly! And he doesn't try anything naughty! What a boy. Won't see him/talk to him for a week now tho, damn spring break. (Just kidding spring break I love you don't leave meeee!)  Also, since I was sick as a dog most of today, my cal count will be higher again. At 370 already, and it's only 4pm. Garr. But maybe my metabolism is upped?

Hopefully I'll be even better for Dylan next time I see him, but it'll be hard, as I'll have to eat with the others on the trip, and also I won't have access to a scale allllll week! :( I was really happy tho last night, when he draped his arms around me he touched my hipbones and ribs and called me his cute tiny beautiful girl! Yays for weight loss!! :) Okay, I reeeeeally need to stop talking about him, I'm sure I've bored you all to death about it by now.

K well, I'd better get a-packing! The next 16 hours will just fly by! Wish me luck staying strong this week, and everybody enjoy the lovely lovely springish weather and feel beautiful and thin and cheeeeeeerful!!!!!!!! Love you all and I'll miss everyone!!! Buh-byeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! <3
<3
<3
<3

Kittens have nothing to do with anything, besides the fact they're adorable.

(Shh. Maybe you can't see him, but there's totally a cat in this pic. But don't tell, he's hiding. :)

Hugs from me to everyone! <3

I think he gave up mouses for Lent.

Don't laugh. I'm totally serious. :)

And there you have it, darlings.
Kittens are adorable, and bones are beautiful. <3

p.s. did you see did you see did you see?! Updated my countdown thingy!! :) <3

Oh, My Aching Guilt Factory

Just wanted to let y'all know how the Vespers dinner went.

I was so happy the chili had meat! So none of that for me! But I still had to eat SOMEthing, and even when I did, my friends still freaked out that it wasn't enough. So, here's what I ended up with.

1/2 cup VERY buttery mashed taters: 110
~1/8 cup oyster crackers: 10
graaaaapes: 25

day's total (250) + dinner total (145) == 395

Well, not as bad as I thought it was. But I'm not finished.

Vespers dessert. Yes, I really just said that.

1/4 cup vanilla ice cream: 60
1/4 cup fudge n vanilla: 65
1/4 cup cookies n cream: 70

395 + 195 == 590

Fml. But I'm not even done yet. After Dylan and I walked back to mine, I wanted to get rid of those pb balls, but he was really uncomfortable eating one if I wasn't going to. So I did. Add 100 onto that score there.

690. OMFG EFFING FML.

With no cals burned either, cept maybe 2, 2.5 hours of walking. Poo.
So I'm expecting a higher number on the scale tomorrow. But it will serve as motivation for a better, more in-control day with less excuses!! Actually NO excuses!! I've decided, day-time fast, possibly a 24-hour one, but depends on what Dylan wants to do tomorrow night. :) Mmm, good thing I've just gotten some new flavors of tea!!

And now that this post has gotten much, much longer than it ever should have been,
Good-night, lovelies. Sleep well and have a beautiful morning!!

Before It's Too Late

Hello girls!

I just wanted to put up my intake for today before I went to the Lenten dinner at Chapel with the new bf/binged my face off there because I've just been starving today for some reason!!

Here goes:
pb ball (1st thing in the morning, who's heard of a morning binge?!): 100
1/2 bag of lettuce: 30
topped with 1/2 pint of strawberries: 50
yogurt just now to shut my hunger pangs up: 70

So far, total of: 250.

Gar I feel that all I ever do is eat my face off! Yet, 250 is still a pretty good, low number. We'll see how this dinner goes... at least I have a hardcore excuse to not eat the beef!! :)

ttfn beauties, think skinny thoughts!
Bones are Beautiful <3

How Could I Forget?

Just a couple quick things that I should've mentioned in today's real post!

1st of all, helLO to my two lovely new followers, Lillieflower and Charl.!! My goodness I hope that I can inspire you or something! :)

Also, a couple posts ago, I mentioned Losertown, but I admit I completely looked at the wrong date. For real now, I can allegedly be down to 118ish by the time my friend visits on the 27th; that's if I do no exercise whatsoever and also stay under 600 cals/day. So I think I need to be between 115-117 when she arrives, which is higher than my previous March 27th goal of 110-115. Ah vell, maybe I'll hit 115 and fulfill both? :)

M'k, ta-ta for realz this time. Have a lovely night and empty morning! :)
Bones are beautiful <3

Hard Work DOES Pay Off!

GUESS WHO'S OFFICIALLY A GIRLFRIEND!?

I'm so very excited! That extra 2.2 pound loss may have inspired him, or at least strengthened his resolve; before he asked me to be his girl, we had the most lovely convo about how large his hands and feet and height and general-ness of being are, relative to me and mine. I love being the tiny sweetheart. :) This is a major part of what I was working for. My God, that boy is sweeter than honey!

I decided that since today is Mardi Gras/Fat Tuesday, I would give myself a little leeway on the cals, up to 650. Guess what, I totalled what I ate, and still ended up with less than 500! And I thought I had been nomming SO much all day! Here's the grand sum here:

Lean Cuisine (with chicken and shrimp, but I didn't finish all of it): 230
a slice of bread: 70
a small mix of corn and okra: 60
3-4 melon spears: 40-ish
2 m&m's: idk, 5?

Total: 405

Without even trying. :) After my bought of illness this morning, I made sure to chug the liquids more today (though still not enough, I don't think), so there might be a slight gain of water weight tomorrow. I'll hate it, but I'll live with it.

The sweetie's coming with me to Ash Wednesday Vespers tomorrow night, I'm excited for him to meet my church friends! I hope he's not too intimidated though, meeting them early and such. My one guy friend should be some good convo for him though, coz they're both that crazy-smart engineer type. Ahhh, my boy's so intelligent. And good-looking.

I apologize for my twitter-pated-osity lovlies! But my head's just not screwed on straight now! I love you all, and stay strong to acheive the beautiful goals you're striving for!

It looks so easy for him...

Will he be able to hold me up too...?

Bones are beautiful, and so are crushes. <3

Addicted...

Okay so, I was going to use every spare second for studying, but I had to put the news out there! (Can't get away from here lol.)

Okay, so y'all know my post-binge weight was 128.
Yesterday (Monday) I was down to 126!

Aaand...(drumroll, please!)...
Today I'm down to 123.8!!

I was so happy, I just had to tell you guys. I'll *probably* make up a real post later on tonight, after I leave my my boy. :)

Stay strong and boney and beautiful girls!! <3

~I am writing this part the day before I post it. I'm hoping that since it's already typed out, established, more permanent than a thought, I will be unable to break the dream that binds it.~

Alrite, Monday, what a good day! All I've had to eat today was canteloupe. Delish! I'm trying the GM Diet for this week, although it'll be cut short Saturday. And I can't eat the beef, because I'm a vegetarian for the duration of Lent, but maybe a Boca burger or something tofu. *[Important Later Addition! Eating meat after beinga vegetarian awhile can be discomforting and badddd, so ease back into it, if you plan to.]* And though it says nothing about cals, I'm nervous about that so I'm still counting. I know it sounds funny, coming from a car company, but...it makes sense. And I'd just like to try it, too. Good ol' mom, buying me a canteloupe for school before I even asked, just at the right time!

I woke up empty today, after not giving in to the temptation of those sweets mom and my dad's gf sent with me. Also, brought the Thin Mints to Swedish today, and my friends gobbled up most of them and I gave the rest away, so no need to worry about them! For the peanut butter balls, I'm allowing myself 1 per day.

I have not gone over 500 cals today. In fact, I have not come close to that. The peanut butter ball was 100ish, and the rest was canteloupe. It's 277 cals for an entire large melon (defined as 6-6.5" diameter), so since I did not deviate from the diet except for very minimal liquid cals, I expect an awesome number on that scale tomorrow.

~Let's see.~

Bah-ba-ba-da! The Real Deal:

I'll give the quickest run-down of "so far today" as I can. Need to get cramming, so may not be able to read/comment/update till very late tomorrow.

Had 2 Thin Mints for a total of 80 cals, as my friends refused to eat more of them unless I'd eat with them. But now they're gone and I don't need to worry about them. Easy-peasy.

I did wake up empty, but I've already screwed up on the GM. Intended to cut out the pb ball coz of the cookies, but ate it anyway, along with 1/2 a choco-pretzel. Going with 100 cals on both, I'm at 280 plus canteloupe and fighting the bingies as I type. No good, as I'm to study soon - argh what do you guys do for study munchies?

SlimQuick Naturals was on clearance at Walgreens so I thought I'd give that a go, as I've heard good things about it. I'll update y'all on that once I get into it.

The Dreaded Shopping Story

Okay, since my posts tend to get so long, I'm making this as short as possible as well. My friend I went to IHOP with was always bigger than me, always, and sometimes much bigger. She's lost weight recently, just as I gained my college pounds. We were trying on clothes, and we were switching with each other as we're now approximately the same size. That was a blow to me, but I tried to be proud of her for it. I mean, I am happy she's lost weight. But still.

Anyways, the store used crazy sizes so we asked for help. NOTE: In jeans with sizes like that, I was in the low-20's at my LW. So. She asks for something similar to a size 9, and I say that I've been around a 5-7ish. The lady gets her a 28 and me a 26. Okay, not so bad...right? I was glad that I was at least still smaller than her, even though she wears her clothes tight. Well...those 26's didn't make it past my fat fat fatty hips. (For the record, they would've fit my waist, but my goddamn hips got in the way 1st). And my friend? 28 was much too large, so she squeezed down into the 26 I just had to shamefully step out of. True, she had a muffin-top, but still, she had them ON.

I fucking suck.

So. Here's the deal. We ended up loving the same skirt later, and since it was on clearance, there was only a medium and a large left. As they both fit us both, I ended up with the medium. Now. She's coming down to get schnackered with me on the 27th of March. We decided we were going to wear these crazy awesome matching skirts. My goal is to be very noticeably smaller than her by then, and PROVE that I DESERVE to wear the smaller skirt. And I will. That's been the status quo since the moment we met each other, and I'm not going to let this sudden flip-flop stick around. Be as thin as you want, my dear, but I'm supposed to be thinner.

I sound horrible. How could I think this way of my best friend? I'm not sure, but I do know that it is hella good inspiration and it stopped me from having another pb ball/choco pretzel already today. Losertown informs me that if I stick to under 600 cals a day, even without exercise I could potentially be between 103-105 lbs by that time. Next week while I'm in WV it might be rough, but there will be lots of manual labor. And as she's no longer getting married in June, this is my new goal time. I'll make my new GW for then be between 110-115 to be on the safe side.

Between 100-115 by March 27. That's about 3 weeks.

I love you darling.
But I will be thinner.
I will be smaller.
I will be skinnier.
I will be more delicate than you've ever come close to.

I pray I don't ruin what we have.

I am a wretched human being.

But I'll be a lovely one.

My bones will be beautiful. <3

This Weekend: GoodgoodgoodBINGE

Hi. I feel that my posts tend to be erratic and don't always follow, but if they make sense to at least some people and maybe inspire them, then it's all good. Also, sorry for the recent lack of thinspo, can't do that on my mom's computer. :(

I'll give yesterday and today the best overview I can, but I'm feeling really shitty about them and also I need to finish packing and be up in less than 5 hours to drive back to school in time to sing in Chapel. [Note: stopped in the middle of writing this, then continued today. I'll break it up so it's easier to get lol]

-Friday-
Yesterday's cal count came to under 200, but my dad took us to Cracker Barrel for his birthday. They don't post their nutritional info (they state plainly on their site that they can't - so you KNOW it's bad), but I ordered the veggie platter or whatevs they call it. All their "veggies" looked horrible cal-wise, but I ended up getting okra, carrots, applesauce, and cottage cheese. Felt like shit after stuffing all that down but it was delish and I couldn't stop myself. Cause I thought I had blown pretty much everything after that (I was SO stuffed!), I had a binge on Ritz crackers (1/2 sleeve), cheddar goldfish crackers, and craisens. Then I actually thought I'd punish myself  by looking up the cals I ate at Cracker Barrel...turns out my day's total would have been less than 800 cals. Shit.

-Saturday-
So then today I was awesome again. My bff that I haven't seen in FOREVER wanted to go to IHOP for lunch, coz that used to be our thing. Looked up their nutrition online - OMG. AVOID IHOP AT ALL COSTS. But I ordered a "fit" (whatev they call that option on their menu) 2x2x2, which is 2 pancakes, 2-ish eggs' worth of scrambled egg substitute, and 2 strips of bacon. My friend wanted the bacon and I only had a few bites of the eggs, and since the total was 400 for all of it, I think I probably had 200, maybe 250 cals worth.

Then my dad wanted to go out for the inevitable family birthday dinner. Awful place! I was looking for a vegetarian option, and when I finally saw the veggie burger, I was so happy! Until I saw that they slather it with gallons of BBQ sauce. Shit. So ordered a caesar salad, no chicken, and a cup of chili. Came with a breadstick, but also ate my dad's gf's breadstick, and a couple of my bro's chili cheese fries. (Read an article once, chili cheese fries are one of the worst foods on the planet, literally.) So...I'm guessing total around, 600-700?

-Evil Saturday Night Fiasco-
Terrifyingly long story short: peanut butter balls. crisco, chocolate, peanut butter, butter-butter, rice crispies. leftover chocolate, so made chocolate-covered big sourdough pretzels. Didn't realize EACH pretzel was 100 cals till after several of them. Probably around 1000 cals right there. AND his gf sent a whole container of them home with me. They're on the kitchen table. Taunting me. They've been calling me all evening. That, and the box of Girl Scout Thin Mints my mom sent with me, sitting next to them. Garrr.

-The Weigh-Ins-
My mom got a new electronic scale for her apartment, as our old dial-y one stayed with my dad at his house. I'm not sure how accurate it is compared to mine, but it looks super-sleek and legit. This weekend's tally: even after Friday night's binge, I was only still at 125.5! A gain of only 0.1 lbs? Better than what could've been!

...and what was. After the above-mentioned Fiasco, weighed in on mom's scale at 128 even. Rawr! I am a fatty cow that cannot control myself!! This is why I can't bake anymore, even though I used to love it so.

-Sunday Evening (Now)-
So, all I had today was *most* of a veggie burger at a sports grill, which I figure to be around 300-400 cals. Also, one of the damned peanut butter balls. I have no idea, so I'm gonna go high and guess 100? But that's a complete guess, so maybe that's not even high.

Tomorrow, I'm going to tell you a story of incredible heartbreak, frustration, and a new goal arising from the ashes of my tears. Or something. (a.k.a. shopping with my friend. I'm sure you probably know what THAT means...) But this post has become long enough! (Not to mention, the wound's still a little fresh.)

So, until tomorrow, pretties!
Bones are beautiful <3

...And Again

I'm having a tad bit of a mental breakdown right now (thank goodness no binging involved!!) but it's making me feel a little better being on here and remembering that we all share the struggle. Also, amazing-fantastic-super-awesome weight update at the end, if you can make it that far lol!

Quickest run-down possible: So, I asked Dylan what he thought of me and if he wanted us to see each other more, and he said things like I'm cute and nice and etc. (awwww, that sweet boy!) and yes, he'd love to spend more time together. (Oh, my heartstrings...) I decided to walk him home for once and we ended up watching a movie and I ended up sleeping on his futon. :) ...Or "sleeping". I'm a very light sleeper and I was hungry and dehydrated and in a new place and argh just everything, so I was awake nearly the ENTIRE night. But I had to get up to leave for class this morning and he was so sweet about it, even though he didn't need to get up yet and we KISSED! :) But of course I made it awkward after (I'm pretty sure), gawwwwwd I hate myself sometimes.

Anyways, from lack of sleep and I don't know, there had to be something else, I was going from completely PO'd to euphoric and back again, all over the board today. It was a completely miserable day! But even though I wanted to eateateat so bad just like, 1/2 hour ago, some coffee and gum have fixed me up for now. Today I've had:

1/2 serving of OJ, 55 cals
1/4 of leftover Boca burger, 65 cals
1/2 serving of mini rice cakes, 55 cals

for a grand total of 175 so far.

:)

But, my dad is coming down to pick me up and take me home tonight, and he wants to eat a late dinner at Cracker Barrel. :( Argh!! Used to be my favorite, so I'll have to eat...everything is deep-friend and chock-full of cals-cals-cals-cals-cals!! Must look up their web site and figure out my order before-hand...I'm not guaranting that I'll be able to stay under 500 today tho. Damn it, I hope I don't lose the momentum I've been building this last week!!

And tomorrow's agenda will be even worse. It's my dad's b-day dinner. Here's a baseline portrait to start off with: last Saturday, he said he went with his girlfriend to KFC for dinn, THEN to DQ for dessert!! Omfg!! So, now try to imagine a "special birthday dinner". Noooooot looking forward to that...will probably be able to avoid cals during the day for the most part though. Depends on my mom, who uses me being home as an excuse to stuff her horrible face, especially since my little bro will be at my dad's this weekend. My fam is soooo disgusting. :(

Sunday I'll have to eat both brekkie and lunch, as I'll be under the watchful eye of both my mom and gramma. And my friends expect me to go to dinner with them as well...ahhhhh hellllllp!!

One of the "euphoric" moments today tho was a side-walk sale I passed downtown. Usually they're pretty crappy excuses for sales, but they actually had some nice stuff on the rack for a darn good price today. I ended up getting a reaaaally cute dressy top and the cutest jumper ever! I've never had a jumper before, but I'm wearing it now for encouragement about the weekend. Def shows off my waist, which is fine, but I have sooooo much weight to lose on my legs before I can wear it this summer. Omg I effing love it tho. Also bought a dress, which I was terrified of because it's quite slinky and I was afraid my tum would look mungo in it. But it was cute so I tried it on, and oh my, starry-eyed surprise, abso-fricking-lutely amazing!

Drumroll, please....when I weighed in yesterday morning I was...125.4!! Omg down like 4 something pounds!! Yesssssss!! This morning I was up by 0.2 pounds...but I ended up walking like 10 miles today so maybe that'll help for tomorrow? Oh wait, won't be able to weigh myself till Monday. [Cue sudden inner tension.] Shit. :(

Okay well, I'll try to update this weekend, but if I don't, wish  me luck and know that I'm thinking of you all!! Love and bones to all you beauties!! <3

That Was NOT a Walk of Shame

Hello!

I'll get around to the Walk-of-Shame fiasco in just a minute, but I want to recap yesterday's awesomeness 1st! Since it's almost like 2 days in 1, this may be a longish post, but I'll do my best to keep it Occam's Razor coz I've a lot to do and not much time to do it!

Yesterday I had 1/2 serving of OJ for brekkie, 55 cals. Then before the Bdub's date I decided that I didn't want to break what was essentially a mini-liquids fast with crazyness, so I had 1/4 serving of Quaker's "Quakes" caramel mini rice cakes, which came to about 27 and something-ith cals, but that's silly so I rounded to 30. Then at Bdub's, if I had wanted to binge, I couldn't have!! Between stomach shrinkage and general stomach touchiness lately I suppose. Anyways, 1/2 Boca burger for 125 cals, and a side salad, which was allegedly 99 cals...? But I didn't eat the croutons and left a bunch scattered round the bowl; but put a 40-cal dressing packet on...so I'm saying that the salad came to a total of 100 cals. No cals for the rest of the amazing night except a few sips of a non-alcoholic margarita, but I'm not counting that because 1. Idk how many cals it would be anyway!! and 2. It was a magical, shared margarita, so therefore doesn't count. Right? Oh, I did try 1 small bite of my drunk friend's ice cream.

So that gives me:
55 + 30 + 125 + 100 == 310. On a hang-out AND date-night even!! Proud of that!

Shee-oot, did not realize how late it was getting! I'll have to post again later (sorry for double-posting!) to tell about what happened with Dylan (aka the above-mentioned fiasco!) and also about today!

Alright lovies, stay boney and beautiful!! <3

p.s. I just realized how lame it is that my title has nothing to do with what's actually in my post. Saaaad. :-P

Update on Tonight

Hello again!

So, I wasn't sure why my tummy is being so crappy right now, but I thought maybe it was lack of food...? I don't know, it just felt kind of like after you fast awhile. So I made 1/2 a grill cheese, which was 60 cal for the cheese and 80 for the bread, bringing my total to

320.

Then after Vespers, I made sure everyone knew I was feeling under the weather, the plan being so I didn't need to eat the snack. Unfortunately, snack was Little Caesar's Pizza. Which, I suppose, if you're going for fast-foody pizza, LC's is the place to go for the healthiER stuff, but still. I'm a sucker for pizza. So I took a slice of the cheese. Only ate 1/2 the cheese and picked the rest off, and left a large portion of the crust on my plate as well. Oh, and the slice I grabbed was abnormally small, like 1/2 the size of a normal slice. So even though 1 slice is allegedly 250 cal (omg for 1 slice?!), I'm counting it as 200. Probably an over-estimate, but better to over-estimate and do better tomorrow than under-estimate and get cozy. :(

The pizza thing nearly started a binge-fiasco, I could feel that...you know, feeling coming on. Fought it and beat it. :) So I guess I ended my day with a sort-of success!! 520 total cals, but beat the bingey blues. :)

God, I still feel like shit though. Needed to do better today so I could maybe be a little littler for Dylan tomorrow night. :) Ugh going to Bdub's...the Boca burger is only 250 cals tho, so maybe I'll have 1/2 of that and a salad to fill me up! Haha I remember long time gone, I used to go on Thursdays for the boneless deal thing. Btw, 8 wings is something like 800 cals. Dear God.

Speaking of chicken, it's official and I've announced it to the world: I'm going vegetarian for lent, which is in a week. I'm already mostly vegetarian anyways, meat just isn't as awesome as, say, celery. :) But at least no one will be able to seriously question my motives. And I'm doing it for a totally legit reason, too. My body is God's temple, and even though I'm Lutheran, Catholicism says gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins, right? Lee-jit.

Now, cram for psych midterm or pass out and feel better for tomorrow...? We'll see I guess.

Love to all, and wish you success on whatevs you're doing to be beauuuuuutiful and boney! <3

grumble-grumble-grumble

Ack, my tummy's really upset today, prolly from that junk I ate last night. (I gained a full-on pound from it.) I'm lactose-intolerant, so all the cheese plus that ice cream really did me wrong in more ways than one! Haha prolly doesn't help my tum that all I've had today was a yogurt.

That was according to plan for the most part, but I ended up not eating any for brekkie but had some at 2pm and 3.30pm, before and after choir. Had orange juice for brekkie tho, 8 oz == 110 cals. So, 180 total for today.

Shee-oot! I really really want to go to the gym, but I feel like crud! Gah, I think I'll go anyway...yes, I think so. (Wow, who knew talking it out on a blog could be so gym-inspiring?) But I MUST finish my Swedish homework 1st, I can't keep leaving it till 20 mins before I leave in the morning. Also, I have a psych midterm tomorrow, so I don't know when I'll be cramming for that as I'm so super-busy Wednesdays... shucks. Need neeeeeeed to do well...if I go workout, even for a short time, all I'll have time to do is come home, shower, then leave for choir practice, which is right before Vespers, which is right before Vespers snack. Bleh! Can't keep eating, it's killing my stomach. MUST workout. I want to sososoooo badly! Ah well, debating it on here isn't going to add any extra time to my schedule. I'll have time tomorrow after my midterm I suppose. I swear I had something going on but I can't find my goddamn planner. So tough dice for that event lol!!

'kay, don't think I have much else to say at the moment, I apologize for the lack of an invigorating yet inspiring post. Haha I don't think anybody reads mine anyways as it's so boring and selfish a failure-filled. Ah well, it inspires me anyways. Today's thinspo is inspired by my grumpy tummy.

Is this not sooo beautiful? I want to wear matchy underthings like that.



In my gallery, my title for this one is "hmm, do I really need chinese food?"



I'm going to have my button buttoned one day too.

I think I'll start scattering them more to make my posts more interesting, lol. Love and bones to y'all!! <3

Lorelei, Let's Live Together

Okay, so Lorelei is a Styx song, but you'll have to forgive me as I'm listening to my Aero-Styx mix (omg that is a legit awesome name, I'm officially calling it that now) that I always listen to when I'm feeling shitty.

I don't even feel like typing right now. But I will anyway.

Sorry if everything comes rushing out incoherently.

Sooo....my total for today was (*was*) 70. Just a light Activia Yogurt, 1/2 for brekkie, 1/2 for like...lunchish at 3pm. Wasn't even hungry or anything, but my friend and I made plans to eat at her workplace once she got off. Her workplace == University Housing Food. So, this was a bad idea from the get-go. But one thing I've really noticed and experienced myself is that the thinner you get, the more obsessed you get, the closer you get to your goals, the more your friends suck. Not really, it's just perception, but...I'm sure alot of you know how it is. So for those of you who don't, hold onto it. Go out to eat with friends now if you need to, coz later on, you can't/won't/won't want to anyways. So, I went for it. They don't even serve salads or anything, so I was planning on getting a pizza and saving 1/2 for another day.

Riiight.

Binged on that, also bought these things called "Justin sticks" and also cinnamon sticks, coz I've never eaten there before and apparently they were "must-have!". At least these two were for the group (her bf came as well), so I was planning to make a show of eating the smallest piece of each and raving about the deliciousness of them and letting her bf eat the rest. He prolly could've eaten it all even lol. Crazy fun guy but eats crazily too. Anyways, bust on that too. Blehhh. But still, as I got the thin-crust pizza and the healthiest toppings and left off much of the cheese, I roughly figured that what I ate was about 500-600 cals worth. Soooo bleh, but at least not over-the-top.

Then the walk home.

Okay, I should mention that I walked the 2 miles there and the 2 miles home, as I was supposed to work out today but couldn't because of the dinner date, which makes about...hm, I think nearly 10 miles walking about today. Still, walking isn't lifting or biking. And on the way home, I always need to walk through downtown...that was the end of me. Everything smelled so...smelly! In a desirable way! And even though I was full to bursting, I was still in bingey-mode. I made it almost, almostalmostalmost all the way home...then I passed my fave ice cream shop. (Why does it HAVE to be located right on my corner?! WTH?!) I prepared myself for a block in advance, not to go in, not to think of it, think of thin, think of already full, just walk...then I paused outside the door.

The pause killed me.

I got a single-scoop dish (improvement for me, I guess, coz I always used to get waffle cones even though they cost more coz I love love love them.) of some kind of malty one. Ugh, malty?! I couldn't at least get the green tea flavored, oh no, even though that's pretty tasty, I guess if I'm gonna fuck myself over I might as well go all the way. :(

So...get home...chugging tea and water like you wouldn't believe to end this madness. Then I get a text that thouroughly ...idk. Pissed me off, crushed my heart, made me cry, damaged my hope. From the same friend as I was just laughing and joking and pigging out with. So I made a fozen pizza, and didn't manage to toss it till I'd eaten 1/2. So, ice cream 200 and 1/2 pizza 200 and previous 600 or so == omfg. Not again. God damn binges. Hate it. Hate it all. Hate my life.

I've determined I'm a smile-stealer.

...Okay, no wussing out, must post the total. Oh shit this hurts. Ohhhhh...

800+ cals. Just one day.

Omg can't wait till the gym tomorrow, don't care if I'm still sore I'm gonna push myself till I can barely drag myself sweaty and beaten to Vespers. All I'm going to eat tomorrow is 1 yogurt, same 1/2 and 1/2 principle, and a little something awhile before workout so I don't absolutely collapse. Of course, today's cals will prolly still be clogging my system tomorrow, so I won't be hungry and won't need to nibble too much before the gym. Also, I'll need to eat the after-Vespers snack with my friends because I think my one good friend is catching on that's something's odd about my eating. (I wish I could combine her and I though, she's literally addicted to exercise and can get up at 6am to do it too.)

Just need to keep it low for now coz I'm going home this weekend...so many dangerous pitfalls and sandtraps for me to fall in...but more on that later, can't even think of that now, must just keep the cal count low as possible and continue to beat the hell out of myself. For Dylan, for myself, for the world so they don't have to put up with me and look at me. (Are you/Have you ever been okayish friends with an obv overweight person? Don't read me wrong; several of my very close friends are a tad chubbsy. It's got nothing to do with the beauty inside. But...isn't it just a little...uncomfortable? When that one bit of conversation glances at the topic of food or weight, just in passing, but then there's that one moment, when you know that while maybe you're not ideal, you're still much much thinner and healthier and more attractive than that person...idk, it's weird. I don't think I'm explaining the idea right and I'm just sounding like a douche.) (That was a long parenthetical thing.)

God, that boy Dylan...we had a wonderful time last night. I don't even remember now if I talked about it, but I will next post if I haven't already. But he wants to see me again. :) On Thursday night though...2 nights from now, ish. Less than 48 hours. Will I be able to recover from tonight's failure? Will I be able to be thinner for him? Will I look attractive and desirable to him even though I'm still in the 120's? (Btw, [god, how do I keep forgetting to mention this? It's like, the most important reason for the existance of this blog!] I lost another 0.2 pounds between yesterday and today. Not much, not noticeable, not significant, not enough. And now, after tonight, not anything. Not existant. Fuuudge.)

I'll tell you more about that horrible, singular, devestating text in another post coz I'm spent and it's much too depressing for someone who's already mindfucked and I still have Swedish homework to do. Oh gods, homework. I've been falling more and more and more behind every day in the work, the readings, even the going to class part of class, hah. Christ, I need to get my effing head on straight. Quick straight and in a hurry! Or I'm done for. In all ways.

Clearly.

Screwed.

I'm sorry lovlies that I have neither the time nor the energy to post thinspo, so here's to hoping that my fail will serve as a powerful reverse-thinspo to you.

...

God I wasn't even HUNGRY I could've had SEVENTY cals for the day but no!!!  FFFFFFFFFFFFFML

Okay, sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. Thanks for reading this far, just needed to get this out. Oh, I also just realized that I mentioned my smile-thief theory above; well, that'll just have to wait till I also talk about that horrible text. So...sorry for the abundant lameness of today's post. I feel lame. I AM lame, just some people don't realize it yet. Blehhhhhhhhhhatehatehatehatehatehate.

Alrite, out-of-hand, need to stop it now. Y'all are my thinspo, just so ya know. Stay strong and boney and beautiful. <3

OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!!!!

My goodness my goodness, how could I forget? I was going to stick this in at the end of the last post but I figured it deserved a happier title than that. And so you get 2 posts in 1 day. Double whammy.

I LOST 4 POUNDS THIS MORNING SINCE MY LAST WEIGH-IN!!!!

4 exclamation points for 4 pounds, lol.

This is the 1st time I've been under 130 since my 2 bad, bad, bingey weekends.

Still too cowardly/desolate to change my counter at the side though.
Tomorrow, I promise.
Right after I tell you I had the best date ever and I still lost a couple pounds. Right?

Okay Dylan darling, I may have fucked up just a bit ago but I'm feeling reenergized thinking of that loss today, so I'm not gonna screw this developing thing between us up, alright?

Goddamn he's so sweet. I need him.
He has beautiful eyes too.
I hope I can live up to him.

Love to all!!!! (Hey, there's those 4 again. Do I always put 4 in?)
Bones are beautiful <3

What Have I Done?

Ohmygawdddddd what did I just do!? Just ate ate ate, that's what. Actually, it wouldn't be a problem coz it was low-cal, and not realllllly a binge, and I'm still under 500 for the day, but for 2 things. 1, DATE with DYLAN tonight. I hope I'm not so bloaty from this bread!! and 2, DATE with DYLAN tonight, meaning that we're going somewhere to...eat. Well, at least I'm full to nearly bursting now so I won't be hungry and won't each much (read: won't make a gobbling pig of myself) in front of him.

Which brings me to another problem. Guys like girls that eat, that don't always just order the salads, that aren't always checking the cal-count and asking for no-fat dressing and creamer, that can handle and damnit, enjoy those ribs they just grilled. Unfortuneately, they also love the skinny girls. The ones they can whisk up in their arms, the ones they can playfully swing out of the way, etc etc. So what are girls to do? Obviously not eat when they're not around the guys and only eat when they're there. But how much is right?

Argh I don't know. I feel like this one sandwich has blown my chances of ever being with that boy. God how could I do this?!

Well, I've 2 hours in which to prepare myself for this date, then an hour meeting. Where they're serving snacks every week of course, and this week there's 2 snack-bringing people to get offended if one single little girl doesn't nosh out on their stupid brownies or cakes or deep-fried coconut-peanutbutter-chocolate-lard-flavored ice cream or what the hell ever they bring. Blehhhhhh. Will sit on the other side of the room for sure and say my muscles are too sore from working out yesterday (hey, weights for over an hour! I AM sore!) to get up. Then I'll escape right away to my wonderful date. This will be the 2nd time he's saved my life in the last 3 days, but he won't know it this time. :)

Okay well, off to put my face on then.

Lovesssssss to all!!
Bones are beautiful <3

Carpet Puddle

Hello!

I think I sound cheery on here alot. I think I just want to cheer up all the sad people whose blogs are so inspiring/so depressing that it makes me cry, both ways.

Aaaaanywho. Today was awesome, as okay days go at least. Church this morning had a lot of singing, which made me happy coz I love singing and it's such a great release. LMBO I was thinking of Dylan though...Pastor T was like, "This week, we've all done things we shouldn't have done. Let's confess our sins now..." or something like that, but when he said it, I thought of Dylan (who I didn't "do" actually, in case you were wondering lol) and smiled like crazy and couldn't stop, but I was getting these really weird looks from nearby churchgoers like, wth?! "We've all done bad things [BIG SMILE]" ??! Haha, worth it though. :)

Then after church, I had to run to the Union for the spring break trip orientation for WEST VIRGINIA!! I will be so awesome on that trip. I will love every second. Because it's a bunch of manual labor, which ==calories burned. :) Also, I just love volunteering. It fills me up. (Slight reference to Sofia's last post. :)

(I like when I can make a smiley that also serves as a funtional... um, punctuation mark, I think. :)

Also, because I've been gogogoing, not really any time to eat. There was snacks at the orientation, but I just had some carrots and celery sticks and the smallest little cute cauliflower piece there was. I was planning to work out again as soon as I got home, but I have många loads of laundry to do and 2 of our 3 machines here went kaput. You can tell by the biggy puddle that is our 2nd floor, haha. Soon's my next load is done, I might go and say eff the other 2...naw I should prolly do 1 more. Then I'll go if it's not too late. I don't want to lose the momentum I feel for the dungeon gym coz I'm no novice at losing steam. :( I'd rather hide in bed all day. Also in the bathroom, because the shower's in there.

So, it's getting about that time of night when my resistance is lowest...must find something constructive to do...like thinspo, maybe. :)

Um, hope you enjoyed the random placement...it probably subconsciously has something to do with my scatterbrained thoughts about that handsome handsome boy texting me right now. :)

The skinny girl gets the guy. And nice girls too. :)

Beauty and bones <3