Fie, Fi, Fo, Fum...Ho-Hum

I'll get it out of the way: I weighed in a bit higher this morning. Not too much though, which is interesting to say the least, considering my rice cake slip-up last night. Today's weight was:

124.6

which is a gain of 0.2 pounds. After I got back from my run I tried again and was 124.5. Not surprising, because although I probably lost a lot in sweat, I drank a lot afterwards as well.

Went for another run after my exam. Was supposed to work out with my Tuesday workout buddy, but surprise surprise, she didn't come AGAIN. So I just ran an extra 1/2 mile after I found out she wasn't coming.

Dinner with my boy Dylan tonight, but I'm not too worried. This is my intake for my liquidy fast day:

Activia: 70
Activia: 70
apple: 80 (I had to have something before my exam for brainpower, which explains the other yogurt too)
applesauce: 50

total: 270

and I know I burned at LEAST that running today, so my cal balance today will pretty much be what I eat at dinn. We're going to Quaker Steak 'n Lube (that boy is SUCH a meat-eater...!) and I know that their veggie burger is pretty good. Can't find the facts on it, but at BDubs, the Boca is 250 total. The one at Quaker is made with like, sunflower seeds or something, so I'm guessing a bit higher, like 300 maybe? Probably won't be able to eat it all (it's huge), but even if I do, I'm ok with that.

Also, I smoked 1/2 a cig after my run this morning and a full one this afternoon. (lol I'm still so new at it, you'll probably get lots of updates on that front haha). Abso lost my hunger, just like that. And I'm getting better at it, only coughed like 1x, maybe 2 on that last one. Bueno, yeah? I guess it depends on which way you look at it! But really, I'm only using them so I don't stuff my face.

Oh, new love: Arizona tea, the no-carb green tea with ginsing. My previous fave was the green tea with honey and ginsing, which was 70 cals/serving (210 for the can!). But I happened upon this one today, and it's zeeeeerooooo cals! I've had two today. :)

So, question for you all: what do you guys do for bloating? Or to prevent it? Coz I always end up getting horribly bloated after eating out with Dylan, and what could be less sexy than that? (Not that there will be any sexiness going on tonight, not down to ban-lift weight yet.) I mean, yeah, there's Gas-X, but (haha call me immature) it's kind of embarrassing to take...hmm I don't know, I'll take one beforehand just in case and be sure to drink lots and lots while I eat, which is of course a good idea anyway.

Alright, better go spruce up for the boy...Not in the mood for applying make-up buuuuuut, probably should. :)

So, everybody have fun tonight (or, tomorrow, or something, for you crazy people in other time zones!) and love yourselves and drink lots of water and put on a diff smell than usual and sing loudly and just be effing amazing ok? Coz tomorrow, tomorrow's the day! :)

Bones are beautiful <3

Since I'm so obsessed with smoking right now...enjoy :)

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire

...need to start raining down on my head. Now.

You girls are all so wonderful! You leave the nicest comments and make me believe that one day I'll be beautiful.

So it breaks my heart to let you all down.

First with the whole "breaking the raw foods fast to have something for studying". Now, it's turned into "I just ate a whole shit-ton of rice cakes because of the study munchies". No joke, I'm pretty sure it may have actually come close the the scientific shit-ton unit of measurement.

And because I'm studying, I didn't work out today.

And because of that, I'm running twice tomorrow.

Took the laxies about an hour ago, so they may kill me on the run, but that's a pain this fat pig will need to deal with. Getting my studying finished tonight so I can get up early and run before class, then will run/workout after class. Laundry can wait, packing can wait.

Food is the enemy.
It destroys relationships, studying, beauty, thin, love, emotions, control.
It won today.
But not tomorrow. Oh hell no.
Tomorrow is liquid fast and workout and "I don't care how much you like meat, Dylan, when we go out tonight I'm only having fruits and veggies!"

Because I need to be 114 by April's end.
Because I need to fight my genetics.
Because no one REALLY thinks fat people are pretty.
Because I need to look like this:

Sorry again, girls.

Stay stronger than I.

Bones are beautiful. <3

I Had the Munchies, So My Eyes Ate Some Thinspo

~~Writing this post as I eat my apple and work up the courage to go to the gym. ~~

Now, you may be all, "Like, whoa! An apple for a liquid fast?! Needs courage for the gym?! DOUBLE WAVEY THINGS?!?!"

Have no fear, darling, it shall all be addressed in this post. Except the wavey things, we must accept them as they are. :)

We'll start with some soul-crushing news, and get it out of the way: Remember how I ran 3 miles on Monday and 2.5 yesterday? (Did I post that yet? Well, ran 2.5 yesterday.) Turns out, the track at my gym isn't 1/8 mile, but 1/10 mile. (Who designs a 1/10 mile track?!) So, my totals actually are 2.4 miles and 2 miles. Still ahead of my 1.5-mile-a-day goal, buuuut....still. So that's what waiting for me at the gym.

Assuming I ever get there, because my muscles are some kinda sore today!! It was rough even walking around campus today. Must not've stretched well enough yesterday, or something...so my dilemma is, go today anyway and risk not making the goal plus potentially causing more pain that would for sure put me off the track for awhile, or be lazy-ish today (it WOULD give me more [desperately needed] study time for my psych exam tomorrow...) and not make any progress at all? I keep going back and forth; what do you girls think?

So, yesterday's liquid fast went swimmingly until 1am this morning, when I had an apple. I was sooo hungry, I don't know why I just didn't go to bed. Oh, quick sidenote: was so hungry because Dylan and I shared a joint last night. First joint! (So many 1st's recently, so many of them involving weed...) Anyway, he (thankfully) left and I was alone and basking in thinspo and I was hungry. And it was after midnight so technically it was today already, so I figured it was ok. The liquid fast made it for about 30 hours anyway.

And today I'm raw foodin' it with Ellie over at The Empty Plate Brigade. She had a great idea: instead of setting a time that you fast for, she set a weight! So, my plan is to go every other day on liquid fasts and raw food fasts until I get back down to 121.9 and my self-imposed Dylan and alcohol ban lifts.

Even more super-important than weigh-in and cal counts, I want to say hi to my new followers!! Gosh there's so many of you...If you have a blog and I'm not following it, just leave a comment or email me or something!

Okay, NOW weigh-in and cal counts. Was afraid to step on the scale after yesterday's gain, but when I did I turned out to be:

124.2

which is a loss of 2.5 pounds!

Only 2.3 more till the fast ends. :)

Today on my raw foods fast I've had:

Apple: 80
Activia: 70 (ok ok not a raw food, but def beneficial and also they're expiring soon. And it had fruit.)
Banana: 105
Apple: 80 (Last Fuji, now I can have my Pink Ladies!!! <3 )

Total: 335

I'm not gonna be (too) upset if my count today gets up there, coz it's (nearly) all raw fruit. May have a bit of red bell pepper for dinn. Possibly after workout, or possibly while studying, depending...I don't know, not that much time to workout anyway, choir practice at 7.30 and Vespers right after...maybe I can squeeze it in after Vespers before the gym closes? Grrr I don't know! I really need to study too!

Long enough post already! Goodness me I have no clue how they get this long, it's like the paragraphs procreate while I'm looking away...

Stay skinny, girls, bones are beautiful <3

Terror in the Night

I had a nightmare last night, hence the reason for the title. That actually has nothing to do with anything but I thought it would be exciting to have a post named that.
...
Mmm, kind of. :)

Bad news - I am UP 0.4 lbs today to

126.7.

Still haven't decided if it's due to the fact that I'm building muscle but haven't yet lost the fat (coz of my high intakes recently), or ...just coz of my high intakes recently. Either way, blehhhh. :(

Made an emergency decision this morning to liquid fast today, loose-ish rules coz I'm coming off such high intakes. May decide to continue it thru tomorrow, we'll see! Intake so far today:

Activia yogurt: 70
Greek yogurt: 120 (it's been in my freezer forever, if I buy more they'll be the lower-cal ones)
tomato soup: 87

Plan is to workout as soon as my Tuesday workout buddy gets back to me...if she doesn't in 16 mins, I'm just leaving. She doesn't want to run much anyways, which brings me to my new long-termish-type goal:

From Monday-Monday, I need to be averaging a 1.5-mile run everyday. Yesterday I ran 3, so I'm still ahead of the game as long as I run at all today, but who knows if there'll be a day I won't be able to? (There will be 1-2 like that this weekend; I have an out-of-town church conference thing, so not on Saturday and not on Friday unless I get up mega-early...ugh...So, this week's mile count might be a bit low).

Dylan and I are hanging out tonight, which makes me a bit nervous for the whole "no-nakedness" motivation I've got going on. To make it worse, right now, I'm potentially very close to the highest I've been since we started dating. Does not make for a comfortable mix.

Okay well, I texted my workout buddy nearly 20 mins ago, she's got less than 10 before I leave. Oh, just you know I'm not being a complete bee-atch about waiting: Dylan and I are hanging at 9, and the gym is at least a 30-min round-trip walk, and I would really reeeeally like to shower before seeing him, so that kind of puts me on a tighter schedule than her. Also, I was supposed to get some studying done after the workout, but the workout wasn't even supposed to be this late in the first place, so we'll see if that gets done...

Oh well, that'll give me an excuse to not spend the night with the boy, I guess. Silver linings, girls, silver linings. :)

Hey, that would've made a great title.

K well, looks like I'm leaving for the gym on my own! That's ok tho, I think I might actually feel a bit more comfortable that way and I can go at my own pace. More silver linings!!

Haha ok really leaving now, love you all!
Bones are beautiful <3

~EDIT~
So my friend never came to the gym :( But that's ok, I ran more than she would have if she were there! I just don't like doing my arms in the weight room by myself, probably coz it's my least fave. Running and lower half are good alone tho. :)

Some of you might condemn me for this, but I decided to get some cigs just in case I have the munchies. When I went to Dylan's that one weekend, I took a few puffs from his friend's cig and it immediately quished my drunk munchies. So, since I usually wanna binge after working out (actually, after the walking home; there exists an entire subculture of food between the gym and my apartment) I smoked 1/2 a one when I got home. I still had another tomato soup (+87 for a total of 364), but I'm not hungry at all and I'm not tempted to binge at all either! Don't worry though, I'll mostly only be using them for food emergencies kay?

Alrite, I stink like gym and smokes, so a shower's a must before I meet up with Dylan! Eek! :)

4.4

That's how much I gained from last week's slip-up.

I weigh 126.3.

I must be back down 4.4 pounds to 121.9 before the "abstinance rule" (see post from April 3, "Flash Judgement") no longer applies. (Actually I wrote that post before going to bed the night before, so technically it's not from yesterday, exactly. Just so you know.) (I don't know why that bugged me.)

Thanks to *Harley at *fluttering hearts, I'm now involved in another, more competitive goal. If y'all are feeling up to the challenge, I super-suggest you try this! Skinny_el at PrettyProSlim has put on an April challenge and everyone's invited. I'm doing it. :)

Something I though was ultra-interesting on her site was the colors for bracelets. I'm going to post those (c&p from her site), along with the medical definitions of the ED's (straight from the nutritional textbook), just because I like to be thorough.

Red: Anorexia
Purple: Bulimia
Pink: EDnos (Eating Disorder not otherwise specified)
Blue: Depression
Orange/Black: SI (self injurer)
Green: Fasting at that time
Yellow: Suicidal
Turquoise: Overweight/Obese
Teal: Anxiety disorder/OCD/Panic disorder

if you add 1 white bead to a bracelet is means you are TRYING to recover from that illness.
if you have half white and half the illness color in the bracelet it means you’re IN recovery.

ANOREXIA NERVOSA: Weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected; loss of 25% of previous body weight; amenorrhea in post-menarchal females (loss of periods before menopause). [Ed.: It should be noted that 1, all these criteria must be met for an official diagnosis, and 2, there are 2 types of Ana, both restricting type and purging type. <--Different than Mia!]

Quick side definition of BINGING, medically speaking: 1, eating an abnormally large amount (larger than any normal person would eat) in 2, a discrete period of time (usually defined as about 2 hours); and 3, having a sense of lack of control during the episode. [Ed.: All criteria must be met.]

BULIMIA NERVOSA: Recurrent episodes of binge eating followed by inappropriate compensatory behaviors [meaning purging, laxies, fasting, mega exercise], which occur on average, at least 2x per week for 3 months. [Can be either purging or non-purging type!]

Oooookay, now I just feel like I'm giving you-all a boring lecture, but I'm still throwing in EDnos in there for good measure, because that is what many of us here (including myself) actually are:

EATING DISORDER NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED: [Can you imagine actually being diagnosed with a disorder named that?] Includes disorders of eating that do not meet the criteria for any specific eating disorder.
1. For females, all of the criteria for Ana are met except that the individual has regular menses [periods].
2. All the criteria are met for Ana except that, despite significant weight loss, the individual's current weight is in the normal range [i.e., if they started off overweight, or just haven't quite reached underweight just yet].
3. All of the criteria for Mia are met except that the binge eating and inappropriate compensatory mechanisms occur at a frequency of less than 2x per week or for duration of less than 3 months.
4. The regular use of inappropriate compensatory measures by an individual of normal body weight after eating small amounts of food.
5. Repeatedly chewing and spitting out, but not swallowing, large amounts of food.

Actually, according to these guidelines, I'm more Mia than EDnos...hm...oh well, people swing back and forth on the spectrum all the time. And of course, when I reach my UGW, I would be diagnosed as Ana (I lost my period around 114 or so last time) even though I was hardly thin when I was near it at my LW. So figure that one out, medical society.

Okay sorry for that randomness, I get so wrapped up in this stuff! My point was, I want to make a bracelet. And actually, now I don't know what color to make it! I've been Mia and EDnos, and I was almost Ana at one point (just a few more pounds and I would've hit it!). I SI, but that comes and goes in bouts, usually along with my depression, which I've suffered from for yearsssss. The fasting would be easy, just slip a green bead on...Buuut I don't want some rainbow bracelet that's too caught up in meaning to actually mean anything! Suggestions?

Alrite, enough of that random stuff spilling out of my brain!! 1st, mega hello to my 2 newest followers (I can actually tell who you are!), anna_rose_grace and Thin_Envy! Just a heads-up for anyone I'm not already following: it's probably because your blog is private. I'd love to follow y'all but if it's private go ahead and invite me!

Next order of bidnezz: intaaaaaaake. Also known as FML. Coz I'm really going for the bad stuff today. Still not hitting that cap of 800 yet, but already higher than yesterday. Too embarrassed to post exactly what I ate, but it's added up to

693

already. (There's a shit-ton of rice cakes in that total...) Also, going to workout hard-core after this post. That means yayyayyay for burnin' it up, but also means I'll prolly have a little something when I get back home. I was thinking maybe a bananer.

Good God, you're probably all completely abso sick of all these words draining onto the theoretical page. I'll stop now while I'm ahead. Ish, ahead-ish. It's 7pm, gotta get going to the gym, (whoa, lots of g's in that), but maybe I'll just do some sort of unprecedented (for me) post of just thinspo later? To make up for lack of in this post and to help fight the after-gym hungries.

Okay okay I'm really done! Love you all!
Bones are beautiful <3

< 12 Hours of Sunday

Hi again. So I guess I'm addicted or something, I cannot stay away from Blogger. Constanly reading your updates, reading comments, and now also posting. It amuses me that even my "short posts" tend to be longer than the average post. Well, maybe not "amuses"; bemuses? Whatevs.

I guess I just wanted to update on today. Although I didn't come near my cap of 800, I still feel like it was a fail of a day because I was only awake, as the title implies, less than 12 hours. In the less than 12 hours (lol sorry, I don't remember exactly what time I forced myself out of bed), I consumed:

Activia yogurt: 70
1/2 serving oatmeal: 75
noodle dish: 370
apple: 80
~total: 595

I talked to my good friend about my no Dylan/alcohol rule today. I told her that I've been feeling down and gained weight from it, and that I need this abstinance to motivate myself back into the social world. So, #1, she's being extremely supportive of my efforts, and #2, she has no idea how real depression actually works. Not that I'm that depressed right now, just the binge guilt and a bunch of shit going down at home that I shouldn't even be involved in.

Which segues me into something else that I've wanted to tell you guys: along with low morale from the whole "fam being pants-shittingly screamy" thing, there was another trigger for this messy episode last week. For my NutriSci class, we have to do this stupid "Nutritional Analysis" thing, worth 5% of our grade. All we have to do is record what we eat for 3 days and evaluate our nutrient intake. Super easy, but I had a feeling that my normal intake just wouldn't pass; so I had to make up 3 days of eating.

It was hard to reach what he said was the abso minimum I should be eating everyday. So I think my cal counts are still low for a "normal" person, but they're just so super high. That got me thinking about ...just everything. Some of the things my brain came up with were just so soul-crushingly sad...and since I was thinking about food...I guess I just kind of snapped. Which accounts for a bit of my mindfucked state last week.

But now I'm back on track. 595 in less than 12 hours is still a bit higher than I'd want, but it'll serve well to get back down to my under-500 goal from before. The hard part of the NutriSci assignment is complete. Won't ever escape from my fam, but I've got purpose now, I can handle them and anything else.

Now, for a bit more studying, sleeping, and no more posting today!!

Flash Judgement

Not posting the number of cals I consumed today; I'm not sure a liberal arts major can count that high...

Not posting my weight today; I don't know what it is...

Terribly sorry, but not commenting on any of your posts today; I AM reading them, but I just don't feel qualified to respond in any way...

I've been naughty, I've gained weight. It's easy to say "This is going to stop NOW." when you're feeling full and ugly and the laxies are scraping your innards. It won't be as easy tomorrow, when my stretched-out stomach gurgles for comfort.

I'm not sure what's been lacking in my life this last week to make my head crazier than normal. I don't *think* it was motivation, but I'm adding extra, just in case.

Until I lose my binge weight, Dylan cannot see me naked.

(Not sure this can be counted as "binge weight", as it's been building since Tuesday, but yeah...)

This actually might be hard to pull off, especially if I've been drinking, so here's another:

No alcohol till I've lost this weight, either.

The ultimate best-case scenario would be to have dropped it by the time I go home next Friday. I know that's probably a far cry but it'll serve me well. For my memory's sake, before all this started, I was down to

121.9

and right now I'm at

[something].

Oh, just thought of a new stipulation - he can't FEEL me naked either. I was a tad uncomfortable being naked in front of him at a lower weight, no way I could handle it at whatever I'm at now anyways. But this will be great motivation, as not only will I want it, but he will too, so every time I have to turn it down, I'll be disappointing him as well. I'm quite fond of him and don't want to disappoint. So I'll try even extra harder.

Alright, stabby headache and a need to curl away from the world are forcing me to bed, so goodnight and skinny dreams to each and every single one of you lovely, lovely ladies.

Stay strong girls
Bones are beautiful <3

p.s. Between thinspo raids, I've been studying for my Swedish exam on Monday. Experiment I dare you all to try: Google image search "danish". Then search "norweigan". Then do "swedish". Lmfao. Anyways, some lovely Swedes to thinspire us all:

or, if things go the way they are, I could be like these girls:

(notice how the one guy looks like his life is actually being crushed out of him...) how 'bout not.

Told You I'd Be Back

4 new followers! Hello! Of course, I only see 3. What IS that?? Wish I could say hi to y'all by name, but I don't want to leave anyone out.

Well, I promised to post again soon, and after the last one...yeah. Still here, still alive, and still fat, unfortuneately.

The ipecac did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not sure why, but it was darn expensive to not work...The laxies did their job though, quite efficiently. Barely any pain, and out in just 1.5 movements (sorry if TMI!). Didn't weigh in this morning.

So, I've decided to eat. Like a normal person. Almost. Like 800 or so a day. Which isn't normal by any means or measure, I know, but...hm, you probably know what I mean. I'll still be counting and weighing and all, I don't think I could ever stop that. But after this week I'll need to ease back down into the swing of things again. Also, thinking this morning, I realized that it was super-sad that I was more concerned with getting the food out of me than, say, OD-ing and dying in my sleep. So I've decided to actually get my head on, for real. I'm still going to keep it under 1000/day though, for sure.

Last night was Dylan's beach-themed thing. Was super-self-conscious about my tummy at first, but I was thinner than probably ...80% of the girls there (of which there were many more than expected), so I think I did ok. Also, finished my first beer ever last night; before that, best I could do was 1/2 a can. Boxer, apparently the cheapest beer money can buy...if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything!

Also smoked hookah for the first time (tobacco/weed blend), and a blunt the first time too. Craziness! But I got really happy and giggly and felt really okay about myself for the first time in a long time. I don't know, I feel like life is whipping by, and I'm just getting fatter off of it. I need to bring in the reigns a bit, get back in control. But I wouldn't turn down another night like last night.

Yesterday my dad and little brother stayed in a hotel near where I go to university, so I hung out with them for awhile too, swimming and sauna-ing and being normal (including eating...) and just generally having a good time. I don't know, I wish I could feel happy-go-lucky and carefree all the time like yesterday, without worrying about cals or weight gain or scales or fat or my stomach/legs/arms/whichever body part is worst at the moment...once I'm skinny again. Carefree...happy...beautiful...

Bones are beautiful <3

Oh Shit.

Yeah, I just looked it up, you can def OD on ipecac. Maybe should have thought of that before I took like 5 doses or whatever. I'm such a bad role model for you all. Not to mention stupid. But in case any of you would still like to take ipecac to induce vomiting, here's the OD side effects I'll have to watch out for now:

irregular heartbeat
"excessive" vomiting
drowsiness (good thing it's almost 2am...)
diarrhea (good thing I took those laxies...)
stomach cramping (yup, those laxies were a great idea...)
allergic reactions

Wow, do I feel dumb. Oops.
I blame the hormone surge that's been numbing my brain out for the last several days following all this food. See, eating's bad for you. ...Obviously, so is ipecac.

Crap.
I'll let you know how tonight goes down. 

So, moral of the story, be more careful than I. Bye!
Bones are beautiful <3

What a Day for 50

I just realized this is my 50th post. I'm sorry but it is going to be small and crap. But, I promised as soon as my head was back on, I'd post...it's just not on STRAIGHT yet, is all...

I feel I've been eating nonstop since Tuesday. I know that ...Wednesday, it must've been?...I still stayed under 1000, and the other day...wait, I'm not sure of which days were which, I haven't really been out since this started (couldn't face the world...)

The laxies I took on Tuesday night were kind of ineffective, nothing happened much besides me feeling terrible during class, which was more than 15 hours later, 6-12 hours my butt...weighed in at one point since my last post, I was 123.8. Not sure what I'm at now, so afraid of my scale, hiding under my desk...

Today I'm pretty sure I've eaten as much/possibly more than a normal person would consume, which is terrible because I'm to wear a bikini tomorrow night. Or...tonight, as my computer clock tells me I've switched into Friday already. It wasn't as bad as it could've been at first though, it was just in front of my dad and little brother, but I've just found out that the frat function of Dylan's that I'm also attending later tonight is beach-themed. There's only one or two other girls going, I guess, but they're supposedly all wearing their bikini tops. Yay.

Took 4 laxies...I don't know, something hours ago, not 6 yet though I think, so no effect. Also tried my ipecac, nothing yet... the directions say, "Dissolve 4 tablets under tounge every 4 hours for a day". So, I tried 5, nothing...then another 3 (to make 2 doses even), then another 4...and 4 more...and I'm not sure how many, I just kept taking 4's...I'm over 20-something now I think, mmm maybe 30-something, but I don't feel anything besides my mouth tasting incredibly metallic.

Does anybody know why they're not working? Do they take as long as laxies? If that's the case, I think I might be fucked...also, can I OD on these? I didn't think so...

Ah well, at least the fattie shenanigans that've been going on since Tuesday haven't affected any body part besides my tum so far...I look like a barrel though, belly so distended it's disgusting.

Thank you thank you thank you to all the lovelies pouring support my way since this badness began, I just can't ever thank you enough to make up for what that meant to me...!

Special shout-out to Skylar for nominating me for the versatile blogger award! I've already been nominated once, but I'll think of 7 somethings to put in my next post just for you! And hello to my 2 new followers, again, I can only figure 1 of you from my list...but anyways, feel free to comment and tell me about your blog, and ultra-sorry you had to come in at a time like this! Things will be looking up soon, I promise!

No thinspo, so here's a song I've favorited on my ED youtube account and have been listening to nonstop the past few days:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoMh-MGePj0

Um...embedding disabled by request? Not that I actually know what I'm doing anyway...the people that put this up are really great though, they have lots of good stuff, I would suggest subscribing to them. Superchic(k) is awesome too.

Kk well love you all, see you when I'm okay again, I'll keep reading yours no matter what though!
Bones are beautiful <3

~EDIT~
That really wasn't too short at all, was it.
Have a good night, all <3

I'm So Numb, I Think I'm Dying

i'm horrible. i hate myself. i'm sure at least one of you lovely beautiful wonderful girls will say something about how i can burn it tomorrow or everybody has a bad day and that you totally understand. i know you've been where i am now but my guilt from this won't fade quickly i'm hella certain. i realize too that my comments to you may not have been enough, that words arent enough when you're dying dying dying and your insides that are used to under-500's are cramping, they aren't sure what to do, they're twisting and grinding and painful...

i just binged. my boyfriend asked me what i was doing, i was messaging him on fb, i said eating some soup. it was true at the time, it was wat i started with. oh fucking god just kill me.

here's my day, if i can bear it:

friend came, thankfully atm was broken so i had no money to buy lunch, made it thru that, took her to the dairy store, first food after the liquid fast was about idk, 400 cals of ice cream, going high, thought it would help motivate me tonight. fuck that.

was craving chinese as usual so had 85 cals of squash before working out. workout was shit, could barely move the weights, so weak. smelled chinese on the way home and decided fuck it, i need strength, having Simply Asian soup when i get home. took forever deciding coz they're all too high cal. took the lowest cal one, 210 for the bowl. ate it.

tasted nothing. i can't taste my fave foods anymore. fuckfuckfuck.

it was down so fast i couldn't belive it was gone. then i was off and running, had another soup bowl at 220 this time then crackers with butter and at least 4 pcs of bread 70 cals each probably more than 4 tho i lost count also with butter

had to thaw the bread, it was in my freezer, put it in the micro on high couldn't thaw it fast enough for my mouth. put it away and was chugging water in hopes of stopping but it was too late too late

i was already feeling sick but i had a couple gobs of peanut butter and put it on 1/2 banana and another gob i feel so sick but i still can't purge god i wish i had those days back i want this junk out of meeeee

im sorry im so manic my stomach is just in so much pain right now coz it doesnt remember how to digest these things all this food at once so many fucking cals in the last 1/2 hour, idk how ppl eat this everyday, im going to die. i need to wear a bikini this weekend. i hate myself. just weighed myself, 127. i just gained 6 pounds so fast. i want to die

omg i need to calm down, as soon as i stop crying and can move without pain im hiking it to the store and reinvesting in my best friends, laxies. they will get this out and stop this, they will make me feel better, even though i'll still absorb all those cals. im with dylan tomorrow night, i'll die, he can't see me fat like this. fucking fat cow.

jesus christ im so messed up. my insides are messed up. my head's messed up. my weird eating is messing it up with dylan. he doesn't know, he can't understand, i can't tell him, i can't lose him, fml.

i'm leaving, i'm leaving now for laxies, next time i post i'll have my head on, i promise

i promise i'll do better, dear god i'm so sorry i let you all down, i love you all and wish i could be as beautiful as you... <3

Skeleton, Why Do you Insist on Eating Chinese?

My fast yesterday went super well until about 11pm. (I KNEW I should have gone to bed early...) All I had up to then was the 255 cals I mentioned in my last post. But...then I was craving Chinese food soooooo badly that I had pulled out one of those pre-packaged microwave things before I know what I was doing! DON'T WORRY though, I beat that reflex...by eating a yogurt. Total for yesterday was:

325

on a fasting day...hm. Not surprisingly, today's weight was not that much less:

121.9

but at least I'm back in the 121's, right?

I should probably explain why I would even have those microwave Chinese things. I love them so much. I love Chinese food, it's a worse weakness than ice cream or pizza (which are my most common binge foods) and unlike pizza and ice cream cravings, my Chinese food cravings DON'T GO AWAY.

So anyway, when my mom heard I was going vegetarian for Lent, (being the mungo meat eater she is) she freaked out a bit and bought me tons and tons of these microwave things, because they're vegetarian approved. It's my greatest victory every day to not eat one. I haven't had one in over a month. But I still want one. Maybe if I have low cals after my friend comes and a good workout, I'll have 1/2 of one tonight. Maybe. I'll try not to, because there's a 50% chance of me not stopping at half. 50% is quite high. :(

Hello to my 3 new followers! I can figure out who 2 of you are, but I just don't see a 3rd new person, so I'll just remain vague in my hellos for now... :-P

Okay, I'm going to try to put a video in here because it's my new fave thinspo song lol. Sorry if it doesn't work, I'll just post the link then. Hm, ok, that looks funny, so...lol here's the link:

Skeleton Song by Kate Nash

Okay, gotta kick it in gear to be ready in time to meet my friend! Thanks for all the well-wishes for my lunch today!!

Love you all!
Bones are beautiful <3

What Does He Know, Anyway?!

My Nutritional Science prof wrote his own textbook. It's really awful, full of mistakes. Anyway, in it, he bashes Twiggy several times. I had no idea who Twiggy was, apparently the 1st supermodel ever, who sparked a dramatic increase in ED rates. I decided to look her up. I actually remembered to just now, and myohmy she's pretty. I went through and saved all my fave pix of her, to be sprinkled ramdomly through this post. It's gonna be another looooong entry, loves.

This is what the text had to say about her, at least in one of the mentionings: "The second such blip [in the rise of ED's] was in the time of "Twiggy", the first of the supermodels, ultra-thin but apparently very popular, in the 1960's. Though, realy, horrifically thin, Twiggy sparked a movement toward emaciation that we are still suffering from today." Well, I don't think she's horrific. She's quite nice, actually.

Anyways, down to business.

Had somewhere between 15-20 shots last night. I think. May have been more. Irish cream whiskey is so good though...so are Smirnoff Ices...well, cheap vodka's not that bad once you're drunk enough, either...

But that gives me 3 nights in a row of drinking, so when I snuck the scale into the bathroom this morning while Dylan slept, it told me

122.2

which is another slight gain. Damn it all. But at least I don't binge drink during the week, haha. Not usually.

The problem last night came after my bestie left. (By the way, was totally thinner than her again, and looked better in my skirt [methinks]. The status quo is back and better than ever.) This is the same bestie that was in the threesome, along with her fiancee, where I lost my v-card. Dylan was under the impression that I was still a virgin, which was happy for him because he is too and he wants to wait till marriage. Which is awesome, I do too. Except it's too late for me now...anyways, because I was feeling extremely guilty about all this (and because I was drunk off my effing ass) I ended up blurting out the truth to Dylan. I don't remember exactly how, and I don't remember how it ended up or how he reacted, I just know I was crying really hard and felt horrible, like I wanted to stab my soul or something. So...I'm not sure how things will be going with that now. This morning he said it was ok, but...oh, I just don't know and now I'm panicking a bit inside. Argh.

This morning I was going to have a banana on the way to class, but then I found my phone (I was using it last night, and I'm not sure how it got where it was) and lo and behold! I have a text from the lovely Miss Olivia Lee inviting me to join the group liquid fast! Zette is in on it, as well. It was just what I needed today. I haven't checked out Zette's yet, but I know that Olivia Lee has some pretty good rules, if you're looking for some for your own liquid fast. Here's mine:

1. No solids. Period.
2. A single serving of applesauce is allowed if absolutely, ABSOLUTELY needed.
3. Tea, water, flavored water, juice (which I don't really drink), and 1 hot cocoa are the staples.
4. No official cal limit, just because it's hard to know ahead of time with liquid cals. But the usual under-500 goal stays in place.

That's all I got for that. My intake today so far is

lots of water
a vitamin water - 125
the hot cocoa - 130

total: 255

Hm. That seems kind of high for a liquid fasting day. Normally I drink the Vitamin Water Zeros, but my mom bought me a bunch of regular ones so I'm trying to use them up.

I'm really beginning to hate her buying me foodstuffs. For example, she asked if I wanted Vitamin Waters, and I said yes, but only the Zeros, because the regulars are "too sweet". Apparently she decided to screw that idea. It's not the first time, either. She always sends me back to school with hot chocolate mix. I tell her every time, "Get the sugar-free stuff, the regular stuff is too sweet!" So every time, she buys me "extra-special-super-gourmet-we've-added-five-pounds-of-sugar-to-this" hot choco mix. Grrr. Also, I don't really care for yogurt too much, but I do eat the Activia Light. I tell her to get the Light because the regular "kind of leaves a film in your mouth" (it doesn't, but it DOES have like 100 more cals), so...I have a 4-pack of regular Activia in my fridge that I might as well throw out now coz I won't eat it before it goes bad. Yargh I hate wasting food but if she would only just buy me what I WANT!

I have to watch out for that woman. I'm not actually very fond of her, but she has the power to make my life a living hell, so I can't piss her off, or have her become suspicious of my eating habits. When I got to my low weight, I wasn't even that skinny or anything, but she "voiced her concerns" to me about how I've lost so much weight and it's so noticeable and I need to be careful and blah blah blah. Like she knows. She's morbidly obese. She had the lap-band surgery and still can't lose weight becoz she won't follow the diet and she knows all the little ways to cheat around it and such. Horrible. Those are the kind of genetics I'm insuring myself against by losing weight now.

Ugh, that hot choco made me feel bloated.

Now I'm kind of just stalling, trying to fit more pix in by the text so there's not quite so many in the list at the bottom.

OH! I meant to tell you about tomorrow's and Wednesday's game plan. Tomorrow, one of my friends who just got accepted at my college is visiting. I'm going to show her all around campus and such, but she also wants to eat at a dorm dining hall to see what it's like. Dining hall food is actually tasty, which is fine for other people, but I have no clue what I'm going to need to eat tomorrow with her. (So much for continuing this fast for two days). Wish me luck on that.

On Wednesday, my aunt and uncle from Arizona are visiting. They're vegetarian, so we're going out to a vegetarian restaurant with my cousin who also goes to this college. I'm excited to catch up with everyone and eat a healthy meal, but hopefully I don't have to eat too much. I feel like I won't need to though.

Aaaand, last but not least, HUGE shout-out to Olivia Lee for her awesome Chinese-type recipe! It's in her comment on my last post, but here it is again:

I love this outfit!

1.Boil 1/2 cup chicken broth (maybe I can sub veggie broth?)
Add 1/4 cup brown rice

2.Sautee: 1 egg white (I might leave that out because of my egg probs),
1 Tbsp green onion,
2 Tbsp peas,
2 Tbsp chopped carrots

3. Mix both of above when done, and add 1 Tsp soy sauce

Total: 125

Not the most conventional way to jot down a recipe, but I like lists better than paragraph form and I'm too lazy to fix it up right lol. Anyway, I love Chinese and I crave it always, so this will def help with that! Thanks love!!

Okay, okay, this post is quite more than long enough, so here's the rest of my fave Twiggy pix for y'all:

Haha, she looks kind of hippy-dippy, I love it

She's so fun!!

This reminds me of the book Wintergirls.

I love her hair, I want it lol

Alright I'm finally done, congrats if you made it this far! Love you all, stay skinny, bones are beautiful <3

Oh God, wait one more, how could I forget, hello to new followers Skylar and M!!!

Okay now I'm really done. :)