Hey beauties,
Down to 117.4 this morning. I was probably down from that even until about 10 tonight when I started eating to stay awake and finish homework. Big bummer because I ate about 1000 Cheez-Its I think. I'm dying to step back on the scale but I promised myself only once a day, that takes enough time already. It's such a big production, I'm on and off at least 7 or 8 times to make sure it's reading accurately. And setting it back to tare in between every time, I could spend forever in there if I let myself, just on and off, on and off.
It's tough to not eat when I'm only getting about 3 hours average sleep every night. But I've been doing decently all things considered, especially on days when I work. Consciously and outwardly, I complain that work takes over my life, makes it difficult to succeed in school, etc. But deep down inside I love staying so busy for 10+ hours a day (I was there over 13 today!) that I don't even remember to think about eating or being hungry.
Leaving for California in just about 75 hours. I don't know how I'll fit in everything I need to before then, but honestly, it can't come fast enough! A little worried about spending so much time on vacation with Nick's family; growing up on our vacations (although I realize now our little trips wouldn't count as most peoples' "vacations") most of what I remember is that we always had to eat. It was always time to stop driving and grab a bite, or we had to pull over for a potty break at a McD's and everyone would have a meal. I get so sick of eating on vacation! All food all the time! Hopefully his family will be a little different.
I guess we're stopping in Vegas on Sunday into Monday. I've never been to a real casino. Well, kind of, but it was an 18+. Also I'm not sure the tribal casinos around here would really count? I don't really like betting money though; maybe Nick will let me bet his ;)
Have any of you actually been to Las Vegas? Is it at all like in the movies where all the hot, thin women strut around in sequined dresses and make less-attractive women feel dumpy and embarrassed? I'm worried about it, especially after seeing all the babes in California, and especially after my munch sess tonight. Well, at least there's more prerogative to not eat the next couple of days...!
Everybody, please have a wonderful night, and believe in yourself. <3
Monday, February 9
Tuesday, February 3
Scared
Hey, I think I'm getting back in the game. Lately I can't get these things off my mind, though I've got more than enough on my plate without devoting my life back to this blog and numbers and the scale. Been thinking of coming back here, maybe making a new blog, unstained by the person I was years ago. But I thought maybe I'd start here, where it's safer.
Current weight is 119.8. My body shape is different than it used to be, I have these things called "saddlebags" now (wth?? Just learned that terminology a couple weeks ago, I've been calling them "under-butts"). I was under 118 but I ate some leftover pizza tonight after surgery class today and this is where I'm at from that.
There's two other things that are making it a little tougher on me right now as well. I had to move back in with my mom after certain, uh, mental health issues prompted my psychiatrist to recommend it. Also, I've just started a new relationship in November, and he is definitely not a healthy person. Although he's a smoker, so he wouldn't care if I picked that back up on a regular basis. He's really a wonderfully supportive and understanding guy though, last week I basically had the human form of parvo and he stayed by my side the whole first 36 or so hours until he absolutely had to leave. He doesn't know about any of this though. About PollyAnna or my past.
He does, however, appreciate my hip bones and constantly uses them as "handles" when we're in bed together which makes me feel awesome :)
Downside? We're going to Cali with his family in less than two weeks. Yeah...you saw the above number. Talk about a trigger.
I've really avoided coming back here for the longest time. Anytime these thoughts would cross my mind, or I'd wonder just how many calories a person was carelessly consuming, or anything like that (you know those automatic thoughts we have), my mind would run screaming scared - I can't go back to that, I can't let myself back in that trap, don't think about it, don't let yourself go there!!
Yet here I am.
I've been served my humble pie. I know what I have to do, and really I've just been too lazy to do it. I miss the pictures I spent so many hours staring at, I missed the music that filled my room and my head (SO to anamiamusic), I missed talking to wonderful, beautiful ladies who understood and supported me and knew I understood and supported them right back. I missed the order of things, everything in its right place, the right numbers.
What do you think? New blog or not?
And...is it good to be back? Or not?
Current weight is 119.8. My body shape is different than it used to be, I have these things called "saddlebags" now (wth?? Just learned that terminology a couple weeks ago, I've been calling them "under-butts"). I was under 118 but I ate some leftover pizza tonight after surgery class today and this is where I'm at from that.
There's two other things that are making it a little tougher on me right now as well. I had to move back in with my mom after certain, uh, mental health issues prompted my psychiatrist to recommend it. Also, I've just started a new relationship in November, and he is definitely not a healthy person. Although he's a smoker, so he wouldn't care if I picked that back up on a regular basis. He's really a wonderfully supportive and understanding guy though, last week I basically had the human form of parvo and he stayed by my side the whole first 36 or so hours until he absolutely had to leave. He doesn't know about any of this though. About PollyAnna or my past.
He does, however, appreciate my hip bones and constantly uses them as "handles" when we're in bed together which makes me feel awesome :)
Downside? We're going to Cali with his family in less than two weeks. Yeah...you saw the above number. Talk about a trigger.
I've really avoided coming back here for the longest time. Anytime these thoughts would cross my mind, or I'd wonder just how many calories a person was carelessly consuming, or anything like that (you know those automatic thoughts we have), my mind would run screaming scared - I can't go back to that, I can't let myself back in that trap, don't think about it, don't let yourself go there!!
Yet here I am.
I've been served my humble pie. I know what I have to do, and really I've just been too lazy to do it. I miss the pictures I spent so many hours staring at, I missed the music that filled my room and my head (SO to anamiamusic), I missed talking to wonderful, beautiful ladies who understood and supported me and knew I understood and supported them right back. I missed the order of things, everything in its right place, the right numbers.
What do you think? New blog or not?
And...is it good to be back? Or not?
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