i'm horrible. i hate myself. i'm sure at least one of you lovely beautiful wonderful girls will say something about how i can burn it tomorrow or everybody has a bad day and that you totally understand. i know you've been where i am now but my guilt from this won't fade quickly i'm hella certain. i realize too that my comments to you may not have been enough, that words arent enough when you're dying dying dying and your insides that are used to under-500's are cramping, they aren't sure what to do, they're twisting and grinding and painful...
i just binged. my boyfriend asked me what i was doing, i was messaging him on fb, i said eating some soup. it was true at the time, it was wat i started with. oh fucking god just kill me.
here's my day, if i can bear it:
friend came, thankfully atm was broken so i had no money to buy lunch, made it thru that, took her to the dairy store, first food after the liquid fast was about idk, 400 cals of ice cream, going high, thought it would help motivate me tonight. fuck that.
was craving chinese as usual so had 85 cals of squash before working out. workout was shit, could barely move the weights, so weak. smelled chinese on the way home and decided fuck it, i need strength, having Simply Asian soup when i get home. took forever deciding coz they're all too high cal. took the lowest cal one, 210 for the bowl. ate it.
tasted nothing. i can't taste my fave foods anymore. fuckfuckfuck.
it was down so fast i couldn't belive it was gone. then i was off and running, had another soup bowl at 220 this time then crackers with butter and at least 4 pcs of bread 70 cals each probably more than 4 tho i lost count also with butter
had to thaw the bread, it was in my freezer, put it in the micro on high couldn't thaw it fast enough for my mouth. put it away and was chugging water in hopes of stopping but it was too late too late
i was already feeling sick but i had a couple gobs of peanut butter and put it on 1/2 banana and another gob i feel so sick but i still can't purge god i wish i had those days back i want this junk out of meeeee
im sorry im so manic my stomach is just in so much pain right now coz it doesnt remember how to digest these things all this food at once so many fucking cals in the last 1/2 hour, idk how ppl eat this everyday, im going to die. i need to wear a bikini this weekend. i hate myself. just weighed myself, 127. i just gained 6 pounds so fast. i want to die
omg i need to calm down, as soon as i stop crying and can move without pain im hiking it to the store and reinvesting in my best friends, laxies. they will get this out and stop this, they will make me feel better, even though i'll still absorb all those cals. im with dylan tomorrow night, i'll die, he can't see me fat like this. fucking fat cow.
jesus christ im so messed up. my insides are messed up. my head's messed up. my weird eating is messing it up with dylan. he doesn't know, he can't understand, i can't tell him, i can't lose him, fml.
i'm leaving, i'm leaving now for laxies, next time i post i'll have my head on, i promise
i promise i'll do better, dear god i'm so sorry i let you all down, i love you all and wish i could be as beautiful as you... <3
Tuesday, March 29
Skeleton, Why Do you Insist on Eating Chinese?
My fast yesterday went super well until about 11pm. (I KNEW I should have gone to bed early...) All I had up to then was the 255 cals I mentioned in my last post. But...then I was craving Chinese food soooooo badly that I had pulled out one of those pre-packaged microwave things before I know what I was doing! DON'T WORRY though, I beat that reflex...by eating a yogurt. Total for yesterday was:
325
on a fasting day...hm. Not surprisingly, today's weight was not that much less:
121.9
but at least I'm back in the 121's, right?
I should probably explain why I would even have those microwave Chinese things. I love them so much. I love Chinese food, it's a worse weakness than ice cream or pizza (which are my most common binge foods) and unlike pizza and ice cream cravings, my Chinese food cravings DON'T GO AWAY.
So anyway, when my mom heard I was going vegetarian for Lent, (being the mungo meat eater she is) she freaked out a bit and bought me tons and tons of these microwave things, because they're vegetarian approved. It's my greatest victory every day to not eat one. I haven't had one in over a month. But I still want one. Maybe if I have low cals after my friend comes and a good workout, I'll have 1/2 of one tonight. Maybe. I'll try not to, because there's a 50% chance of me not stopping at half. 50% is quite high. :(
Hello to my 3 new followers! I can figure out who 2 of you are, but I just don't see a 3rd new person, so I'll just remain vague in my hellos for now... :-P
Okay, I'm going to try to put a video in here because it's my new fave thinspo song lol. Sorry if it doesn't work, I'll just post the link then. Hm, ok, that looks funny, so...lol here's the link:
Skeleton Song by Kate Nash
Okay, gotta kick it in gear to be ready in time to meet my friend! Thanks for all the well-wishes for my lunch today!!
Love you all!
Bones are beautiful <3
325
on a fasting day...hm. Not surprisingly, today's weight was not that much less:
121.9
but at least I'm back in the 121's, right?
I should probably explain why I would even have those microwave Chinese things. I love them so much. I love Chinese food, it's a worse weakness than ice cream or pizza (which are my most common binge foods) and unlike pizza and ice cream cravings, my Chinese food cravings DON'T GO AWAY.
So anyway, when my mom heard I was going vegetarian for Lent, (being the mungo meat eater she is) she freaked out a bit and bought me tons and tons of these microwave things, because they're vegetarian approved. It's my greatest victory every day to not eat one. I haven't had one in over a month. But I still want one. Maybe if I have low cals after my friend comes and a good workout, I'll have 1/2 of one tonight. Maybe. I'll try not to, because there's a 50% chance of me not stopping at half. 50% is quite high. :(
Hello to my 3 new followers! I can figure out who 2 of you are, but I just don't see a 3rd new person, so I'll just remain vague in my hellos for now... :-P
Okay, I'm going to try to put a video in here because it's my new fave thinspo song lol. Sorry if it doesn't work, I'll just post the link then. Hm, ok, that looks funny, so...lol here's the link:
Skeleton Song by Kate Nash
Okay, gotta kick it in gear to be ready in time to meet my friend! Thanks for all the well-wishes for my lunch today!!
Love you all!
Bones are beautiful <3
Monday, March 28
What Does He Know, Anyway?!
This is what the text had to say about her, at least in one of the mentionings: "The second such blip [in the rise of ED's] was in the time of "Twiggy", the first of the supermodels, ultra-thin but apparently very popular, in the 1960's. Though, realy, horrifically thin, Twiggy sparked a movement toward emaciation that we are still suffering from today." Well, I don't think she's horrific. She's quite nice, actually.
Anyways, down to business.
Had somewhere between 15-20 shots last night. I think. May have been more. Irish cream whiskey is so good though...so are Smirnoff Ices...well, cheap vodka's not that bad once you're drunk enough, either...
But that gives me 3 nights in a row of drinking, so when I snuck the scale into the bathroom this morning while Dylan slept, it told me
122.2
which is another slight gain. Damn it all. But at least I don't binge drink during the week, haha. Not usually.
1. No solids. Period.
2. A single serving of applesauce is allowed if absolutely, ABSOLUTELY needed.
3. Tea, water, flavored water, juice (which I don't really drink), and 1 hot cocoa are the staples.
4. No official cal limit, just because it's hard to know ahead of time with liquid cals. But the usual under-500 goal stays in place.
lots of water
a vitamin water - 125
the hot cocoa - 130
total: 255
Hm. That seems kind of high for a liquid fasting day. Normally I drink the Vitamin Water Zeros, but my mom bought me a bunch of regular ones so I'm trying to use them up.
I'm really beginning to hate her buying me foodstuffs. For example, she asked if I wanted Vitamin Waters, and I said yes, but only the Zeros, because the regulars are "too sweet". Apparently she decided to screw that idea. It's not the first time, either. She always sends me back to school with hot chocolate mix. I tell her every time, "Get the sugar-free stuff, the regular stuff is too sweet!" So every time, she buys me "extra-special-super-gourmet-we've-added-five-pounds-of-sugar-to-this" hot choco mix. Grrr. Also, I don't really care for yogurt too much, but I do eat the Activia Light. I tell her to get the Light because the regular "kind of leaves a film in your mouth" (it doesn't, but it DOES have like 100 more cals), so...I have a 4-pack of regular Activia in my fridge that I might as well throw out now coz I won't eat it before it goes bad. Yargh I hate wasting food but if she would only just buy me what I WANT!
Ugh, that hot choco made me feel bloated.
Now I'm kind of just stalling, trying to fit more pix in by the text so there's not quite so many in the list at the bottom.
On Wednesday, my aunt and uncle from Arizona are visiting. They're vegetarian, so we're going out to a vegetarian restaurant with my cousin who also goes to this college. I'm excited to catch up with everyone and eat a healthy meal, but hopefully I don't have to eat too much. I feel like I won't need to though.
Aaaand, last but not least, HUGE shout-out to Olivia Lee for her awesome Chinese-type recipe! It's in her comment on my last post, but here it is again:
 |
| I love this outfit! |
Add 1/4 cup brown rice
2.Sautee: 1 egg white (I might leave that out because of my egg probs),
1 Tbsp green onion,
2 Tbsp peas,
2 Tbsp chopped carrots
3. Mix both of above when done, and add 1 Tsp soy sauce
Total: 125
Not the most conventional way to jot down a recipe, but I like lists better than paragraph form and I'm too lazy to fix it up right lol. Anyway, I love Chinese and I crave it always, so this will def help with that! Thanks love!!
Okay, okay, this post is quite more than long enough, so here's the rest of my fave Twiggy pix for y'all:
 |
| Haha, she looks kind of hippy-dippy, I love it |
 |
| She's so fun!! |
 |
| This reminds me of the book Wintergirls. |
 |
| I love her hair, I want it lol |
Oh God, wait one more, how could I forget, hello to new followers Skylar and M!!!
Okay now I'm really done. :)
Sunday, March 27
There I Go
Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I ended up staying another night with Dylan. :)
I'm waiting for my roommate to get in the shower so I can weigh myself. When she does, I'll just put my weight at the end so as to avoid confusion and such. And if it went up, then you'll already know why. :-/
Here's the run-down-ing-ist run-down of the last couple days you'll ever see:
Friday
After leaving with his mom, met his dad as well, and I was so glad that there was no family bonding dinner time. Partly because of the food, and partly because his dad scares me a little bit. He's quite gruff and intimidating, at least from my point of view. However.
Left from his house to go to his friend's house; his friend is shipping out with the army and this would be the last time Dylan would get to see him for potentially years. And his parents were hosting a good-bye party/dinner. We sat there eating for ALMOST TWO HOURS. I was really pickish tho, and so I *think* I probably (hopefully!) stayed under or around 1000 for the day.
Except for the alcohol and red bull, of which much was consumed around the bonfire that night. :)
Saturday
Dylan wanted brekkie of course, I guess his mom had already eaten but they both expected me to have something as well. So I had a glass of orange juice (110) and 2 blueberry Eggo waffles (190) with 1/2 Tbsp syrup (50). So breakfast was already 350, wtf. :-/
THEN went back to the same friend's house where we continued to eateateat. They had Subway subs; I had 1/3 of a turkey one (with turkey picked off, of course) but I think it still had a bit of mayo. I'm going 300 on it, maybe it's high, but I'd rather go high than low. Also...we played Apples to Apples at the table and the chips were sitting in front of me with guacamole and salsa and feta cheese red pepper dip and avocado dip and I ate so so so much. :( I feel sick just thinking about it but I wasn't even full at the time.
After coming back, my good friend (who just happens to live right by Dylan's :) had a Chinese food and movie night. I didn't order Chinese but ohmyfuckingGod the smell of it burned my soul. I love Chinese food. If I hadn't stayed with Dylan last night, I would have come home and eaten Chinese till I couldn't move anymore. As it was, I still had much vodka and cola.
And That Brings Us To Today
I'll just get it out of the way. My weight is back up to
122.0
(a gain of 0.8 lbs) so just fuck my life and fuck my goal for today. I'm a fat-ass, I won't look good in the same skirt that Courtney will...Okay, comparison time. When I made my goal for today, I weighed 128. So I'm still 6 pounds down from then, but that'll hardly be noticeable. Maybe some of my lack of weight loss is actually muscle gain? I don't know. I can only hopehopehope. I'll do my best.
Thinking about this Chinese food has made me desperately hungry for it. I'm gonna go have some squash now, estimating high at 85 cals. Also need to get rehydrated, but not too rehydrated, I don't want to be bloated for tonight.
My next post will have lots of pretty thinspo, promise. :) I already know what the theme is! XD
Stay strong, all you beautiful lovelies out there, and let those bones show proud <3
Friday, March 25
I'm a Survivor
Thanks Olivia Lee for the encouragement!
Really quickly letting you know I made it, I'm still alive; and an update on what happened/is happening!
Yesterday's intake:
oatmeal-soymilk: 125
orange: 45
fish: 45 (Sorry VOF - I'll explain myself later. lol *If* I remember.)
total: 215
ice cream: 320
crust: 130
strawberries: 20
blueberries: 10
ice cream was 480.
yesterday's total: whopping 695
Yet, at 1pm this afternoon, after no intake yet, I was still down to
121.2
A whole pound lost!! Kind of a "what the heck!?" moment but I'll take it!
Today's intake so far:
Less than a cup of squash: 70
(I thawed some I had frozen, then split it into cups, but the last cup [which is what I ate] didn't make it all the way full. All the better for me! :)
I'll be (maybe) drinking a bit tonight, but hopefully not too much. And I also hope I don't have to eat with his fam. It would be a good bonding experience, probably, but I'm not up to another night of ~not knowing~.
Ok really gotta hit the road now but I'll give y'all the scoop when I get home tomorrow!! (Haha, ice cream...scoop...lol :)
Really quickly letting you know I made it, I'm still alive; and an update on what happened/is happening!
Yesterday's intake:
oatmeal-soymilk: 125
orange: 45
fish: 45 (Sorry VOF - I'll explain myself later. lol *If* I remember.)
total: 215
ice cream: 320
crust: 130
strawberries: 20
blueberries: 10
ice cream was 480.
yesterday's total: whopping 695
Yet, at 1pm this afternoon, after no intake yet, I was still down to
121.2
A whole pound lost!! Kind of a "what the heck!?" moment but I'll take it!
Today's intake so far:
Less than a cup of squash: 70
(I thawed some I had frozen, then split it into cups, but the last cup [which is what I ate] didn't make it all the way full. All the better for me! :)
I'll be (maybe) drinking a bit tonight, but hopefully not too much. And I also hope I don't have to eat with his fam. It would be a good bonding experience, probably, but I'm not up to another night of ~not knowing~.
Ok really gotta hit the road now but I'll give y'all the scoop when I get home tomorrow!! (Haha, ice cream...scoop...lol :)
Please...
Last night was ice cream night. Ate too much. Can't weigh this morning as both my roommate and Dylan will leave after me. Dyingdyingdying.
Will do a real post with real numbers and real stuff later, no time now, must cram for a Swedish test and
worryworryworry.
For those of you who pray, please do, and please, everyone think skinny thoughts at that scale for me. Dying to know what that number is...
Yargh. Thanks, loves.
Bones are beautiful <3
Will do a real post with real numbers and real stuff later, no time now, must cram for a Swedish test and
worryworryworry.
For those of you who pray, please do, and please, everyone think skinny thoughts at that scale for me. Dying to know what that number is...
Yargh. Thanks, loves.
Bones are beautiful <3
Thursday, March 24
A Lengthy and Beautiful Post
I'm sorry, but I promise this will be long, because I have so many things to say!
Up to bat is a big "OhmyGodddddddd thank you!!!!" to Miss Lillie!! She bestowed upon me the Versatile Blogger Award, which pretty much was the sweetest thing ever. Rules: Thank the lovely that gave you the gift (haha no prompting needed here!); Share 7 things about yourself; deal out the award to 10 more wonderful bloggers and drop in on their blog and say hi! :)
So, 7 things, huh? ...
1. I used to ride horses all the time, jumping and everything, but one time I got stepped on and though I wasn't hurt, it spooked me enough (for some reason?) that I didn't go back for a few weeks, then my instructor moved and I've never really ridden on my own since.
2. I love to garden, and my stepdad even gave me my own plot to use this summer and I plan to grow many wonderful, strange, and varied things there.
3. My fam is a bit messy - I won't go into it too much (this post doesn't need to get THAT long lol), but I have 2 older 1/2 bros, an older 1/2 sister, and a younger 1/2 bro. Confused yet? Yeahhh...
4. I'm lactose-intolerant but sometimes when I binge I still eat ice cream and cheese and stuff because they used to be some of my fave foods before I started losing weight. I've always been lactose-intolerant though.
5. I have conversations with myself in my own head, and sometimes I catch myself actually mouthing the words and I feel incredibly stupid and insane.
6. The first and only time I've ever had sex was in a threesome with my best friend and her fiancee. I kind of only count it halfway as sex though because he didn't go very far in. Not sure that makes a diff tho...?
7. My first language is English. I took 4 years of Spanish in high school and can converse fairly well in it. I also took 2 years of Latin in high school. I'm in my 2nd semester of college-level Swedish and I plan to continue through the entire program. Next fall semester, I plan to start French as well. Long story summarized, languages are marvelous.
Now for my 10-or-so nominees. I'm sorry but I don't think I know everyone's names, so I'll just use blog titles, I hope that's not too lame of me!
1. Why Can't I Just Be...Perfect?
2. Count My Bones
3. Skinny is sexy, big isn't beautiful
4. So She Says
5. Bingo Wings
6. gonna be skinny, coming?
7. *fluttering hearts
8. a journey to bones
9. Let's Dance Like We Used To <3
I love you all and I promise to stop by later tonight or tomorrow morning with smiles for y'all! (Okay, I guess I did know most of the names, just a couple I didn't, but if I did mostly names, then I'd feel bad for those couple that got posted as titles...)
Next order of business: Vespers dinner last night, and intake for yesterday.
During the day I had my oatmeal-soymilk, 125, and an orange, 45. At dinner I forced down:
1/4 baked potato: 40ish
5 carrots: 40ish (they had some butter on them)
1/2-cup-ish cooked cabbage: 15ish
slice of (homemade?) bread w 1/2 Tbsp butter: 130ish(going high because I'm not sure about the bread)
Total for the day (grr, I hate all these "ish"s, but I went high on all just in case): 395
Hm, not as bad as I had thought! :)
Next on the agenda: today and other fun things of the near future!
Since Dylan stayed overnight and we ate and went to work out together in the morning, I didn't get to weigh myself right away. (Drove me doubly crazy because I hadn't added up yesterday yet either.) So, after oatmeal-soymilk (125) (also, soymilk now gone, back to the water! :), 1/2 hour lifting, 10 oz water, and 1/2 cup of coffee, I weighed
122.2
A loss of nearly a whole pound!! Yesss!!! AND with eating in front of people AND with stuff in me already! Today just gets better and better!
And you know what else is great? I was planning to play the "lactose intolerance" card tonight at Coldstone so I could just give away most of my ice cream. Turns out that they have (lactose-free) sorbet, which has like 1/2 the cals of the ice cream, so with a good cal count today and working out this morning, I'll be able to eat a whole serving in front of everyone!
And I can stop worrying about Friday night eating too. Dylan said his fam isn't really planning on having a dinn, but "they might stop someplace on the way home". So, if I just say I ate before I came (totally plausible - they're picking us up at 5pm), it's ixnay on the fast food! Just have to be crafty about Saturday morning's brekkie now, and I'll be good to go for Sunday night whootwhoot! :)
The only downside of today is that my skin is turning to absolute hell. I guess VOF isn't great for that kind of upkeep, hm. Any suggestions for that?
Okay, I've spent much too long on this, now must dash away to class! (Bonus cals burned for dashing, right? Right. :)
Farewell for now darling, stay strong, and may you all become ever stronger every day!
Bones are beautiful <3
Up to bat is a big "OhmyGodddddddd thank you!!!!" to Miss Lillie!! She bestowed upon me the Versatile Blogger Award, which pretty much was the sweetest thing ever. Rules: Thank the lovely that gave you the gift (haha no prompting needed here!); Share 7 things about yourself; deal out the award to 10 more wonderful bloggers and drop in on their blog and say hi! :)
So, 7 things, huh? ...
1. I used to ride horses all the time, jumping and everything, but one time I got stepped on and though I wasn't hurt, it spooked me enough (for some reason?) that I didn't go back for a few weeks, then my instructor moved and I've never really ridden on my own since.
2. I love to garden, and my stepdad even gave me my own plot to use this summer and I plan to grow many wonderful, strange, and varied things there.
3. My fam is a bit messy - I won't go into it too much (this post doesn't need to get THAT long lol), but I have 2 older 1/2 bros, an older 1/2 sister, and a younger 1/2 bro. Confused yet? Yeahhh...
4. I'm lactose-intolerant but sometimes when I binge I still eat ice cream and cheese and stuff because they used to be some of my fave foods before I started losing weight. I've always been lactose-intolerant though.
5. I have conversations with myself in my own head, and sometimes I catch myself actually mouthing the words and I feel incredibly stupid and insane.
6. The first and only time I've ever had sex was in a threesome with my best friend and her fiancee. I kind of only count it halfway as sex though because he didn't go very far in. Not sure that makes a diff tho...?
7. My first language is English. I took 4 years of Spanish in high school and can converse fairly well in it. I also took 2 years of Latin in high school. I'm in my 2nd semester of college-level Swedish and I plan to continue through the entire program. Next fall semester, I plan to start French as well. Long story summarized, languages are marvelous.
Now for my 10-or-so nominees. I'm sorry but I don't think I know everyone's names, so I'll just use blog titles, I hope that's not too lame of me!
1. Why Can't I Just Be...Perfect?
2. Count My Bones
3. Skinny is sexy, big isn't beautiful
4. So She Says
5. Bingo Wings
6. gonna be skinny, coming?
7. *fluttering hearts
8. a journey to bones
9. Let's Dance Like We Used To <3
I love you all and I promise to stop by later tonight or tomorrow morning with smiles for y'all! (Okay, I guess I did know most of the names, just a couple I didn't, but if I did mostly names, then I'd feel bad for those couple that got posted as titles...)
Next order of business: Vespers dinner last night, and intake for yesterday.
During the day I had my oatmeal-soymilk, 125, and an orange, 45. At dinner I forced down:
1/4 baked potato: 40ish
5 carrots: 40ish (they had some butter on them)
1/2-cup-ish cooked cabbage: 15ish
slice of (homemade?) bread w 1/2 Tbsp butter: 130ish(going high because I'm not sure about the bread)
Total for the day (grr, I hate all these "ish"s, but I went high on all just in case): 395
Hm, not as bad as I had thought! :)
Next on the agenda: today and other fun things of the near future!
Since Dylan stayed overnight and we ate and went to work out together in the morning, I didn't get to weigh myself right away. (Drove me doubly crazy because I hadn't added up yesterday yet either.) So, after oatmeal-soymilk (125) (also, soymilk now gone, back to the water! :), 1/2 hour lifting, 10 oz water, and 1/2 cup of coffee, I weighed
122.2
A loss of nearly a whole pound!! Yesss!!! AND with eating in front of people AND with stuff in me already! Today just gets better and better!
And you know what else is great? I was planning to play the "lactose intolerance" card tonight at Coldstone so I could just give away most of my ice cream. Turns out that they have (lactose-free) sorbet, which has like 1/2 the cals of the ice cream, so with a good cal count today and working out this morning, I'll be able to eat a whole serving in front of everyone!
And I can stop worrying about Friday night eating too. Dylan said his fam isn't really planning on having a dinn, but "they might stop someplace on the way home". So, if I just say I ate before I came (totally plausible - they're picking us up at 5pm), it's ixnay on the fast food! Just have to be crafty about Saturday morning's brekkie now, and I'll be good to go for Sunday night whootwhoot! :)
The only downside of today is that my skin is turning to absolute hell. I guess VOF isn't great for that kind of upkeep, hm. Any suggestions for that?
Okay, I've spent much too long on this, now must dash away to class! (Bonus cals burned for dashing, right? Right. :)
Farewell for now darling, stay strong, and may you all become ever stronger every day!
Bones are beautiful <3
Wednesday, March 23
Looking For Something More
123.1
Is that all you can give me, body? After my hard work yesterday? After my pretty good cal count? After waking up horribly weak this morning? Is it because of the fish? Crap, because I still have to eat the other 1/2 sometime this week. But it was only 45 cals. Maybe because I've just started my monthly this morning? I know, I'm fat right now, but remember when you used to not give me my periods, body? Remember the fun we had then, body, GET TO IT. Enough of this "barely losing 1/2 a pound" thing.
Anyway.
I had been all stressed out because Wednesday-Thursday are "gonna hafta eat" and ALSO "can't fit in a workout" days. Now, I'm going home with Dylan Friday night and meeting his family. I'm pretty sure his mom's making dinn for us too, so that means I'll have to be all "om nom nom SUCH a good cook Mrs. Dylan's mom!"...so, I made a resolution: hell with everything else, I'M FITTING IN SOME WORKOUTS. The plan-o for the next few days:
Today: Squeeze in a run between my last class and when Dylan gets here for Vespers. If I push it, I can make it 1/2 hour.
Tomorrow (Thursday): Get up early (previously unheard of!) and workout out before class, as I don't have one till noon. Then, after classes, I have a couple hours to do some hardcore cleaning before "ice cream night" begins.
Friday: Screwed for working out, but I'm walking all the way to Dylan's place for when we get picked up by his rents, so, maybe something good there?
Since I know for sure that I'll have to eat at the end of all three days, I've decided not to fuck up my metabolism by fasting beforehand. Extreme restriction is a must, though, to make up for all the cals I'll consume later on.
Must. Not. Gain. Weight. Before. Sunday.
But! On the upswing, hello to new follower Zane! And thanks for the comment of encouragement, Lillie. lol, You know, any of you can feel free to comment at any time. Encouragement, suggestions/advice, questions, I'll take it all...it's just nice to know I'm not alone. Which is why we're all here, right? :)
Oh, ho-hum, should also mention that I've started (on Monday) the SlimQuick All Natural supplements. I bought it before the West Virginia trip because it was on clearance and I heard someone recommend it in their blog. Maybe it works, maybe not, maybe I have to wait longer, but the loss I've had so far seems to be mostly from my own work, so I'll keep you posted on that.
I know I said that I'd start walking to my across-campus class on MWF, but it's icky weather out today and I'm running a bit behind because of this post, so I'm going to take the bus again. If I walk it Friday though, it might make a good workout, methinks.
M'k, no time to scour through my archives for a thinspo theme again today, so just more pix of pretties. :)
Stay strong and lovely and beautifully boney darlings!! <3
Is that all you can give me, body? After my hard work yesterday? After my pretty good cal count? After waking up horribly weak this morning? Is it because of the fish? Crap, because I still have to eat the other 1/2 sometime this week. But it was only 45 cals. Maybe because I've just started my monthly this morning? I know, I'm fat right now, but remember when you used to not give me my periods, body? Remember the fun we had then, body, GET TO IT. Enough of this "barely losing 1/2 a pound" thing.
Anyway.
I had been all stressed out because Wednesday-Thursday are "gonna hafta eat" and ALSO "can't fit in a workout" days. Now, I'm going home with Dylan Friday night and meeting his family. I'm pretty sure his mom's making dinn for us too, so that means I'll have to be all "om nom nom SUCH a good cook Mrs. Dylan's mom!"...so, I made a resolution: hell with everything else, I'M FITTING IN SOME WORKOUTS. The plan-o for the next few days:
Today: Squeeze in a run between my last class and when Dylan gets here for Vespers. If I push it, I can make it 1/2 hour.
Tomorrow (Thursday): Get up early (previously unheard of!) and workout out before class, as I don't have one till noon. Then, after classes, I have a couple hours to do some hardcore cleaning before "ice cream night" begins.
Friday: Screwed for working out, but I'm walking all the way to Dylan's place for when we get picked up by his rents, so, maybe something good there?
Since I know for sure that I'll have to eat at the end of all three days, I've decided not to fuck up my metabolism by fasting beforehand. Extreme restriction is a must, though, to make up for all the cals I'll consume later on.
Must. Not. Gain. Weight. Before. Sunday.
But! On the upswing, hello to new follower Zane! And thanks for the comment of encouragement, Lillie. lol, You know, any of you can feel free to comment at any time. Encouragement, suggestions/advice, questions, I'll take it all...it's just nice to know I'm not alone. Which is why we're all here, right? :)
Oh, ho-hum, should also mention that I've started (on Monday) the SlimQuick All Natural supplements. I bought it before the West Virginia trip because it was on clearance and I heard someone recommend it in their blog. Maybe it works, maybe not, maybe I have to wait longer, but the loss I've had so far seems to be mostly from my own work, so I'll keep you posted on that.
I know I said that I'd start walking to my across-campus class on MWF, but it's icky weather out today and I'm running a bit behind because of this post, so I'm going to take the bus again. If I walk it Friday though, it might make a good workout, methinks.
M'k, no time to scour through my archives for a thinspo theme again today, so just more pix of pretties. :)
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| Wow, lots of scene girls today lol. |
Stay strong and lovely and beautifully boney darlings!! <3
Tuesday, March 22
Mm-hm, Another Post
Sorry for doubling up today. But I swear, I actually have a little bit to say now.
Start off with my intake:
Oatmeal with vanilla Silk (only 1/2 serving each today, never made the 2nd half): 125
BRAEBURN apple this time (wha...?): 80
mandarin orange: 45
1/2 fillet of alaskan pollack: 45
lemon Propel: 20
Total: 315, or 295 without the flavored water
I know, I know, I screwed myself with that fish, not part of VOF (what I lovingly call this week's plan of Veggies-Oatmeal-Fruit), but as I was walking home from the gym, somebody was making fish and I could smell it and I couldn't stop thinking about it and there was nearly no fat in it and so all the cals were protein so that's okay right? Of course not. Meh. But at least my total was still kind of low, there's maybe a bit of wiggle room for another orange before bed. Maybe. I'll try not to.
On the up side, BURNED IT UP at the gym today! Ran 2.5 miles. This may not sound like much of anything to anyone else, but I've been living under the impression that I would be unable to do more than like, 3 minutes of jogging before needing to stop and making a fool of myself in the process. But I made it, and it felt damn good. I'll be doing a hella lot more of that!! Plus resistance trained for around 1/2 hour-ish. Would have done more, but I was with my friend today and she wanted to stop. (Side note: I've noticed that nobody besides me seems to like doing full circuits and working every muscle possible, much less several times over. Is that normal, or do I have lazy friends? Hm.) Anyway, my friend that I went with wants to make this a weekly thing, which is excelleeeeeeent!! Did I mention that she was on the lifting team at her high school? Oh yes. Challenge? I think so. :)
Probably no way to fit in a workout for the next two days, so hopefully I'm damn sore to make up for it. Supersupersuper anxious for Vespers dinner tomorrow, and even more so for "ice cream night" on Thursday. Even a small of just ice cream at Coldstone is more than 300. Fuckos. Mehhh...I'll do my best, but if I don't post...you know why. :(
Interesting thing: Found a stream-of-consciousness page I wrote while I was bored during psych class exactly 2 weeks ago. Guess what, I was exactly - EXACTLY, to a tenth of a pound - the same weight then as I am now. How depressing is that? I'd better lose tomorrow, I'll go nuts if I don't...
Oh, speaking of Vespers, choir sings, so I'd reeeeally better lose if I don't wanna look like Fatty McCowfull up in front of the congregation. Oh good God...gah. Wish me luck with these next two days. If they go according to plan, then I might be okay for Sunday. If no, then... End. Of. World. (Pretty much.)
Ahkay, off to do laundry, that will keep me occupied quite awhile so maybe I'll make it to bed without that extra 45-cal orange. No theme for thinspo today, just posting stuff to keep me motivated.
Love y'all so much, stay strong and lovely!
Bones are beautiful <3
Start off with my intake:
Oatmeal with vanilla Silk (only 1/2 serving each today, never made the 2nd half): 125
BRAEBURN apple this time (wha...?): 80
mandarin orange: 45
1/2 fillet of alaskan pollack: 45
lemon Propel: 20
Total: 315, or 295 without the flavored water
I know, I know, I screwed myself with that fish, not part of VOF (what I lovingly call this week's plan of Veggies-Oatmeal-Fruit), but as I was walking home from the gym, somebody was making fish and I could smell it and I couldn't stop thinking about it and there was nearly no fat in it and so all the cals were protein so that's okay right? Of course not. Meh. But at least my total was still kind of low, there's maybe a bit of wiggle room for another orange before bed. Maybe. I'll try not to.
On the up side, BURNED IT UP at the gym today! Ran 2.5 miles. This may not sound like much of anything to anyone else, but I've been living under the impression that I would be unable to do more than like, 3 minutes of jogging before needing to stop and making a fool of myself in the process. But I made it, and it felt damn good. I'll be doing a hella lot more of that!! Plus resistance trained for around 1/2 hour-ish. Would have done more, but I was with my friend today and she wanted to stop. (Side note: I've noticed that nobody besides me seems to like doing full circuits and working every muscle possible, much less several times over. Is that normal, or do I have lazy friends? Hm.) Anyway, my friend that I went with wants to make this a weekly thing, which is excelleeeeeeent!! Did I mention that she was on the lifting team at her high school? Oh yes. Challenge? I think so. :)
Probably no way to fit in a workout for the next two days, so hopefully I'm damn sore to make up for it. Supersupersuper anxious for Vespers dinner tomorrow, and even more so for "ice cream night" on Thursday. Even a small of just ice cream at Coldstone is more than 300. Fuckos. Mehhh...I'll do my best, but if I don't post...you know why. :(
Interesting thing: Found a stream-of-consciousness page I wrote while I was bored during psych class exactly 2 weeks ago. Guess what, I was exactly - EXACTLY, to a tenth of a pound - the same weight then as I am now. How depressing is that? I'd better lose tomorrow, I'll go nuts if I don't...
Oh, speaking of Vespers, choir sings, so I'd reeeeally better lose if I don't wanna look like Fatty McCowfull up in front of the congregation. Oh good God...gah. Wish me luck with these next two days. If they go according to plan, then I might be okay for Sunday. If no, then... End. Of. World. (Pretty much.)
Ahkay, off to do laundry, that will keep me occupied quite awhile so maybe I'll make it to bed without that extra 45-cal orange. No theme for thinspo today, just posting stuff to keep me motivated.
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| This is actually the color my hair is right now. If only I could look like her... |
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| This is my desktop background right now, and since all my desktops have been record-themed lately, I figured it wasn't too noticible to others, but it still inspires me every time I see it. |
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| Look how happy the 2 above skinnies are. I want to be like that. |
Love y'all so much, stay strong and lovely!
Bones are beautiful <3
Hide and Seek
That's the song on Youtube I was just watching thinspo to.
Anyways, wanted to check in quickly this morning. Resisted that orange last night, whoopwhoop. Decided against fasting today again, as I'm still feeling shit. So barely any fasting this week, crappos. Still lost weight from yesterday though, I'm down to
123.8
which is nearly a pound down. Still up from before the trip though. Poo on that. That's all I've got for y'all now, just wanted to mention the resistance last night and the loss this morning. Short, semi-useless post. Ah well.
Here's the vid I was watching:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ-Jd385Avk
Think skinny thoughts darlings. Bones are beautiful <3
Anyways, wanted to check in quickly this morning. Resisted that orange last night, whoopwhoop. Decided against fasting today again, as I'm still feeling shit. So barely any fasting this week, crappos. Still lost weight from yesterday though, I'm down to
123.8
which is nearly a pound down. Still up from before the trip though. Poo on that. That's all I've got for y'all now, just wanted to mention the resistance last night and the loss this morning. Short, semi-useless post. Ah well.
Here's the vid I was watching:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ-Jd385Avk
Think skinny thoughts darlings. Bones are beautiful <3
Monday, March 21
Priorities
I have a full assignment of Swedish homework, several unstarted readings for tomorrow in psych, and I'm 1/2 chapter behind in Nutri Sci. What do I do the second I get home from my meeting? Start that buttload of work? Psh of course not, I jump on to Blogger and check how much I said a mandarin orange was. Excellent.
Another priority switch-up: do I go low-cal, or do I eat a bit extra so my body can heal? If I consume any extra, my beating at the gym today will have been pretty much for naught. But, if I can heal faster, then I can do more fasting. But looking at my week, would fasting even be possible any extra days? Fuck. Priorities.
Well, I weighed in at 124.7 this morning, a gain of a pound and a half over the last week. Not as bad as I was expecting nor as terrible as I deserve, but still a blow, considering my looming deadline. :(
As I mentioned above, worked out today, but I left the gym unsatisfied because there were sooo many people I didn't get to do as many circuits and reps as I could have. At least I'll probably still be sore tomorrow?
Today's cal count:
Oatmeal made with Vanilla Silk (I have to use it up...): 250
FUJI apple (I was hoodwinked!): 80
Mandarin orange: 45
Vitamin Water: 125
Total: 500 even
Minus 7-min warm-up on the bike (41 cals), minus resistance & weights (around 300ish)...well, I guess the cal balance wasn't TOO bad then...I'm'a still try to survive without another orange though. But rest assured, if I do eat anything else today, it will be JUST the orange, and that is ALL.
Hm...I know you're supposed to rest in between days of lifting and such, but...I really didn't get the chance to push myself all the way today, and tomorrow looks like such a perfect schedule to fit a work-out in, and I'd really love to burn some pouuuuuundsssss...I guess we'll see.
Oh, funny/irritating story from this morning. I feel kind of mean telling it but...you'll see.
So, was on the bus, and at this one stop, we had already started moving, and a fat girl chugs on up and the driver (coz he's nice) slams on the brakes and gives everyone a heart attack just so the slow fat girl can get on. Meh.
Here's the real kicker though: fat girl gets off AT THE VERY NEXT STOP. A BLOCK AWAY. Wth, so lazy!! No wonder she was so overweight! Was good reverse thinspo though, I guess.
Got me thinking about why I take the bus to that class, however. Used to be coz it was super-freezy out and the class is across town. But, if I would leave, like, 10 mins earlier, I could walk there and get there at the same time pretty much. So, thank you, random chunky stranger, for inspiring my epiphany. I shouldn't have been so mean...
On Thursday, I'm hanging out with my friends and one one really good girlfriend wants to take me to Coldstone Creamery, as I've never been there before and it's apparently her fave ice cream ever. They made a special date and time about it and everything. So no avoiding it, but I'm super-worried. It's so close to Sunday, it's too much too close. It's too much anytime but what if I gain? What if I gain and can't lose it in time?! Also, won't be able to work out Wednesday or Thursday, that just leaves Friday and Saturday, and what if I'm too sore Saturday from working out Friday and I can't? Ohmygod I'm panicking so much over this, I've been researching their facts but who knows what she'll order for me? I need my friends and I need them to know I eat and know I'm normal and know my priorities are perfect but how can I handle this?
I'm just not sure. :(
Reverse thinspo is crappy, but I'll post it anyway, for my sake. Maybe scare the bejeezus outta my fat-retaining self, bejeezus has to be like at least a pound, right? Uh, right. Good.
Oh yuck oh yuck oh yuck this is so terrible. Ughhh...don't think I'll have that orange after all...
My bones are worth more than that. <3
Another priority switch-up: do I go low-cal, or do I eat a bit extra so my body can heal? If I consume any extra, my beating at the gym today will have been pretty much for naught. But, if I can heal faster, then I can do more fasting. But looking at my week, would fasting even be possible any extra days? Fuck. Priorities.
Well, I weighed in at 124.7 this morning, a gain of a pound and a half over the last week. Not as bad as I was expecting nor as terrible as I deserve, but still a blow, considering my looming deadline. :(
As I mentioned above, worked out today, but I left the gym unsatisfied because there were sooo many people I didn't get to do as many circuits and reps as I could have. At least I'll probably still be sore tomorrow?
Today's cal count:
Oatmeal made with Vanilla Silk (I have to use it up...): 250
FUJI apple (I was hoodwinked!): 80
Mandarin orange: 45
Vitamin Water: 125
Total: 500 even
Minus 7-min warm-up on the bike (41 cals), minus resistance & weights (around 300ish)...well, I guess the cal balance wasn't TOO bad then...I'm'a still try to survive without another orange though. But rest assured, if I do eat anything else today, it will be JUST the orange, and that is ALL.
Hm...I know you're supposed to rest in between days of lifting and such, but...I really didn't get the chance to push myself all the way today, and tomorrow looks like such a perfect schedule to fit a work-out in, and I'd really love to burn some pouuuuuundsssss...I guess we'll see.
Oh, funny/irritating story from this morning. I feel kind of mean telling it but...you'll see.
So, was on the bus, and at this one stop, we had already started moving, and a fat girl chugs on up and the driver (coz he's nice) slams on the brakes and gives everyone a heart attack just so the slow fat girl can get on. Meh.
Here's the real kicker though: fat girl gets off AT THE VERY NEXT STOP. A BLOCK AWAY. Wth, so lazy!! No wonder she was so overweight! Was good reverse thinspo though, I guess.
Got me thinking about why I take the bus to that class, however. Used to be coz it was super-freezy out and the class is across town. But, if I would leave, like, 10 mins earlier, I could walk there and get there at the same time pretty much. So, thank you, random chunky stranger, for inspiring my epiphany. I shouldn't have been so mean...
On Thursday, I'm hanging out with my friends and one one really good girlfriend wants to take me to Coldstone Creamery, as I've never been there before and it's apparently her fave ice cream ever. They made a special date and time about it and everything. So no avoiding it, but I'm super-worried. It's so close to Sunday, it's too much too close. It's too much anytime but what if I gain? What if I gain and can't lose it in time?! Also, won't be able to work out Wednesday or Thursday, that just leaves Friday and Saturday, and what if I'm too sore Saturday from working out Friday and I can't? Ohmygod I'm panicking so much over this, I've been researching their facts but who knows what she'll order for me? I need my friends and I need them to know I eat and know I'm normal and know my priorities are perfect but how can I handle this?
I'm just not sure. :(
Reverse thinspo is crappy, but I'll post it anyway, for my sake. Maybe scare the bejeezus outta my fat-retaining self, bejeezus has to be like at least a pound, right? Uh, right. Good.
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| This is just disgusting. Why would anyone think this is OKAY?! |
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| This is honestly one of the grossest things I've ever seen. |
My bones are worth more than that. <3
Sunday, March 20
My Lives Don't Jive
As in, my eating life and other life.
The last week was great in the "other" category, but horrid for eating. I'm afraid to see what my scale has to say tomorrow morning...
Quick recap of "other": dug a mini-pond and a deepbed on the organic vineyard, played bingo with old folks, shuffled papers for a domestic abuse shelter, made balloon animals, watched movies, bonded with new friends, learned about mining and mountain-top removal in West Virginia, explored thrift and consignment shops near the vineyard, and such. Wonderful. Beautiful. Brilliant.
Let's not get too much into the eating aspect, shall we...my saving grace was that most of the girls on the trip with me (it was 8 other girls and a guy, lol) were very health-consious as well, so not too much *unhealthy* eating. Just a lot of it. Blehhh. But, as little info as that is, it will all be revealed to you in tomorrow's weight. Blehhh.
Taking that into consideration, and also the fact that I needneedneed to be smaller by next Sunday - 1 week from today - for my friend coming to visit, I've created a master plan for the next week.
This last week, I was intro'd to on-the-stove oatmeal, and I found the filling experience quite pleasurable and lo-calish, all things considered. So, my plan is to eat only oatmeal and fruits/veggies for the next week. Did quite well for myself today, though I wasn't counting (I plan to add it up at the end, which will be soon, methinks). I allowed myself today of not counting because it would be hard to jump from a week of craziness straight into under-500's and fasts. Which I plan to do as many days of as possible, but I'm mighty ill at the moment...if I'm feeling a bit better tomorrow, then tomorrow is a liquid fast. If no, then [insert master plan here]. Same for the other days, except Wednesday, as that's Vespers. Of course, mucho tea and water.
Fudged up a little today, as you'll see below. I'm seeing this for the first time too, so bear with me.
Pink Lady apple (best. apples. ever.) : 80 seems to be the concensus
banana with 1/2 Tbsp peanut butter (1st oops): 80ish+50 == 130
mandarin orange: 45
2/3 salad (romaine, green pepps, mushrooms. sprouts, tomatoes) with lite tomato ranch dressing: 50 + 60 ==110
oatmeal: 150
grand total: [cue drumroll] 515
Bada-boom. Accidental awesomeness, ah loove it. Plus was fooling around hardcore with my boii Dylan for - get this -12 hours straight last night/this morning, that had to have some effect. lolz. What a guy, do believe I'll keep him. I don't believe in sex before marriage, but trust me, I can still "sexercise" well enough. Hopefully that's not TMI for ya'll. Actually it helped in 2 ways, burning cals, and also (seeing as we didn't get up til 1-ish this afternoon) keeping me from eating. Double Whammy, hellz yes.
So, there you have it: My last week of MIA in a nutshell, my terror for tomorrow morning, my plan, and my successful day today. And I think this post is actually much shorter than my usual ones, hm. Hm hm thinspo, what shall I post...? Well, Dylan noticed my collarbones this morning (he also said he liked my flat tum, buuut not believing him on THAT one...) so I'll post collarbones! Ah bones, love y'all so much, come visit me soon. Preferably by next Sunday...?
Mischa Barton, always a thinspiration
one of my fave thinspo pix
how cool is this picture?
The last week was great in the "other" category, but horrid for eating. I'm afraid to see what my scale has to say tomorrow morning...
Quick recap of "other": dug a mini-pond and a deepbed on the organic vineyard, played bingo with old folks, shuffled papers for a domestic abuse shelter, made balloon animals, watched movies, bonded with new friends, learned about mining and mountain-top removal in West Virginia, explored thrift and consignment shops near the vineyard, and such. Wonderful. Beautiful. Brilliant.
Let's not get too much into the eating aspect, shall we...my saving grace was that most of the girls on the trip with me (it was 8 other girls and a guy, lol) were very health-consious as well, so not too much *unhealthy* eating. Just a lot of it. Blehhh. But, as little info as that is, it will all be revealed to you in tomorrow's weight. Blehhh.
Taking that into consideration, and also the fact that I needneedneed to be smaller by next Sunday - 1 week from today - for my friend coming to visit, I've created a master plan for the next week.
This last week, I was intro'd to on-the-stove oatmeal, and I found the filling experience quite pleasurable and lo-calish, all things considered. So, my plan is to eat only oatmeal and fruits/veggies for the next week. Did quite well for myself today, though I wasn't counting (I plan to add it up at the end, which will be soon, methinks). I allowed myself today of not counting because it would be hard to jump from a week of craziness straight into under-500's and fasts. Which I plan to do as many days of as possible, but I'm mighty ill at the moment...if I'm feeling a bit better tomorrow, then tomorrow is a liquid fast. If no, then [insert master plan here]. Same for the other days, except Wednesday, as that's Vespers. Of course, mucho tea and water.
Fudged up a little today, as you'll see below. I'm seeing this for the first time too, so bear with me.
Pink Lady apple (best. apples. ever.) : 80 seems to be the concensus
banana with 1/2 Tbsp peanut butter (1st oops): 80ish+50 == 130
mandarin orange: 45
2/3 salad (romaine, green pepps, mushrooms. sprouts, tomatoes) with lite tomato ranch dressing: 50 + 60 ==110
oatmeal: 150
grand total: [cue drumroll] 515
Bada-boom. Accidental awesomeness, ah loove it. Plus was fooling around hardcore with my boii Dylan for - get this -12 hours straight last night/this morning, that had to have some effect. lolz. What a guy, do believe I'll keep him. I don't believe in sex before marriage, but trust me, I can still "sexercise" well enough. Hopefully that's not TMI for ya'll. Actually it helped in 2 ways, burning cals, and also (seeing as we didn't get up til 1-ish this afternoon) keeping me from eating. Double Whammy, hellz yes.
So, there you have it: My last week of MIA in a nutshell, my terror for tomorrow morning, my plan, and my successful day today. And I think this post is actually much shorter than my usual ones, hm. Hm hm thinspo, what shall I post...? Well, Dylan noticed my collarbones this morning (he also said he liked my flat tum, buuut not believing him on THAT one...) so I'll post collarbones! Ah bones, love y'all so much, come visit me soon. Preferably by next Sunday...?
Mischa Barton, always a thinspirationone of my fave thinspo pixhow cool is this picture?Alright beauties, stay lovely and think skinny. Bones are beautiful <3
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