nononononononooo. :(

I hate myself, I really do. I wish there were a kill switch on my neck or something so that as soon as I start, somebody could just rush over and flip it and that would be that. Powered down. Not burning cals, but not binging either.

It started out so stupid. I wasn't even hungry, and then I saw that pie, and figured, one teensy 1/2" pc won't hurt, coz I've got that nearly 100 cals left today to play around with...

Who thought pie and ice cream and a chocolate-filled piñata were a good idea for a bloody meeting?! (A frickin piñata?!)

And my roommate was home so I couldn't even start my guilt workout either. I need to focus, I have schoolwork due tomorrow that I've yet to do. But how can I when my abdomen is going to explode and I'm a fat cow and I'll probably gain like 2 lbs tomorrow, setting me way back for GWA? How will I be thin? My legs were just starting to get noticeably thinner. How could I jeapordize that? Tomorrow's supposed to be a 400 day on ABC but I'm fasting. Ate all tomorrow's cals already anyway. :-(

To get myself back on track, I'm posting some reverse-thinspo. Sorry if it disturbs anybody, but SOMEONE needs to give me a slap upside the head, and looks like it's gonna be me. Enjoy.

Bleh...Stay strong everybody, don't give in to that first taste...
Because remember, bones are beautiful. <3

Just a Quickie ;-)

Alrite, just a quick one before class to all my followers... hm. The future ones, maybe...

Yesterday's low-down: Turns out the naner I ate was less cals than I thought, bringing my total to 194. Almost ate something when I found that out, but I didn't. :-) So there better be a damn lower number on that scale today!! Wish me luck!!

Today's intake on the ABC is 300, easy-peesy after yesterday! Okay...here goes. Bring it on, scale.

CW: 124.4

"ooooh yes, my Lord, and I don't plan to stay here long!" (That's a piece of one of our Chapel choir songs.)

:-D

If I'm still in the 124's range tomorrow, I've picked out two places where I might go for reward A. :-)

Smiles and hugs and kisses and beauty and bones! <3

Mr. Fail, Your Nana's Calling

Key word in title: FAIL. Last night I got super wasted...I shouldn't have, because I always get "hungry" when I drink. As in, cantstopeating. I know I went over the 320 I had left, but once I woke up I realized that there wasn't QUITE as much damage done as I had thought at 4 am. I did go over the 500, but since tomorrow's another high day (400), I feel safe cutting my intake today so that days 1 & 2 add up to 1000 like they're supposed to, without screwing up the metabolism theory here. That sentence, had a lot of, commas. lol.

When I first woke up and panicked, my immediate plan was to start over so that today would be the first day. But 1. I did the math, and I'm not the degree of fail I previously thought, and 2. Pushing it back a day would mean fasting next Sunday...not possible. See, I have this leadership conference thing I was nominated to go on, and of course I accepted. It would have been a great weekend away from food, except a day or two ago I was rereading the info sheet and I noticed something that I hadn't before. We are all required to show up at all mealtimes and all snacktimes with the same exact 15 people who WILL NOTICE IF YOU HAVEN'T EATEN ALL DAY. Fml. So, I'm going to do my best to play up the "hm, I'm not really feeling [insert fat-inducing food here] today" and "I'm not feeling the best, so the [insert potentially multiple foods here] taste a little off" and of course the classic shoving your food around and hiding some in your napkin and etc. It'll be rough, but I know I can do it. The absolute worst part will be that I have no internet connection, so I won't have any thinspo or anybody to connect to while I'm there. Oh well, there's plenty of fatties going, I'll be able to use them as reverse-thinspo, especially when they're stuffing their faces at the mandatory pig-fests. :-) Oh, and there will be lots of outdoor activities, just waiting for me to burn cals!! So things are looking up all over the place. :-D

So, yesterday I ate/drank approximately 750 cals, and the total for Days 1 & 2 is 1000. So even though I went 250 above yesterday, if I stay below 250 today, I should be golden.

So far I've had:

Fat-Free Activia yogurt: 70
LOTS of water, but no coffee :-( yet :-)

I plan to have a banana, which is a whopping 105 (that's the highest for a fruit I've ever come across), which will put the total to 175. That gives me 75 to work with should I need it. It takes me forever to eat bananas though, so it should last me.

Okay, just finished my water, off for some coffee! :-D Here's an awesome before-after example I got from Ell over at A Journey to Bones last June.

Think of the obstacles she had to overcome!
And remember, bones are beautiful. <3

-Edit-

Ok, so I know most of my posts including this are obnoxiously long, but I wanted to update y'all:

Weight at 4pm (earliest I could do!): 125.5 (yeah...that's up. fuck my fuck-up)
Ate the banan, and also 35 cals of carrots w yellow mustard, so my total today is:
70+105+35 == 210. Yeah yeahhhhhh, hopefully nother loss tomorrow on that!! :-)

Bones are beauty. <3

The Ana Boot Camp Diet - Remember Your ABCD's!

Hello all,

I've actually changed my mind from a few minutes ago to start this today, as I am breaking my fast as we speak. (Or as I type, or whatever.) When coming off a fast or eating a low-cal diet (this is for everyone), I HIGHLY recommend Idahoan Potatoes' single-serve flavored mashed instant potatoes. I know, instant potatoes sound gross, right, not to mention bad for you? Consider this: each single serve packet is only 110 cals. Split it into two servings and you're good to go! Also, they are incredibly flavorful after not eating for awhile, which works great for us Ana's because the longer you go without eating, the less you can taste. It's like over-eating backwards.

Whoo-hoo! Also just ordered my free 30-day trial of Avesil, which is supposed to reduce appetite and increase metabolism. Only about $4 in s&h. Here's the link if you're interested - reviews on a 3rd-party site as well!

Ok. Now the real reason for this post. There are many slight variations on the ABC diet out there, so I picked the one that was the most consistant. That being said, roundabouts week 5 they all become very different, so I just picked this one because it's beautifully laid out for us by the people that don't want us doing it. Go figure. Here's the link! Make sure you check out the comments too; they're all great, except for "Annunvusai", who just makes me laugh for so many reasons. Now some thinspirational pix to keep us all motivated!! I love the before's and after's!!

This one is one of my fav thinspo pix of all time. It always reminds me of Dr. Seuss's question, "Would you rather be a skinny or a fat?"

Remember, pretties. Bones are Beautiful. <3


~Edit~

Alrite, today's calories were:
'Tatoes: 110
Fat-Free Activia Yogurt: 70

Total (so far): 180

I'm going out tonight with a few friends. It's a bit of a walk from the bus stop, so that should help burn. I'm bringing the alc, so I'll be pissed if everyone drinks it all away, but I'm going to pretend to drink alot more of that liquid fat than I actually will. I'm also bringing some Cheez-its and Ritz, which I'll mostly stay away from but it's ok if I have a few, because I have 500-180 == 320 cals to work with left today on the ABC diet. Wish me luck!

Keep bringin' out the beautiful bones. <3

Day 3. Whoa.

Hey all,

Just woke up about a 1/2 hour ago to my so-far-painful day 3. This is the longest I've ever purposely fasted, more than 60 hours now. Honestly, I feel like I could puke, but I'm fairly certain that's not possible. Also, I have the shakes incredibly bad (it's not helping the typing at all, lol) and I'm mildly dehydrated. The water is definitely helping all of the previous though. Not sure yet if I'm willing to try my coffee at this point or not...

ARGH! My roommate just got home from a night of revelry as well, so I can't weigh myself! (My scale is in our bedroom. I'm not letting her use it, it was expensive and also has my weight and progress stored in its memory.) Actually, she came home and walked in on me going to the bathroom. GRR. She said she was sorry and she didn't realize I was home. Okay, bitch, I have some problems with that excuse. 1. You had to walk past my coffee maker WHILE it was making coffee in order to get into the apartment. I would not start a drip then leave. 2. Where else would I be on a Saturday morning at around 10.30 am? 3. The door to the bedroom was wide open; I always make sure to close it whenever I leave. 4. My computer was turned on and waiting for me to log in. Pay attention, bitch. Alright, she just got in the shower, so I'm going to take this opportunity to weigh myself.

124.4! YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bless the heavens that cursed me!

I feel so so so sick right now. I started gagging to puke. Shit monkey. Shit monkeyFACE. Just before I weighed myself I was thinking that maybe I should just end it, considering how crappy I felt and how hard my heart was palpitating. But I can't now! Just knowing how successful I've been so far, and also because I think I might puke anything I'd try to eat. Last time I was in to the cardiologist she strongly recommended that I add more sodium to my diet (wtf?), and I'm sure that fasting was just what my heart needed. I can't die fat...

Okay. Okay. I'm so weak...I'm going to give in... :-( Not sure what I'm going to eat yet, because eating anything will require a 20-minute walk to the grocery store for some fruits and veggies (Not sure I still wanna attempt that several-week-old celery in the fridge), which I'm not sure I can handle right now... wow, this is getting to be a long post, isn't it? Apologies.

But I should mention that the only reason I'm allowing myself to eat today is because tomorrow, I'm starting the ABC diet! For those of you who have never heard of it, it's the Ana Boot Camp diet. I've never done it before, but it looks simple enough. Many of the days are higher cals than I usually eat anyway, and there's actually not too many fasting days. (Hm.) But this post is too long, so I'll post the ABC outline separately!

Wow, it took me 2 hours to type up this post. To be fair, I did nap a little though.

Bones are beautiful. <3

50 Hours Strong

Alrite, 50 hours without eating. Whoot! The only problem is, I've done all the cleaning and laundry and homework, now I'm sitting here at home with nobody here watching...I COULD just take a bite of a fruit bar and throw the rest away...but that would be CHEATING! Also, I've been looking at thinspo for the last and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT about how fat I am, not to mention how much that one bite could cost me. Especially by fasting the last two days and eating a max of 300 cals per day before that (with the major exception of my sweets binge on Wednesday), my metabolism has to be slower than slugs right now. That one bite could make the last 50 hours all for naught. It also could lead to more bites. (Omfg.) Like I said, being home all this weekend is going to be a huge challenge for me. I have no food of my own to eat, and of course I'd never eat my roommate's, but there's this ziplock bag of fruit bars and 1 cookie that's neutral ground. I want to eat it so bad but I'm so fucking afraid to even think of it, lest it add to my Fatty McMoocow-ness. Time to go for more water! Here's some thinspo for us all. The theme is beautiful, beautiful collarbones!:

Bones are Beautiful. <3

Begin Day 2!

Was down to 125.6 this morning, yes! I'll need to keep up this pace if I expect to reach GWA by next Friday.

Day 2 of the 4-day fast! I may up it to five days, we'll see, because Monday is an easy day for classes and it won't be hard to avoid food. The major test will be this weekend, because I'll be around all this food at home, and they always try to feed you at church and Bible study. At least tonight I have TONS of laundry to distract me. Now to stay hydrated - it would really be crappy if I went through this entire fast only to find afterwards that all I lost was water weight.

HA! My roommate just walked in after going out for lunch, complaining about how full she is. Not me. I'm empty and clean and pure and beautiful, more so every day.

Bones are beautiful. <3

And Let's Begin

I started jotting down my journey two days ago, before I had my blog up and running. I want to post them now as thinspiration for my skinny-minis out there.

Day One

Height: 5'3"
Current Weight: 127.2
BMI: 22.5
Highest Weight: 132
Low Weight: 109

Yeah, so today pretty much sucked ass in the eating spectrum. First that cheesecake thing, then at least 4 or 5 pieces of candy at the student org fair, to start off with. I know I ate at least a Reeses, a reeses mini, a bite-size Hershey, 2 choco hearts, oh yeah, that cookie beforehand…I know from Walgreen’s that those  cookies are mega-high in cals!! How’s that for nutrient density, Professor Anderson? Also had the rest of that pasta, that was abt 100 or so cals…wondering if I was even able to keep it under 1,000 today! So much for “around 500-600”. Need to keep a better handle on things. More water tomorrow. I really need to wrk on homework, so I can get to bed and hopefully not get my sleep cycle too off, makes me hungrier with less self-control! But some stats and reminders 1^st:

You are 5’3”. You weighed 127 this morning.

You need to lose weight for Jim.

You need to lose weight for the Polar Plunge – do you want to look like a WHALE in ur bikini?!

You want to fit back in your normal pants, not these fat-girl tents ur wearing now!

You need new jeans? Not til ur back down to at MOST a size 3!!

Eating makes you feel tired, especially candy and sweets and processed stuff. BUY SOME VEGGIES!!

More coffee again. Coffee ups the metabolism.

Start re-investing in some laxatives. Not much, but it DOES help. And you miss them anyway, don’t you?

Try to fit at least 2 ab routines in a day. Target those fat abs!!!

Remember. You are going to be that little girl.

Day Two

Alrite, I spent most of today figuring things out. Goals, mostly. Now that I’ve got them figured out, I can start keeping better track of things, and focus a bit more on schoolwork (namely Spanish, which I'm finally starting to re-understand!).  To figure out GW’s and dates for them, I needed to find specific dates that mean a lot to me, figure out my UGW, and step it so I can definitely reach the goals but I'm still challenging myself to think of that event every time I open that cupboard. Here goes!

Current weight, as of 10am today: 126.8

HW: 132

Lowest achieved goal weight: 109

GWA: 124 by Feb 6, the out-of-town conference

GWB: 120 by Feb 19, the Polar Plunge

GWC: 115 by Mar 11, first day of spring break

GWD: 109 by May 1, nearly end of school

UGW (for now!): 104 by June 3, day before BFF's wedding

And of course, goals are nothing without rewards!! (Even tho being a sexy fucking bitch is golden by itself!) For reaching _______, for at least 2 days in a row, I give myself ________:

GWA: a much-needed brow wax (I know, gross, but it certainly motivates me!)

GWB: a much-needed doc visit for what must be a UTI

GWC: the gift of tanning – rewarding AND beautifying

GWD: Vicky’s secret bikini

UGW: new clothes! (yes NEW), esp for the wedding

I realize that the doctor visit goal comes with potential danger. It’ll be a real test of how well I can fool them. Hopefully they don't take blood, because they’ll probably think I'm a diabetic or something. Far from it, you idiot over-diagnosers!!! I’m just on my way to SEXY! I really need to start a blog to get up support and advice and post my fav thinspo, I can’t wait! But I can’t get ahead of myself, I hafta figure out HOW first! J [Editor's note: LOL]

Now onto the fasting news! Today was so easy. I’m super-dehydrated, though, I think. The whole "peeing all the time" thing was NOT a joy…but I’m alrite! If that’s the price I have to pay, then so be it! FOR NOW ONLY though. It’ll be hard to bear, making GWB more important to reach with every passing day. The only reason I didn’t leave it for a later GW is because I don’t want to go to the doctor for anything besides routine after I lose too much of my fatness. HA not that Dr. R noticed last time I was in though, where I lost 10 lbs in a month! *sigh* Gotta love the fasting. Which brings me back around to now! It’ll be rough staying in and not eating, but I was thinking of doing a salt-water flush…hm. If I’m drinking Saturday night, not then, but I definitely don’t wanna do it while my roommate is home! SO embarrassing! So maybe Friday night, if that's not too early in the fast. I’ll have to watch how much of that liquid fat I take in…alcohol is a killer. Especially if I still want to be in church on Sunday. Oh, Ana, I can’t believe how much I missed you! With all your planning and strategizing and thinking and figuring and keeping track…you’re right up my alley! Now, if only my genes would cooperate!!

Alrite, off to start on my thinspo PowerPoint! I wanted to make one because then when I’m most in need of a little (or a lot!) of thinspiration, instead of sorting through everything out there, riddled as it is with nay-sayers and unhelpfulness, I just have a continuous stream of confidence run before me!! Wish me luck on the search!

Rememer the beauty in your bones! <3