Can't Believe It!

As soon as this post's posted, I will be promptly catching up on everyone's blogs! Need to stop being so lazy-ass about things I love doing anyway.

Here's the thing, girls: I'm not handling the stressors in my life as well as I should be able to right now. This in turn is causing me stress. So, my life has been revolving around those stresses; it's a nice break from revolving around food and calories, but I'd really rather take that. So even though everything is still pushing at me from all sides, emotionally I'm feeling much calmer. And so restarts the weight loss. :)

Weight has been completely stable (down about 3 pounds from Easter), which is ultra-surprising when I take into consideration my lack of running/any exercise besides walking this week, and also my calorie intake has been on the high end of the scale for some days now.

[I'm a terrible person...I'm feeling a bit bingey (idk why, I've been eating throughout the day!) so I looked up "fat people" on youtube. This one was incredibly mean and thinspiring all at once (and also proved my saying of "eating your face off"): http://youtu.be/AIU9EV5MasY ] [oh FUCKING FUCKSHIT. also found a site called "gainingbombshells.com". what kind of sick...?! i thought maybe it was anoretics trying to be healthy again or something...the one girl is currently 195, GW 200, UGW 350. WHAT THE EFFING EFF?! the two sister sites are pretty disgusting too. If you're ever feeling very self-hateful, I guess I'd recommend burning your soul with these sites. Never. Eating. Again.]

Wow, ok...I really am a horrible person. Thank God for objective justification, or I'd be going to hell in a handbasket right now. I just ran across the "we love you connie" video. Gross, but it made me so sad I wanted to cry. Oh man.

Alright, so I want to curl into the fetal position and die right now, so I'm'a keep the ball rolling.

8k tomorrow!!! Forgot my running shoes at home over Easter and didn't have time to buy new ones and break them in this week, so I'm going it in old painful shoes. Couple that with the fact that I haven't actually run any significant amount since last Thursday morning, and I'm expecting a very slow time :( Also I'm running with Dylan (who never runs, ever, and has not run more than a mile at a time in his life, silly boy! Although that was totally me like a month ago haha) so I'm sure there will be walking involved too.

Dyed my hair yesterday! Instead the once-fire-engine-red (it had faded to strawberry blonde), I am now a medium-to-darkish brown. It was supposed to be light golden brown but my hair's never been one to follow orders :-P

Oh, also Dylan's formal is tomorrow night, fml, but at least the race is in the morning so I probably will only need to eat a little afterwards, then nothing till the dinner so hopefully I won't get bloated or anything. Maybe I'll look ok...hopefully no/not too many pictures!!!

oookay...I felt like I had so much to write when I started this post, but between distracting myself and being a generally bad person I can't remember anything else. :/ And I've wasted so much time anyway, I need to catch up on your guys's post a bit and get ready for tomorrow morning. I'm freaked out!!! :D

Goodnight, everyone, and as promised, here's the long-awaited thinspo! It was so warm and sunny today, I think the theme will be cute shorts and pretty legs :) It's supposed to thunderstorm for the race tomorrow, so maybe this thinspo will uplift the weather's spirits!! :) 
[aandd aafterr tthiss, tthee ddelugee...]

I think I'll be like this girl to the right when I get lower-weighted, she's thin and pretty but her legs still touch in the middle. Damn genetics.

Bones are beautiful <3

Just an FYI

Howdy, all. Update:

Still alive, still fat. Best friend attempted suicide. Another good friend calls off her engagement and expects me to handle her freaking-out-ness. I've got this damn race and Dylan's frat formal on Saturday, both of which I'm much too chubby for. Oral exam in Swedish I'm not prepared for, as well as this grade-defining paper for psych that I'm not even sure what I'm writing on. On my monthly and sick as a dog from it, should probably consider going back on the pill but I don't want to gain weight from it. Not that it matters because I've gained weight from over Easter weekend and from Monday. Not a binge but still too much.

Plus side: choir concert last night went swimmingly. Bought a new little black dress for it, it shows off my stomach and hips too much but amazingly enough, I look okay in it. Maybe that's the dress I'll wear to the formal?

My head hurts and I feel pukey so this is all I've got. Just so everyone knows, I'm not really looking for pity points here or anything, I'm just still alive is all. And maybe these are all my excuses. Excuse after excuse for my Fatty McCowfullness. Too many excuses. They'll stop. Promise. Just need to get a handle on life at the moment. I expect posts to be randomly scattered, with a slight chance of thinpo later this week, temperatures in the low 120's. Or something. No weight till Thursday.

New followers...helloo...Really, if you look back a ways, my posts are better than this and there's usually thinspo. Don't worry, those posts will return, at the most 2 weeks! (I'm finished with being a college frosh in exactly 2 weeks from today :) Unless you dread those posts, then, you know...just uh, enjoy the here and now I guess.

Ack bedtime was 2.5 hours ago, but I suppose 10.30pm will do okay... 'night everyone. Be quirky.
Bones are beautiful <3

oh yeah, ran across this today. thought I'd share, if anyone's interested --
"6 of Your Favorite Things Making You Fat" from Cracked.com (my fave procrastination site):
http://www.cracked.com/article_16708_6-your-favorite-things-that-are-secretly-making-you-fat.html

Good (?) Friday

Hi everyone! Hope everyone's having a fun holy week so far, haha. Home for Easter weekend, Easter lunch tomorrow. My fam is definitely a eat-your-face-off fam, so I'll have a hard time, but I'll make do. The whole "vegetarian" thing will help immensely. :)

[Quick side note on being veg: Today Dylan was like "Yeah, you can eat meat soon!" Yeah...I told him I wanted to wait till at least after the race. I can see he's starting to panic a little bit...]

Today's count:
applesauce: 50
starbucks' frappuccino: 300 (ahh wtf?! damn you starbucks!!!)
Uno's rice: 150
1/2 Uno's wrap: 210

total: 710

Ooookay...not too bad, esp with eating out, but that goddamn starbucks really threw me off. Shittos.

Waking up early tomorrow to go work out with my mom. Not sure how much of a workout it's gonna be, but I'll push my ass as far as it goes, because I know I'll have to make up for Easter lunch...

Alright hope everyone's life is going super awesome. Thanks to those who are still commenting, and not giving up on this wreck! Things are looking up though!

Oh, speaking of which, 4 pound loss today. :) I know some of that is food weight (my digestive system is running surprisingly smoothly atm!) but I'll take it because I know some of that is fat too. :)

No thinspo (wow, when was the last time I posted thinspo? Too long!!!) because I'm on my mom's home computer. Good luck everyone with Easter dinners and lunches and candies and jelly beans and chocolates and all that CRAP that people will want you to eat this weekend! STAND STRONG AGAINST SHIT!!!

I love you all!!
Bones are beautiful <3

I've Jaded Myself

Healthy eatin': it ain't fer me.

I tried, girls. I tried I tried I tried.

The binging...it was happening way too often. Some kind of disconnect. Something wasn't right. Wanted to get back to "normal". I would've taken normal weight; better than normal weight with binge-food weight guilting me into submission.

I couldn't hack it. Eating normal led to binging. Or, at least, really high cals. Couldn't handle it. I want restriction back. So I'm taking it.

My plan for today, hastily texted to lovely miss Olivia Lee at 1am yesterday (this morning?) - if it's in writing and someone knows it, I'm more likely to stick to it - was to run at least 50 mins, if a break was needed then it was in the weight room. Liquid fast, the leftover lettuce and celery in my fridge if NEEDed.

How'd I do? Well, ran 63 mins straight, then backed it up with about 10-15 mins in the weight room. Piece of Swedish candy (16), and unfortuneately, a non-pareil (sp?) (19) in my honors seminar. Met an old friend at Starbucks (140). Then I got roped into going to B-Dubs, a 250 Boca plus a few fries :(

So, 425 plus fries total. Very nearly burned all that at the gym, so hopefully a nice loss tomorrow...

Hello new followers! I swear everyone, I will be a better blogger again very very soon. Rough patches make for rough blogging. To everyone I follow, I'll be catching up soon and starting to comment again. Gosh I'm sorry I've been so lousy lately.

Things will be looking up. Promise.

Love and hugs and kisses and skinnies and sweet dreams and pretties to you all!! :)
Bones are beautiful <3

Lazy Sundays

Hey everyone. It's been a couple days since I last posted, so even though I don't really feel like it and I also don't really feel like I have much to say, I'll jot something down to keep y'all updated.

So, last Wednesday before the stress got to me, I was down to 122.4. Did some weighing in during/after the binge, was high high high. Yesterday weighed in again, down to 124.8 from what I had been up to. Today, I was 124.2. Meh.

Friday I was actually super-sick and pukey, leftovers from the binge I'm positive, but I forced myself to eat. And also to run for around 35 minutes. Coming off a binge I always say that I'm going to "ease back in, start high then gradually lower it". But then I always end up super-restricting right away, because it's super-easy when you've still got that food in you. So, I'm actually going to ease in this time. I think Friday I forced myself up to around 520ish, not very high, but I couldn't force anymore down. Yesterday I think I was around 600. (I'm purposely not keeping great track. Told myself I wasn't going to count at all for a few days, buuut...you know.)

I'm at about 510 right now. I'm going to run my ass off then come back and eat my last vegan Boca burger in a leaf of romaine with mustard, 70 cals but shittons of protein, which I guess is good.

Yesterday I ate the pot brownie. Also smoked a tiny bit. Was the super-effingest-high I've ever been, which I guess doesn't say much because it takes alot for me to even start feeling affected.

Also bought my new running shoes today, they'll be great for my flat arches and sad ankles. Also, they're black and pink, which I swear is the hottest shoe-color combo in my mind right now and I've been meaning to get a pair like that since forever. Need to break them in before I can run in them though! Or, do you break them in by just running in them? I was just planning to wear them around at home, but if someone has a better suggestion for me I'll def take it.

That's all I got. Enjoy some beauty, on the house. :)

Ahhhkay, I've decided to be lazy and only post 1 pic. I'm friends with one of the girls on Facebook, but they're both so pretty. I want ribs like that.

Because bones are beautiful <3

My Silent Undoing...

Well, I don't know why I feel like I deserve to post, but I will. At least I'm not feeling too badly right now. I'll try to keep this post to the short like the last few, but I have some things to say. Yes, I guess it's personal diary time again.

What does binging mean to me? I thought it meant just the usual: the horrid inner backup, the extreme guilt, the gain, the renewed determination. But I do believe that it means something more.When I binge, I feel like an animal: uncontrollable, shoveling in, disgusting, something that should be in a cage. Then, in the aftermath of being unable to stop, I feel like, fuck it, I'm already beyond countable calories, I want this food, I want this taste, and what better time than when I'm already fucked? So it becomes a right for me, something I deserve, almost like a reward.

Unacceptable. But now that I know I'm thinking like that, I can stop it. And I will. I must, or give in to my genetics and those primal, animal urges. And THAT is not an option.

I look at pix of me when I was nearing my low weight (I have none from when I was actually there.) At that time, I was eating 160 calories per day, working 8-10 hours, and working out about 2.5 hours per day, with no problem. It was no sweat, no worries. So much easier, and I don't understand why. I can't wait to get back to that frame of mind.

Life was sweet and easy and skinny. It will be again, no worries. I got it.

So, this week's plan is out the window, but my friends know I'm "sick", so they won't think anything of it if I happen to miss an event or two [for a several-hour workout] or if my stomach can't handle a few meals [because I won't let it].

Throwing away food this morning WAS therapeutic. And very scathing and cathartic. Threw away the noodle bowls minus the soup ones, because they're *fairly* lo-cal. Threw away all cheese and bread and pizza.(Yeah...I still had pizza...it was good for when friends came over, but I'd end up binging on it just as much as entertaining with it). Then I started to go off today and went for the soupy noodle bowl.

That's when I realized it wasn't about the cals at all; it was about the control, the emotions associated with it. Out went the noodle soups. Every item I have now is either liquid, fruit/veggie, or...canned wild rice? Hm...

I think my roommate saw my food all in the kitchen garbage; she didn't say anything though. She probably just thought I was even more of a fucktard than she already did. Oh well! I wish I could run right now, but 1. I thought it would probably be unwise to run with all this food in me, and 2. I wouldn't want to show up at the gym with my belly distended like this (tomorrow after the laxies it'll be better). And 3. the gym closes in 4 minutes.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement from Domino, Thin_Thrills, Vasilikie, and a kindly anonymous. I don't deserve the credit you all give me; I'd completely understand if y'all took a paddle of tough love and battered me over the head with it. Zane - I didn't really intend for it to be a flush, though it did keep me "on the move" today...I had just heard from a few people that if you gulp lots of warm super-salty water it would make you puke, so that's what I was going for. The best laid plans of mice and men...psh. Oh - anonymous commenter, if you're reading this: I'm doing a post about God and my faith soon; people wonder how I can reconcile faith and ED. If I hadn't screwed up it would've been this post. I won't mind if there's anybody who doesn't want to read that post for whatever reason.

Ok enough sob story!! Happy things for today: my psych prof personally sought me out to tell me that my lecture/presentation was great and engaging!! Evil icky food is gone!! Okay!! ...That's really all I got. In the 50/50 range is the fact that for either tomorrow night or Saturday night, I have a pot brownie. About 200 for the brownie but it will be all I eat that day. And it's a freakin' pot brownie, pretty much one of the only remaining ways I haven't experienced weed yet. Hope it's fun!

Alright, I know this is crazy, buuut...I should *probably* go study for that Swedish exam tomorrow...and also probably write that Swedish essay that's due tomorrow...hm. I wish I could be as prolific a Swedish essay writer as I am a blog-post writer.

Wish me luck kicking some Swedish essay/exam and calorie ASS tomorrow!! When shit hits the fan, ya gotta scrub up!

No thinspo sorry :(
Next time!!
Bones are beautiful <3

Fuck the Weary, No Rest For Them

Hi.

I think I just posted a little while ago. Sorry if I did. Psych lecture drove me to binging. It's not done yet either. Lecturing tomorrow. Fuck.

Tried to purge. Failed of course, haven't been able to vomit on purpose for a couple years. What the hell. Tried drinking tons of warm salt water. Made me feel shit, but no puking. Just major dehydration and a waste of time that could've been spent on this goddamn lecture.

Fuck everything, I'll just get up early. Maybe skip Swedish. No weigh-in tomorrow. Wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a gain plus the psych lecture. What was I thinking, that I was smart, that I was special, taking this fucking extra psych seminar as a freshman when everyone else clearly had a much greater background in the major. Fuck me. Fuck my life.

Okay I'm done, not a personal diary, remember, sorry. Also sorry for the language.

Bones are beautiful <3

p.s. Keeping to my rule about throwing away food if I binge - tomorrow. Not tonight. It will be therapeutic to wake up early and trash my pantry. My roommate will wonder what the hell is going on, haha. But guess what, only healthies left for me, finally doing what I should've done long ago, getting rid of those fucking Asian noodle bowls. They're the death of me.

Fuck, I always say "ok I'm done now!" and then I keep blabbering my face off, on and on. But I'm really really done for real after this paragraph, hope this wasn't too long, hope you all enjoy the new shorter post format, hope you all can forgive me for the last 2 hours or so. Hope the scales can too. Can't ever forgive myself though. But good night y'all, have a cheery bright sunshiney morning.

Bones are beautiful <3

Dona Nobis Pacem

Grant us peace...

First, thanks everyone for the kale tips! I've had kale chips before, but I've never made them myself, so thanks for the instructions Zane!

Lost 1.1 pounds today, so I'm down to:

122.4

I guess 1.1 pounds is okay...

Today's intake:

Activia: 70 (not on my plan, but it was rancid and made me sick so I'm punished for it at least)

some red bell pepper slices: 15 (high estimate)

total kale: 30 (high estimate)

total romaine: 20

total fat-free Western salad dressing: 75 (how distressing!)

total so far: 210

Not bad, right? But I did end up going to Vespers dinner, and it's so extremely strange that this happens this way sometimes, but...dinner made me hungrier, so I made a grilled cheese when I got home. :(

2 slices bread: 70

slice cheese: 60

total so far: 340

Okay, so broke the raw foods/liquids thing majorly, but still under the cals for today, right? Um, hold that thought, because (as you probably noticed) I haven't added in Vespers dinner yet...

3/4 baked potato: 150 (high estimate, but still already over...)

(most of) 2 double-stuff oreos: 65

lots of pickles: 0 (thank goodness!!)

6 baby carrots: 35

a couple grapes: 10 (high estimate)

current. effing. total: 600

...Oh. I thought it would be worse. But that's still HORRIBLE, especially considering 2 things: my goal (above), and my exercise (below).

Was supposed to run 2 miles, but was sick (from the yogurt) so I only ran 1.65. Shittos. I would add on some extra to my other days, but...my running shoes are so worn out that I can't use them anymore. I've been making my feet, ankles, and knees suck it up, but I can't anymore, these shoes are finished. And with no way to buy new ones until this weekend, that means no running Thursday...Friday...Saturday...and potentially even Sunday. No way to make up for what I missed today, no way to make up for my extra cals.

Double shittos. But I'll do what I can...I can't afford any extra punishment tomorrow, but it looks like I'm staying here this weekend, so def then. Sticking to the plan till then though!

Good night all. No thinspo because I need to work on this psych lecture I have to give tomorrow morning and it's driving me nuts and I've barely made a dent in what I have to do before then! Gahhhhhh!!!

Be stronger and thinner and more beautiful and more self-controlling and all-in-all just more wonderful than I've been today. :(

Bones are beautiful <3

Shawtie Post

Hey everyone. I know the length of my posts recently has been getting out of hand; I've been treating this blog like my personal diary. That's no good, so mostly just the facts now, and I'll do my best to keep everything else brief.

Yesterday's intake: ended up going 25 cals over with my planned foods, so added on the extra 1/2 mile running today. At my committee meeting last night, it was milk and cookies night, and though I could've gotten away without, I felt pressured to have a cookie so I did. Just gave in. :(

Today's weight: down 3.3 lbs to 123.5. Excellent. :)

Ran the 2.5 miles but my legs KILL right now. I may end up skipping tomorrow's run to 1. recover and 2. work on/finish Thursday's lecture presentation (which is stressing me the hell out right now!). But if I do end up doing that, then I'll add on 1/2 mile to every other run through Sunday to make up for it.

Today's intake:

yogurt: 70
apple: 80
applesauce: 50
potato soup: 150

total: 350. Perfect. :)

Went to the market this morning, bought kale and romaine, celery, Pink Lady apples, and unsweetened applesauce. Looking forward to tomorrow's raw foods! I hope kale + romaine is delicious, I've never tried it before! Kale has lots of flavor, so I shouldn't need to add much (if any) dressing. And I'm glad to have celery back in my fridge, I was missing it. :) As long as I don't go to Vespers dinner tomorrow and take it easy on the apples, should be easy-peasy to keep it under 400.

That's all I got, hopefully it's not too long! I'm really sick of wearing pants; it's getting nicer and nicer out, and you know what that means - gotta slim up to look good in those dresses and skirts! So here's some thinspiration for that:

The above 2 pix are a couple of my faves. I don't know why the 2nd to last one is, it just kind of strikes me somehow. And the last pic - fatties don't look cute or endearing with no pants on.

So, the moral of the story is:
Bones are beautiful <3

Stability

So, I'm glad I didn't gain *tootoo* much from this weekend's forced eating. But I was so down on Friday! Was the stability worth it? Hm.

Hello new follower Aye Ell! Maybe I'm just ignorant, but is there some connection between EDs and the name El or Ell or Ellie? Like Ana/Mia but for something else? Maybe it's just a really pretty name people like.

Posting on the April Challenge board will suck. But not too much, because that means for next week there will be a super loss, right?! This morning, I am:

126.8 (0.5 lbs up from last Monday. sad face.)

I ran 5 miles without stopping this morning. Longest I've ever run without stopping (or, probably ever in general). So I'm super happy about that. Intake is great today:

2 apples: 160
1 cigarette
...oh wait, that's it. :)

And super-high energy, must be from my morning run. Or restarting my Avesil and Slimquick intake. I've never taken both at once before because I didn't want to waste them (expensive...!) but oh well, need it this week to get off this gosh darn plateau.

SO. I have a PLAN for this week and I'm going to STICK TO IT and it will be AWESOME. (It's always easiest to stick to plans and do well right after abnormally high intakes. But I swear to God this will last!) I'll leave out the boring academic parts and stuff. But they're on my list here, which I took the liberty of printing out even. Can't break the rules if it cost paper and ink and it's set in stone like that, right? Right-os.

*[I totally understand if you want to skip this next part, might bore you...so if you want, you can skip to the next set of brackets]*

Monday (today!): Run 5 miles in the morning (done), run 2 miles after choir (soon's I'm done here), raw foods and liquids (loose rules) only, less than 500 cals for the day.

Tuesday: Run 2 miles before classes, liquid fast (loose rules), less than 350 cals for the day, 1 fruit allowed (I have an exam)

Wednesday: Run 2 miles before classes, raw foods and liquids (medium strict rules) only, less than 400 cals for the day

Thursday: Workout and run at least 2 miles after psych, less than 500 cals for the day (major psych presentation, will need brain food!)

Then I have diff rules for Friday-Sunday depending on whether I go home this weekend or not. (I really hope to goodness that I'm not boring you with all this! But it does help me too, because then it's even more set in stone and I'll have to face you-all and fess up if I fail). Here's if I stay here:

Friday: Workout and run at least 2 miles after choir, liquid fast (medium-high strict rules), less than 300 cals for the day

Saturday: Workout and run at least 2 miles, water/tea fast, less than 100 cals for the day

Sunday: liquid fast (medium strict rules), workout and run at least 4 miles, less than 350 cals for the day

Aaaaand, here's if I go home:

Friday: Fit in workout and 3-mile run wherever possible, water/tea fast during the day with less than 100 cals while here,  raw foods and liquids (loose-medium strict rules) once home

Saturday: do abso best to go to home gym for as long as humanly possible, abso lowest cal count possible, if weather is nice go biking

Sunday: abso lowest cal count possible at home, zero-cal water/tea fast once back at school, workout and run at least 5 miles

*[Okay here's the second set. Congrats if you made it this far! lol]*

Last but def not least, The Unbreakable Over-Arching Rules of This Week:
1. If I go over in cals (by 15+), I run an extra 1/2 mile in the next possible run.
2. Alcohol in moderation (3 "drink" max) on Thurs/Fri but not both.
3. No mixing weed and alcohol, but may do both on separate nights. Watch for muncies!!
4. May need to go shopping - buy food for this week only!
5. Start taking Slimquick and Avesil again.
6. At least 1 cup caffeinated coffee per day, and at least 50 oz of water or decaf/no-cal drinks.
***7. Food is the enemy; destroy it, not yourself! Every time I start binging, food gets thrown away, starting witht the noodle bowls! Cheese is next! Followed by anything else not on this week's menu!!

Alright, I should be done now. If any of you guys have any concerns about "hey, there's this loophole you might slip through and fuck up, fix it!" or "hey you missed something in your plan here" or any other comments or questions or anything at all, please leave a comment or email me or something alright?

I'm sooo sorry for the long posts recently and also that they lack the reward of lots of thinspo! I need to start getting my thinspo off my comp and onto a USB or something, I have so much it's slowing this machine down! But here's a few:

Found this yesterday on Facebook - my friend is actually the bigger girl here. It kind of sucks to see her so big. But I'm gonna be tinyyyyyy like the other girl here next time we meet!

Stay skinny and strong and most importantly, HAPPY <3
Bones are beautiful <3

~EDIT~
So maybe I should say what my various levels of liquid-fasting mean?

Loose rules = applesauce, yogurt, soup with chunks, smoothies, caloried/flavored water, caloried coffee drinks, etc count
Loose-Medium Strict rules = everything above but chunky soup (other soup ok tho) and smoothies
Medium Strict rules = everything directly above but applesauce and yogurt
Medium-High Strict rules = everything directly above but soup
...and of course anything above that is just the water/tea/no-cal drinks liquid fast

RIDICULOUSly Long Weekend Post

Okay, happiness first!

Hello to my 3 newest followers: matrunner, Little Jo, and Amelia! matrunner and Amelia (and indeed, anybody I've missed - supersorry!!!), if you have blogs that you'd like me to follow, I'd love to, only I can't see them! So just comment or email or something. :)

Thanks for all the well-wishes on my last post, I have to say they really made my day when I got back home and read them! (And, as you'll soon see, I reeeally really needed it...)

And I don't do this often enough, but:
Vasilikie: LOL that is the greatest tip ever! haha And it's one of those great ones that once you use it, you don't have to worry about accidentally reusing it, it's always good. :)
Thin_Envy: Thanks, I might consider using that - is there diff kinds or just one? Have you ever tried Slimquick? And, I'm somewhere between 5'3" and 5'4", I usually just say 5'3" because then my BMI is higher and the "suggested cals per day" is lower. I think I'm actually closer to 5'4" tho...?

And, down to business.

Friday evening:
Went out with the boy, I did so well! Maybe 3/4 cup steamed brocco at most, and 1/2 the burger, to bring a total of about 420 (minus all that running!) for the day. Afterwards we went and smoked SO. MANY. JOINTS. It was ridiculous. We shared one on the way to his dorm, then shared another...2 I think with 3 of his friends. But they were drunk so Dylan, me, and the other girl there shared most of it. I don't get very high or very easily, which sounds nice but I still get the munchies. And I get super-tired after. But don't worry I didn't eat anything, we just walked all over the damned place (more cals burned whoop!)

Dylan did stay the night over, which was nice (didn't break the ban! No worries!!) because then we didn't even leave my place till after lunchtime-ish. We went to eat then and I went to class and etc etc, had to run to get to the leaving place on time for the thing this weekend (whoaa, suddenly just lost all interest in finishing this train of thought, wtf?). Anyway, before that, my total was at most 400-420. I could tell that Friday was a definite loss day. You know the days when you feel so super slim and you weigh in and lose like 3-4 lbs? Yeah, that was Friday.

Then we left and the shit started goin' down.

[CAUTION: VENT]
At every turn, it was like, okay, we've been sitting here for like 2 hours, time for another full meal! And it was always, hey, anybody up for an ice cream bar? Here, have a chocolate! Are you sure that's enough? And the meals, good god, just awful. I'd sit down with, you know, an already ridiculous amount of just fruits and veggies, and they'd shove rolls on my plate and say, grr, just all those things they say, you know? Sorry for saying "you know" so much. It's just...ugh. You know. And the chef was offended that I wasn't eating more and the other girls kind of freaked out that I wasn't eating as much as them and made a big deal out of it and our group leader took me aside and talked to me (HOW humiliating!) and everyone was asking if I was ok and didn't I like it? Wasn't I having fun? What's wrong what's wrong what's wrong?

AHHH.

So I ate.

AHHH.

I tried to keep track as best I could. I think I was around 1000 for Friday...not even going to venture a guess for Saturday or today. Not eating anything else today, that's for damn sure. I'm so scared for the weekly April Challenge weigh-in tomorrow, I know that I've gained. I'll be the only one to gain, I know it, and I'll have gained like another 4 pounds and everyone will see and be like, wow, why is she in this challenge, what a fuck-up. I know that no one will actually say that, obvz. But someone will be thinking it. I know I will. I'll die of embarrassment. Do I have to post if I've gained? Can I just say, "I've gained, I'm shit, next week," and be done with it?

So I promised myself and Olivia Lee that I'd run 5 miles today to make up for it. (Won't make up for it.)(But I'll try anyway.) Also I took some laxies so maybe that will help get it out of my system, as I haven't had much luck, um, moving it along so far, so it's mostly all still in there. So I'm just studying (as you can see, ha) and waiting for my laundry to be finito then I'm heading out, thunderstorm or not.

So, that was my weekend in a nutshell. Nutshell-ish. A single post at least. I wonder how big of a nutshell people mean when they say that? Is it bigger than an acorn cap, or would an acorn cap be more appropriate in this case? Okay now I'm just being ridiculous, and I'm pretty sure that's the 3rd time I've used that adjective in this post. That's my cue to stfu.

Oh! Okay 1 more thing, This weekend while we were supposed to be having an independent Bible study, I accidentally ran across a few good foody-starving-hunger-type verses, I'll post them. Mostly for me, because I don't know which of you lovelies (if any) are Christian or religious or anything. But maybe you can still use them anyways?

Ok I'm done I'm done I'm done! Post title...hmm...oh, I've GOT it. :D

Sorry no thinspo today girls, I have to ACTUALLY study for my exam this week. (If possible, please fly out and shoot me first. I'll pay for your plane ticket.)

Loves and skinnies and beauties and happies to you all!!
Bones are beautiful <3

Fie, Fi, Fo, Fum...Ho-Hum

I'll get it out of the way: I weighed in a bit higher this morning. Not too much though, which is interesting to say the least, considering my rice cake slip-up last night. Today's weight was:

124.6

which is a gain of 0.2 pounds. After I got back from my run I tried again and was 124.5. Not surprising, because although I probably lost a lot in sweat, I drank a lot afterwards as well.

Went for another run after my exam. Was supposed to work out with my Tuesday workout buddy, but surprise surprise, she didn't come AGAIN. So I just ran an extra 1/2 mile after I found out she wasn't coming.

Dinner with my boy Dylan tonight, but I'm not too worried. This is my intake for my liquidy fast day:

Activia: 70
Activia: 70
apple: 80 (I had to have something before my exam for brainpower, which explains the other yogurt too)
applesauce: 50

total: 270

and I know I burned at LEAST that running today, so my cal balance today will pretty much be what I eat at dinn. We're going to Quaker Steak 'n Lube (that boy is SUCH a meat-eater...!) and I know that their veggie burger is pretty good. Can't find the facts on it, but at BDubs, the Boca is 250 total. The one at Quaker is made with like, sunflower seeds or something, so I'm guessing a bit higher, like 300 maybe? Probably won't be able to eat it all (it's huge), but even if I do, I'm ok with that.

Also, I smoked 1/2 a cig after my run this morning and a full one this afternoon. (lol I'm still so new at it, you'll probably get lots of updates on that front haha). Abso lost my hunger, just like that. And I'm getting better at it, only coughed like 1x, maybe 2 on that last one. Bueno, yeah? I guess it depends on which way you look at it! But really, I'm only using them so I don't stuff my face.

Oh, new love: Arizona tea, the no-carb green tea with ginsing. My previous fave was the green tea with honey and ginsing, which was 70 cals/serving (210 for the can!). But I happened upon this one today, and it's zeeeeerooooo cals! I've had two today. :)

So, question for you all: what do you guys do for bloating? Or to prevent it? Coz I always end up getting horribly bloated after eating out with Dylan, and what could be less sexy than that? (Not that there will be any sexiness going on tonight, not down to ban-lift weight yet.) I mean, yeah, there's Gas-X, but (haha call me immature) it's kind of embarrassing to take...hmm I don't know, I'll take one beforehand just in case and be sure to drink lots and lots while I eat, which is of course a good idea anyway.

Alright, better go spruce up for the boy...Not in the mood for applying make-up buuuuuut, probably should. :)

So, everybody have fun tonight (or, tomorrow, or something, for you crazy people in other time zones!) and love yourselves and drink lots of water and put on a diff smell than usual and sing loudly and just be effing amazing ok? Coz tomorrow, tomorrow's the day! :)

Bones are beautiful <3

Since I'm so obsessed with smoking right now...enjoy :)

Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire

...need to start raining down on my head. Now.

You girls are all so wonderful! You leave the nicest comments and make me believe that one day I'll be beautiful.

So it breaks my heart to let you all down.

First with the whole "breaking the raw foods fast to have something for studying". Now, it's turned into "I just ate a whole shit-ton of rice cakes because of the study munchies". No joke, I'm pretty sure it may have actually come close the the scientific shit-ton unit of measurement.

And because I'm studying, I didn't work out today.

And because of that, I'm running twice tomorrow.

Took the laxies about an hour ago, so they may kill me on the run, but that's a pain this fat pig will need to deal with. Getting my studying finished tonight so I can get up early and run before class, then will run/workout after class. Laundry can wait, packing can wait.

Food is the enemy.
It destroys relationships, studying, beauty, thin, love, emotions, control.
It won today.
But not tomorrow. Oh hell no.
Tomorrow is liquid fast and workout and "I don't care how much you like meat, Dylan, when we go out tonight I'm only having fruits and veggies!"

Because I need to be 114 by April's end.
Because I need to fight my genetics.
Because no one REALLY thinks fat people are pretty.
Because I need to look like this:

Sorry again, girls.

Stay stronger than I.

Bones are beautiful. <3

I Had the Munchies, So My Eyes Ate Some Thinspo

~~Writing this post as I eat my apple and work up the courage to go to the gym. ~~

Now, you may be all, "Like, whoa! An apple for a liquid fast?! Needs courage for the gym?! DOUBLE WAVEY THINGS?!?!"

Have no fear, darling, it shall all be addressed in this post. Except the wavey things, we must accept them as they are. :)

We'll start with some soul-crushing news, and get it out of the way: Remember how I ran 3 miles on Monday and 2.5 yesterday? (Did I post that yet? Well, ran 2.5 yesterday.) Turns out, the track at my gym isn't 1/8 mile, but 1/10 mile. (Who designs a 1/10 mile track?!) So, my totals actually are 2.4 miles and 2 miles. Still ahead of my 1.5-mile-a-day goal, buuuut....still. So that's what waiting for me at the gym.

Assuming I ever get there, because my muscles are some kinda sore today!! It was rough even walking around campus today. Must not've stretched well enough yesterday, or something...so my dilemma is, go today anyway and risk not making the goal plus potentially causing more pain that would for sure put me off the track for awhile, or be lazy-ish today (it WOULD give me more [desperately needed] study time for my psych exam tomorrow...) and not make any progress at all? I keep going back and forth; what do you girls think?

So, yesterday's liquid fast went swimmingly until 1am this morning, when I had an apple. I was sooo hungry, I don't know why I just didn't go to bed. Oh, quick sidenote: was so hungry because Dylan and I shared a joint last night. First joint! (So many 1st's recently, so many of them involving weed...) Anyway, he (thankfully) left and I was alone and basking in thinspo and I was hungry. And it was after midnight so technically it was today already, so I figured it was ok. The liquid fast made it for about 30 hours anyway.

And today I'm raw foodin' it with Ellie over at The Empty Plate Brigade. She had a great idea: instead of setting a time that you fast for, she set a weight! So, my plan is to go every other day on liquid fasts and raw food fasts until I get back down to 121.9 and my self-imposed Dylan and alcohol ban lifts.

Even more super-important than weigh-in and cal counts, I want to say hi to my new followers!! Gosh there's so many of you...If you have a blog and I'm not following it, just leave a comment or email me or something!

Okay, NOW weigh-in and cal counts. Was afraid to step on the scale after yesterday's gain, but when I did I turned out to be:

124.2

which is a loss of 2.5 pounds!

Only 2.3 more till the fast ends. :)

Today on my raw foods fast I've had:

Apple: 80
Activia: 70 (ok ok not a raw food, but def beneficial and also they're expiring soon. And it had fruit.)
Banana: 105
Apple: 80 (Last Fuji, now I can have my Pink Ladies!!! <3 )

Total: 335

I'm not gonna be (too) upset if my count today gets up there, coz it's (nearly) all raw fruit. May have a bit of red bell pepper for dinn. Possibly after workout, or possibly while studying, depending...I don't know, not that much time to workout anyway, choir practice at 7.30 and Vespers right after...maybe I can squeeze it in after Vespers before the gym closes? Grrr I don't know! I really need to study too!

Long enough post already! Goodness me I have no clue how they get this long, it's like the paragraphs procreate while I'm looking away...

Stay skinny, girls, bones are beautiful <3

Terror in the Night

I had a nightmare last night, hence the reason for the title. That actually has nothing to do with anything but I thought it would be exciting to have a post named that.
...
Mmm, kind of. :)

Bad news - I am UP 0.4 lbs today to

126.7.

Still haven't decided if it's due to the fact that I'm building muscle but haven't yet lost the fat (coz of my high intakes recently), or ...just coz of my high intakes recently. Either way, blehhhh. :(

Made an emergency decision this morning to liquid fast today, loose-ish rules coz I'm coming off such high intakes. May decide to continue it thru tomorrow, we'll see! Intake so far today:

Activia yogurt: 70
Greek yogurt: 120 (it's been in my freezer forever, if I buy more they'll be the lower-cal ones)
tomato soup: 87

Plan is to workout as soon as my Tuesday workout buddy gets back to me...if she doesn't in 16 mins, I'm just leaving. She doesn't want to run much anyways, which brings me to my new long-termish-type goal:

From Monday-Monday, I need to be averaging a 1.5-mile run everyday. Yesterday I ran 3, so I'm still ahead of the game as long as I run at all today, but who knows if there'll be a day I won't be able to? (There will be 1-2 like that this weekend; I have an out-of-town church conference thing, so not on Saturday and not on Friday unless I get up mega-early...ugh...So, this week's mile count might be a bit low).

Dylan and I are hanging out tonight, which makes me a bit nervous for the whole "no-nakedness" motivation I've got going on. To make it worse, right now, I'm potentially very close to the highest I've been since we started dating. Does not make for a comfortable mix.

Okay well, I texted my workout buddy nearly 20 mins ago, she's got less than 10 before I leave. Oh, just you know I'm not being a complete bee-atch about waiting: Dylan and I are hanging at 9, and the gym is at least a 30-min round-trip walk, and I would really reeeeally like to shower before seeing him, so that kind of puts me on a tighter schedule than her. Also, I was supposed to get some studying done after the workout, but the workout wasn't even supposed to be this late in the first place, so we'll see if that gets done...

Oh well, that'll give me an excuse to not spend the night with the boy, I guess. Silver linings, girls, silver linings. :)

Hey, that would've made a great title.

K well, looks like I'm leaving for the gym on my own! That's ok tho, I think I might actually feel a bit more comfortable that way and I can go at my own pace. More silver linings!!

Haha ok really leaving now, love you all!
Bones are beautiful <3

~EDIT~
So my friend never came to the gym :( But that's ok, I ran more than she would have if she were there! I just don't like doing my arms in the weight room by myself, probably coz it's my least fave. Running and lower half are good alone tho. :)

Some of you might condemn me for this, but I decided to get some cigs just in case I have the munchies. When I went to Dylan's that one weekend, I took a few puffs from his friend's cig and it immediately quished my drunk munchies. So, since I usually wanna binge after working out (actually, after the walking home; there exists an entire subculture of food between the gym and my apartment) I smoked 1/2 a one when I got home. I still had another tomato soup (+87 for a total of 364), but I'm not hungry at all and I'm not tempted to binge at all either! Don't worry though, I'll mostly only be using them for food emergencies kay?

Alrite, I stink like gym and smokes, so a shower's a must before I meet up with Dylan! Eek! :)

4.4

That's how much I gained from last week's slip-up.

I weigh 126.3.

I must be back down 4.4 pounds to 121.9 before the "abstinance rule" (see post from April 3, "Flash Judgement") no longer applies. (Actually I wrote that post before going to bed the night before, so technically it's not from yesterday, exactly. Just so you know.) (I don't know why that bugged me.)

Thanks to *Harley at *fluttering hearts, I'm now involved in another, more competitive goal. If y'all are feeling up to the challenge, I super-suggest you try this! Skinny_el at PrettyProSlim has put on an April challenge and everyone's invited. I'm doing it. :)

Something I though was ultra-interesting on her site was the colors for bracelets. I'm going to post those (c&p from her site), along with the medical definitions of the ED's (straight from the nutritional textbook), just because I like to be thorough.

Red: Anorexia
Purple: Bulimia
Pink: EDnos (Eating Disorder not otherwise specified)
Blue: Depression
Orange/Black: SI (self injurer)
Green: Fasting at that time
Yellow: Suicidal
Turquoise: Overweight/Obese
Teal: Anxiety disorder/OCD/Panic disorder

if you add 1 white bead to a bracelet is means you are TRYING to recover from that illness.
if you have half white and half the illness color in the bracelet it means you’re IN recovery.

ANOREXIA NERVOSA: Weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85% of that expected; loss of 25% of previous body weight; amenorrhea in post-menarchal females (loss of periods before menopause). [Ed.: It should be noted that 1, all these criteria must be met for an official diagnosis, and 2, there are 2 types of Ana, both restricting type and purging type. <--Different than Mia!]

Quick side definition of BINGING, medically speaking: 1, eating an abnormally large amount (larger than any normal person would eat) in 2, a discrete period of time (usually defined as about 2 hours); and 3, having a sense of lack of control during the episode. [Ed.: All criteria must be met.]

BULIMIA NERVOSA: Recurrent episodes of binge eating followed by inappropriate compensatory behaviors [meaning purging, laxies, fasting, mega exercise], which occur on average, at least 2x per week for 3 months. [Can be either purging or non-purging type!]

Oooookay, now I just feel like I'm giving you-all a boring lecture, but I'm still throwing in EDnos in there for good measure, because that is what many of us here (including myself) actually are:

EATING DISORDER NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED: [Can you imagine actually being diagnosed with a disorder named that?] Includes disorders of eating that do not meet the criteria for any specific eating disorder.
1. For females, all of the criteria for Ana are met except that the individual has regular menses [periods].
2. All the criteria are met for Ana except that, despite significant weight loss, the individual's current weight is in the normal range [i.e., if they started off overweight, or just haven't quite reached underweight just yet].
3. All of the criteria for Mia are met except that the binge eating and inappropriate compensatory mechanisms occur at a frequency of less than 2x per week or for duration of less than 3 months.
4. The regular use of inappropriate compensatory measures by an individual of normal body weight after eating small amounts of food.
5. Repeatedly chewing and spitting out, but not swallowing, large amounts of food.

Actually, according to these guidelines, I'm more Mia than EDnos...hm...oh well, people swing back and forth on the spectrum all the time. And of course, when I reach my UGW, I would be diagnosed as Ana (I lost my period around 114 or so last time) even though I was hardly thin when I was near it at my LW. So figure that one out, medical society.

Okay sorry for that randomness, I get so wrapped up in this stuff! My point was, I want to make a bracelet. And actually, now I don't know what color to make it! I've been Mia and EDnos, and I was almost Ana at one point (just a few more pounds and I would've hit it!). I SI, but that comes and goes in bouts, usually along with my depression, which I've suffered from for yearsssss. The fasting would be easy, just slip a green bead on...Buuut I don't want some rainbow bracelet that's too caught up in meaning to actually mean anything! Suggestions?

Alrite, enough of that random stuff spilling out of my brain!! 1st, mega hello to my 2 newest followers (I can actually tell who you are!), anna_rose_grace and Thin_Envy! Just a heads-up for anyone I'm not already following: it's probably because your blog is private. I'd love to follow y'all but if it's private go ahead and invite me!

Next order of bidnezz: intaaaaaaake. Also known as FML. Coz I'm really going for the bad stuff today. Still not hitting that cap of 800 yet, but already higher than yesterday. Too embarrassed to post exactly what I ate, but it's added up to

693

already. (There's a shit-ton of rice cakes in that total...) Also, going to workout hard-core after this post. That means yayyayyay for burnin' it up, but also means I'll prolly have a little something when I get back home. I was thinking maybe a bananer.

Good God, you're probably all completely abso sick of all these words draining onto the theoretical page. I'll stop now while I'm ahead. Ish, ahead-ish. It's 7pm, gotta get going to the gym, (whoa, lots of g's in that), but maybe I'll just do some sort of unprecedented (for me) post of just thinspo later? To make up for lack of in this post and to help fight the after-gym hungries.

Okay okay I'm really done! Love you all!
Bones are beautiful <3

< 12 Hours of Sunday

Hi again. So I guess I'm addicted or something, I cannot stay away from Blogger. Constanly reading your updates, reading comments, and now also posting. It amuses me that even my "short posts" tend to be longer than the average post. Well, maybe not "amuses"; bemuses? Whatevs.

I guess I just wanted to update on today. Although I didn't come near my cap of 800, I still feel like it was a fail of a day because I was only awake, as the title implies, less than 12 hours. In the less than 12 hours (lol sorry, I don't remember exactly what time I forced myself out of bed), I consumed:

Activia yogurt: 70
1/2 serving oatmeal: 75
noodle dish: 370
apple: 80
~total: 595

I talked to my good friend about my no Dylan/alcohol rule today. I told her that I've been feeling down and gained weight from it, and that I need this abstinance to motivate myself back into the social world. So, #1, she's being extremely supportive of my efforts, and #2, she has no idea how real depression actually works. Not that I'm that depressed right now, just the binge guilt and a bunch of shit going down at home that I shouldn't even be involved in.

Which segues me into something else that I've wanted to tell you guys: along with low morale from the whole "fam being pants-shittingly screamy" thing, there was another trigger for this messy episode last week. For my NutriSci class, we have to do this stupid "Nutritional Analysis" thing, worth 5% of our grade. All we have to do is record what we eat for 3 days and evaluate our nutrient intake. Super easy, but I had a feeling that my normal intake just wouldn't pass; so I had to make up 3 days of eating.

It was hard to reach what he said was the abso minimum I should be eating everyday. So I think my cal counts are still low for a "normal" person, but they're just so super high. That got me thinking about ...just everything. Some of the things my brain came up with were just so soul-crushingly sad...and since I was thinking about food...I guess I just kind of snapped. Which accounts for a bit of my mindfucked state last week.

But now I'm back on track. 595 in less than 12 hours is still a bit higher than I'd want, but it'll serve well to get back down to my under-500 goal from before. The hard part of the NutriSci assignment is complete. Won't ever escape from my fam, but I've got purpose now, I can handle them and anything else.

Now, for a bit more studying, sleeping, and no more posting today!!

Flash Judgement

Not posting the number of cals I consumed today; I'm not sure a liberal arts major can count that high...

Not posting my weight today; I don't know what it is...

Terribly sorry, but not commenting on any of your posts today; I AM reading them, but I just don't feel qualified to respond in any way...

I've been naughty, I've gained weight. It's easy to say "This is going to stop NOW." when you're feeling full and ugly and the laxies are scraping your innards. It won't be as easy tomorrow, when my stretched-out stomach gurgles for comfort.

I'm not sure what's been lacking in my life this last week to make my head crazier than normal. I don't *think* it was motivation, but I'm adding extra, just in case.

Until I lose my binge weight, Dylan cannot see me naked.

(Not sure this can be counted as "binge weight", as it's been building since Tuesday, but yeah...)

This actually might be hard to pull off, especially if I've been drinking, so here's another:

No alcohol till I've lost this weight, either.

The ultimate best-case scenario would be to have dropped it by the time I go home next Friday. I know that's probably a far cry but it'll serve me well. For my memory's sake, before all this started, I was down to

121.9

and right now I'm at

[something].

Oh, just thought of a new stipulation - he can't FEEL me naked either. I was a tad uncomfortable being naked in front of him at a lower weight, no way I could handle it at whatever I'm at now anyways. But this will be great motivation, as not only will I want it, but he will too, so every time I have to turn it down, I'll be disappointing him as well. I'm quite fond of him and don't want to disappoint. So I'll try even extra harder.

Alright, stabby headache and a need to curl away from the world are forcing me to bed, so goodnight and skinny dreams to each and every single one of you lovely, lovely ladies.

Stay strong girls
Bones are beautiful <3

p.s. Between thinspo raids, I've been studying for my Swedish exam on Monday. Experiment I dare you all to try: Google image search "danish". Then search "norweigan". Then do "swedish". Lmfao. Anyways, some lovely Swedes to thinspire us all:

or, if things go the way they are, I could be like these girls:

(notice how the one guy looks like his life is actually being crushed out of him...) how 'bout not.