Monday, February 9

Hey baby, let's go to Vegas

Hey beauties,

Down to 117.4 this morning. I was probably down from that even until about 10 tonight when I started eating to stay awake and finish homework. Big bummer because I ate about 1000 Cheez-Its I think. I'm dying to step back on the scale but I promised myself only once a day, that takes enough time already. It's such a big production, I'm on and off at least 7 or 8 times to make sure it's reading accurately. And setting it back to tare in between every time, I could spend forever in there if I let myself, just on and off, on and off.

It's tough to not eat when I'm only getting about 3 hours average sleep every night. But I've been doing decently all things considered, especially on days when I work. Consciously and outwardly, I complain that work takes over my life, makes it difficult to succeed in school, etc. But deep down inside I love staying so busy for 10+ hours a day (I was there over 13 today!) that I don't even remember to think about eating or being hungry.

Leaving for California in just about 75 hours. I don't know how I'll fit in everything I need to before then, but honestly, it can't come fast enough! A little worried about spending so much time on vacation with Nick's family; growing up on our vacations (although I realize now our little trips wouldn't count as most peoples' "vacations") most of what I remember is that we always had to eat. It was always time to stop driving and grab a bite, or we had to pull over for a potty break at a McD's and everyone would have a meal. I get so sick of eating on vacation! All food all the time! Hopefully his family will be a little different.

I guess we're stopping in Vegas on Sunday into Monday. I've never been to a real casino. Well, kind of, but it was an 18+. Also I'm not sure the tribal casinos around here would really count? I don't really like betting money though; maybe Nick will let me bet his ;)

Have any of you actually been to Las Vegas? Is it at all like in the movies where all the hot, thin women strut around in sequined dresses and make less-attractive women feel dumpy and embarrassed? I'm worried about it, especially after seeing all the babes in California, and especially after my munch sess tonight. Well, at least there's more prerogative to not eat the next couple of days...!

Everybody, please have a wonderful night, and believe in yourself. <3

Tuesday, February 3

Scared

Hey, I think I'm getting back in the game. Lately I can't get these things off my mind, though I've got more than enough on my plate without devoting my life back to this blog and numbers and the scale. Been thinking of coming back here, maybe making a new blog, unstained by the person I was years ago. But I thought maybe I'd start here, where it's safer.

Current weight is 119.8. My body shape is different than it used to be, I have these things called "saddlebags" now (wth?? Just learned that terminology a couple weeks ago, I've been calling them "under-butts"). I was under 118 but I ate some leftover pizza tonight after surgery class today and this is where I'm at from that.

There's two other things that are making it a little tougher on me right now as well. I had to move back in with my mom after certain, uh, mental health issues prompted my psychiatrist to recommend it. Also, I've just started a new relationship in November, and he is definitely not a healthy person. Although he's a smoker, so he wouldn't care if I picked that back up on a regular basis. He's really a wonderfully supportive and understanding guy though, last week I basically had the human form of parvo and he stayed by my side the whole first 36 or so hours until he absolutely had to leave. He doesn't know about any of this though. About PollyAnna or my past.

He does, however, appreciate my hip bones and constantly uses them as "handles" when we're in bed together which makes me feel awesome :)

Downside? We're going to Cali with his family in less than two weeks. Yeah...you saw the above number. Talk about a trigger.

I've really avoided coming back here for the longest time. Anytime these thoughts would cross my mind, or I'd wonder just how many calories a person was carelessly consuming, or anything like that (you know those automatic thoughts we have), my mind would run screaming scared - I can't go back to that, I can't let myself back in that trap, don't think about it, don't let yourself go there!!

Yet here I am.

I've been served my humble pie. I know what I have to do, and really I've just been too lazy to do it. I miss the pictures I spent so many hours staring at, I missed the music that filled my room and my head (SO to anamiamusic), I missed talking to wonderful, beautiful ladies who understood and supported me and knew I understood and supported them right back. I missed the order of things, everything in its right place, the right numbers.

What do you think? New blog or not?

And...is it good to be back? Or not?

Friday, May 18

And a Great Sadness fell over all the Fat

Hey guys!

I miss everyone! Not to complain about a terrible day, but it kind of was a terrible day. Don't you hate how everything seems to go downhill after you get home from work?

Well, a slight gain didn't surprise me this morning, after eating dinner last night. But today was a good day, so *crossed fingers*  loss again tomorrow morning! :)

I've figured out how to see your blogs now, lol. Duh. I feel so awkward commenting when I haven't been following the storyline for all these months though. I'd love to reconnect with all of you! My posts seem kind of stiff as well, because I'm not really in the writing swing of things yet.

I started whitening my teeth today! I actually kind of had to; because of all the tea I drink, my teeth are yellowing (ugh). But I have a fake front tooth so it stays white (embarrassing!!). But my smile will be sparkling in no time :) Also I've started a Jergens self-tan lotion for the time being until I figure out where I want to tan. I've never been before so I'm a little hesitant to just march in and declare, "Teach me!!". I'm excited for that too, as long as I can afford it with all these hospital bills finally rolling in...

I'll be thin, tan, blonde(-er), and just allover beautiful when I visit my friends in my college town, and won't Dylan just be kicking himself! =]

I just realized that first I said it was a terrible day, then I said it was a good day. That irritates me, so just to clarify, the good day part was related to the around-500 I had today. ...Ok, plus 2 chocolate pieces, I was bumming alright? Still under "bare minimum" and still negative with my exercise added in. So, good day :)

So, tell me about YOUR beauty things you do to make an ex regret it :)

Enjoy your bones my long-lost loves <3

Thursday, May 17

WTH?!

Hi so me again...

Uhhhh what the hell?? How do I get to YOUR blogs?!

Oh also Dylan and I aren't together anymore. Dang it's been a long time.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Hi so just a quickie...

First, I forgot to tell you that instead of pescatarian, I've updated myself to full-out vegetarianism! Whoot!

Second, what's with the changes to posting stuff? I have no idea how to tag things now! Any insight from you enduring and steadfast bloggers would be suuuuper helpful to me...also I'll send a mental hug as a reward! :)

Whaaaaaaaaat?

So I haven't been on since I think it was October, and not only do I have more followers now than before, but tens of thousands of page views, and, get this, y'all are still commenting for me! God I love you guys.

Being on in the first time in however long, I've noticed that I have a few more x's to add to my countdown sidebar thingy, that's pretty happy :)

Ok so get this, guys. I work for a TEA COMPANY. I can't tell you how many of the women that work there swear by the weight loss they've had since starting. I haven't lost TOO much extra just from working there, but I'll tell you what, it's a helluva lot easier to maintain, lose, or just not gain working there. Tea is the thing, girls, tea is the thing. Ask any questions you'd like about tea and I'll answer to the best of my knowledge!

Ok this isn't really a weight loss thing but it kind of is, but I also work at Petco now! It's pretty therapeutic, even being around the sassy dogs. I'm getting known as the person who's able to help calm dogs down if a groomer is working on a fidgety dogs (I work in the grooming salon). So it's kind of a weight loss thing because it can get physically demanding. Also, I'm on my feet all day at both jobs, so there's some calories burned for ya.

Oh it's just all so exciting, I'm so happy to be back!! I don't live with my mother anymore so that's fairly wonderful as well! Ooooooh my goodness though, I do have alot of catching up to do with all of you...sorry I haven't been supporting you like I should have been! K well I have some reading to do, so I'll type at you tomorrow :)

Hugs and kisses! <3

Monday, October 3

I Had a Really Clever and Relevant Title Yesterday But Hell if I Could Think of it Now

Hey girls!

I've been silently creeping on all your blogs, but last night made me want to post my own again.

So I've been doing fairly well, pound at a time, you know how that goes. But this week I have three exams and and three quizzes (2 major, one regular weekly) and growing Dylan problems and you know what? I'm sick of my roommate saying I don't eat! (Haha, if she only KNEW...okay but I don't know why I'm laughing about that, maybe it's just because I relish the fact that she's WRONG. [And fat. Sorry dear, you're very nice too.])

Anyway, main point is, after a nice little around-500 (in the future, to keep from becoming too obsessive and to maybe not encourage other people to do this quite so much, I'm not going to publish exact cals, just the closest 100 or 50 or so) ummm...I lost my train of thought.

Oh yes! After a nice little around-500 day, one of the other housefellows brought in candy corn and gave everyone one. (After all, a single candy corn is worth the support it gives your image of normality). But then I had the taste of sugar in my mouth, which I haven't had since...really, my last blog post about binging. So I went to Walgreen's, bought a pack of smokes and a bag of halloween Butterfingers and had myself my first binge since May.

(DISCLAIMER: NO ONE SHOULD EVER BUY EITHER CIGARETTES OR FUN SIZE BUTTERFINGERS. THEY ARE BOTH VERY HARMFUL AND CAUSE CANCER. side note: well, obesity does anyway.)

So I'm sitting here with terrible stomach cramps, from last night's butterfingers and this morning's impending (and unstudied-for) French quiz. Good thing I felt like blogging, huh?

So I'm off to shower...I mean study more (of course). Everybody have a survivable Monday!!

Boney hugs,
Pollyanna <3

Wednesday, September 7

Anybody Miss Me?

Hey guys...I missed you all, if that counts for anything.

This is gonna be a short update. I'm a terrible blogger, I know, but I'm back on the streets and no time to waste...

I disappeared because "my disease was discovered", as my mother frequently reminds me. (Thanks mom, nothing was even happening very quickly. You suck.) Now I'm back, and I'm in college, and I gained some weight from the watchfullness, and I lost it when I came back to college.

There's never really any alone time, so it's hard to get away with fasting and such. I've been eating healthily though. I know 1000 calories a day sounds like a buttload to all you beauties out there, it's what I've been capping myself at. At least I don't feel depressed all the time like I used to. And no more frickin binges!! I'm still pescatarian (sp?) and enduring constant encouragement to give up that diet from Dylan, Mr. Meateater himself. I won't though, that would mean I lost all the way. At least I still have some dignity now.

I promised my mom I wouldn't look at thinspo anymore, and I promised (ish, promised-ISH) Dylan that I wouldn't be back on blogger. Well damn. I'm here. Not sure exactly how I have even MORE followers than when I left, but thanks guys! Thanks for believing in me when nobody did. Sigh ok, I have sooo much $h!t to do it's ridiculous. By the way, I'm starting French now as well, sooo...if there's anybody I can practice with, please let me know! :)

Back to the grindstone. I hope everyone can forgive me for my absence, and welcome a long-lost sister back to the fold.

Hugs and kisses!!
Bones are beautful <3

Saturday, May 7

Man Alarm

Haha I don't know, I was going to google search "man alive" because I just said it about my situation, and that's what we came up with. Heehee.

Anywho, this will have to be short, or shortish at least, and i'm not correcting anything i do wrong or stuff coz man alive, i think i'm a bit screwed here.

Must finish this gosh darn psych paper!!! Then as soon as that's done its studystudystudy for the psych exam (prolly for only like a little bit coz i need to get up early for the psych exam. fml psych, i love you, why would you betray me so??)

I was pretty good today. i'm co-in-charge of the finals pancake dinner my church hosts every semester so i had a cpl. but the lower-cal ones and no syrup or butter. and other than that i had a little chinese but it wasnt real chinese and i didn't eat all of it. looking at their website i'd say im still wellllll under 900 today. mm, ok approaching but under. and i have like nothing to eat here so i cant do much damage (oooo, a single roma tomato!) so unless i go out of my way to fuck myself (which i really reallllly don't have time for) then im in the clear for tonight.

not eating tomorrow, i have a double date with my college bestie n her bf. we bought matching new dresses for it! except hers is grayish and my is creamish. here i'll devote a few mins to finding pix! wow ok they have a really crappy site, but i dont see it anywhere. bah sorry.

anyway going to take a laxie to hopefully help thin me out a tiny bit (get this junk outta me!) before then, but i'll really have to work to time it perfectly so that the 6-12ish hrs after dsnt fall either on the exam or the date festivities. meh i'll figure it out later. but not too much later!! actually, this mite not even wrk coz i'd hafta take it at like 4am and considering my exam is at 7.45...hm. dunno dunno dunno.

y'all cannot comprehend the amount of coffee that has passed my lips in the last several days. i mean...incredible amounts.

k wellz...i think that's all i got to say for now. here's some nerd thinspo to help with all the studying! or, at least, to help me i guess lol. ok jk coz i just don't have time for it, sorry to lead you all on!! i promise you all many sexy nerdy thinspo pix in the nearish future!!!

k bye!!!
Bones are beautiful <3

Thursday, May 5

Oh Save Me From My Ditzy Self

So I've been going nuts over this paper for psych, as in, omg-it's-due-today-and-I-haven't-started-and-I'm-not-even-sure-it's-related-to-what-I'm-supposed-to-be-talking-about-stressstressstresssss! (It's really hard to type with hyphens instead of spaces.) But I've just found out it's all for naught, the paper is actually due Sunday. Sure, extremely early Sunday morning, but still. This is excellent news, because I've just found another study I can include in my discussion that will perfectly link my original article-study-thing to the topic I was actually supposed to be talking about.

Unfortuneately, STRESS still happened. And you know what that means...

So for finals week (actually that's next week, but I still had one exam this week and also this paper I thought was due today), I decided not to devote TOO much time/energy to counting because I need to mega-concentrate here. The last few weeks I've been obsessing with what an eff-up I am, instead of studying and keeping up with school work like I should've been. Anyway, the lethal combination of "ok I'll let myself relax a bit for this week" + STRESS led to...just an awful amount of cals. Really, really awful.

I blame my mouth. My mind and stomach sure as HELL don't want it, but my mouth is just dying for the taste and texture. Have any of you ever eaten a super-significant amount, then had your boyfriend come over and you unexpectedly end up in bed having sex? Ultra-uncomfortable! I do not recommend!! =[

I wasn't planning to weigh-in till Sunday or so, but of course I did today anyway (scales are SO addicting). Ugh, I know alot of it was cracker-and-junk weight, but still...that's nearly the highest I've been since dating Dylan. I don't know how can want to sex with me. And since today was almost as bad (well ok, exaggeration, like 1/2 as bad), the weight's probably not gonna go down tomorrow either. Not that I'm going to weigh though. (I will.)

The soonest I can get into a doctor, I want to talk to them about the possibility of me having ADD. (Or, I guess that doesn't exist now, it's ADHD with a special sub-name that means you're not hyper.) I had seven cups of coffee plus a caffeine [diet] pill in the space of a few hours to help me focus on the psych paper. And it's seriously something I'm really interested in, even. But, on the bright side, maybe I can get a prescription for Adderall!! :)

Tomorrow should be an easy-peasy day though, I can go without eating (except celery and green bell pepper) until 6.30, when I have a dinner meeting thing. At least I know where it's at, so I can hopefully find the nutrition stuff online before I go. Meh, a Mexican place, wish me luck...

So, I was feeling like this post was relatively short and stuff, but then I scrolled back through and realized, not so much. So I'll end it here I guess! I think I maybe was going to say something else but I can't remember. Maybe I even said it already. So much for "extra cals = extra brain power". Dummy. Well, that just means I don't really even need to eat specially for my final exams, right? :) Obvz.

Ah I'm so excited for summer and here's some thinspo!!!! (I think that's the 1/2 gallon of coffee kicking in, teehee)

hm, I've come up with a bit of a random assortment today, I just added whatever struck my fancy =]



I super-admire her. Not only coz she's beautiful, but also coz she's on an escalator. I'm deathly afraid of escalators.
Or, at least, getting on and off them. The ride is actually quite fun.

Ahh I want to be this hott for Dylan!!

This is a Russian calendar. Idk, just thought it was cool.

She's wearing a sparkly silver bra. Just...wow. I want to be her this summer.

In my thinspo folder, I called this one "taking notes". Like school. I should focus more.
Stay strong for summer, we're almost there!!! :D
Bones are beautiful <3

Wednesday, May 4

Every Morning

Sorry, I'm on a Basshunter kick atm, and this song is just soooooooo sweet!!!!! (except the ending. the ending is just WTF?!) Anyway, you can dance and brush your teeth to it at the same time (not that I'd know from experience or anything...):

AWWWWW!!! :)

Thank you to Aye Ell and Skinny_legs for your advice. It was super appreciated! If anyone else has any spare advice they'd like to send my way, lol please don't hesitate!

I haven't been counting, but as noted yesterday, I was still losing. Because I purposefully didn't weigh-in today even though I had the opportunity to, I decided to count loosely. I think that was my big mistake, because it was really just awful today. I stopped counting. I was at 420ish around 5pm, which was way less than what I've been doing lately so even though that sounds high, it was alright. Until then.

So I just went back and kind of went over what I all ate, I thought for sure I was up around 4000 but it turns out those crackers (that I ....kind of ate the whole box of...) were alot less than I originally thought, and also I guess I was just blowing things out of proportion based on how full I was feeling. So I'm pretty sure I at least kept it under 2000 today. I know that's quite a terrible number anyway, but since I've been eating lately my metabolism's totally kickass right now. (My one saving grace...) (hopefully...)

Again, no workout, but there won't be an official one of those for several days yet due to this psych paper and also preparing for finals (ahhhhhhhhh!!!), but I've been super-power-walking tons and fitting in a flash-dancejam whenever/wherever I can so hopefully keeping things in check that way at least. One week from today (well, it's just after midnight so I suppose yesterday) I'm leaving college and going back home!!

Speaking of summer, I got back my old job that I had to quit when I left for school! Haven't heard back from the college I'm transferring to for a summer class, but hopefully that'll work out soon. Also, I have a job interview with my new committee director for a possible job next school year!! It would be amazing if I could land it, so I've got all my fingers, toes, and eyes crossed for that one! 8)

Alright, I'm yawning my face off, so it's thinspo and hit the sack for me! Btw everyone, I'm finally reaching the lights at the ends of the hypothetical tunnels. As in, I'm finally catching up on your blogs! If I haven't commented yet, it's because I haven't reached your most recent one yet. But I'll be there soon, and getting this psych paper out of the way will def help.

K..theme of thinspo...I don't know why but I'm going to go with tattoo thinspo today. I can't wait to get my next one, but I'm not even sure yet what it will be. It needs to be something meaningful, I'm not one to just get it coz it's "aww cute!!" Not that there's anything wrong with that, just not for me, and also my way of making my decision easier because I just can't make decisions anyway lol. I'm 90% positive it will be food-related though, as that was definitely a factor of this frosh year of college, especially 2nd semester. Okay thinspo for realz!!

[Hm so I think my cool pic-placement pattern is messed up, idk why, but enjoy anyway! I have SO MANY tattoo thinspo pix om my comp haha.]

teehee :)




so, not exactly thinspo, but still pretty

Life is about...


so it's not a girl tattoo but still. I want Dylan to be able to do this...



What an interesting place for a tatt, I may consider it...
 

God I love this one, wish I could have thighs like that so I could get a tatt like that...


haha so fun :)

















Bones are beautiful <3

Monday, May 2

She's a Killer Queen

So, I guess I'm 3 pounds down from Friday morning, by accident. That "by accident" would include getting swasted on Mike's hard black cherry lemonade (sugarsugarsugar), eating a double-scoop dish of ice cream (I wanted the caffeinated one, but it doesn't taste as good as the one that actually tastes like coffee...I know, wtf, why am I even eating ice cream? I'm even lactose intolerant for Pete's sake!!), and a giant fancy Italian dinner at the formal. So...how the...?


The Cold Hard Facts of the weekend:
Saturday: Since I got almost ***NO SLEEP*** on Friday night (ASO to my roomate, her cousin, and her cousin's friend. You guys are real champs, thanks. :/ ), I was kind of super-tired while waiting for my wave to start the 8k on Saturday morning. As in, I was kind of yawning/falling asleep/leaning on Dylan for support. But I was so invigorated afterwards! I wanted to sprint like the last 1/2-mile but I think Dylan might have actually died. Haha I'm surprised he's still going out with me as it is. :-P Our time was eh but we still beat my goal for us! (Goal was 50 min, I crossed at 49.01).


Then I had to walk all over God's creation, ugh miles and miles. My feet were super-sore because I ended up running in my old painful shoes. Cue the afore-mentioned ice cream on the way home. (Ahh I'm living just down the street next year, so I'm going to be passing the same ice cream place everyday again, I need to get over that temptation NOW!!) Fast-forward to walking to Dylan's frat formal.


(Okay, I'm pretty sure I'm breaking a blogging [or just general internet] rule here, but if you Americans haven't figured it out already, I live in Madison.) It was the Mifflin street block party this weekend, but everyone everywhere gets superduper Mario SA-MASHED bros. As in, they started pre-gaming for the Saturday city-wide party early Friday morning. Anyway, I [stupidly] chose to walk down one of the drunker streets to get to the formal. I got so many compliments on my body though! Thin, pretty, and sexy being among them. :) But there was one...it made me want to turn around and hide at home forever.


"Hey girl, your ass is fat!" Random girl in group passing me: "Who, me?" Answer: "no, that girl in the white sweater walking by herself, over there, hey you, look at me, I said fucking look at me you fucking fatass!!" me in head: ah fuck shit fuck my life can't be in public go home go home crycrycry fuck i hate me-" [continues throughout the weekend] I'm glad I kept walking though, I was tied for skinniest girl there, then after the mungo Italian dinner (skipping that, the only highlight anyone needs to know is that I tried a teensy bite of the meatball for Dylan, first meat in like almost 3 months, dreaded it so much that it tasted like...idk something sick in my mouth...) we went back to his frat and he bought me the afore-mentioned Mike's, which I drank all of and was soooo drunk, but after I was already barely able to stand, my pong abilities increased tenfold. No joke.


Then...oh then. I... I... Okay, this is equal parts horrible and elation for me to admit but...I had sex with Dylan. It actually hurt so bad. But anyway, it was his first time and my first real time so... wow. I guess that's all I really want to say about it now.


Then on Sunday: I don't remember what I ate, it was mostly celery, salad, and green bell pepp I think. A little dressing on the salad. Went bowling and attended an amazing choral concert called Elijah by Felix Mendolsson (sp?) and I highly highly recommend it if it's ever performed in your area. Super cool. Then I went to Dylan's and talked over this sex thing with him (I'm in such a spiritual and moral dilemma over it; I've chosen to ignore it for now, which may tear me to pieces, but whatevs. For now.) and then we did it again.


Then I weighed in this morning and was down the 3 afore-mentioned pounds, huh.


This part may be TMI, but I'm looking for some advice. I feel like I'm not utilizing the full calorie-burning potential of sex. How can I? I mean, I'm not comfortable being on top yet, which I feel like would burn more...I don't know, I think I'm doing what I can, but then again, I'm not thinking like someone who's familiar with sex, so...hm.


I may have effed-up a little bit today, and by that I mean alot bit, but this whole "not being able to weigh-in for several days" was quite cathartic so before I even screwed up I had decided not to weigh-in tomorrow. It wasn't a binge, as I didn't really feel out-of-control at all. But...there was alot of calorie consumption going on. So we'll see!! Ahh!!


Meh, tearful side note: I've lost 2 followers. Sadsadsad. Probably because I'm not commenting like I should be! Also because my life is probably completely boring and of no interest to anyone but me. But I'll keep on doing this blogging thing coz it helps me lose in the long run, at least. Sorry everyone...I'm trying to be more faithful to keeping up but I just feel a little social-blogfully crippled right now! :( I swear I'm working on it!!!


OMG just found these awesome videos. I don't know why I didn't see them before, but the world of "couples thinspo VIDEOS" has been opened to me!! love love love!!! <3


Okay this one is my fave because of the song, but it needs more couples lol:


Also, I'm super-glad my roomie left, because somehow, researching for my honors psych seminar paper led to watching Basshunter on Youtube and I'm dancing in my room now. Enjoy this kind-of-thinspo/dance-arama mix lovies! [I have to admit, DotA or Boten Anna are my faves, but no thinspo there. Unless you're watching the new version of DotA lolz.]
Okay those look weird, so hopefully they work...?


Love and hugs and smiles, darlings <3 X :)
Bones are beautiful <3

Friday, April 29

Can't Believe It!

As soon as this post's posted, I will be promptly catching up on everyone's blogs! Need to stop being so lazy-ass about things I love doing anyway.

Here's the thing, girls: I'm not handling the stressors in my life as well as I should be able to right now. This in turn is causing me stress. So, my life has been revolving around those stresses; it's a nice break from revolving around food and calories, but I'd really rather take that. So even though everything is still pushing at me from all sides, emotionally I'm feeling much calmer. And so restarts the weight loss. :)

Weight has been completely stable (down about 3 pounds from Easter), which is ultra-surprising when I take into consideration my lack of running/any exercise besides walking this week, and also my calorie intake has been on the high end of the scale for some days now.

[I'm a terrible person...I'm feeling a bit bingey (idk why, I've been eating throughout the day!) so I looked up "fat people" on youtube. This one was incredibly mean and thinspiring all at once (and also proved my saying of "eating your face off"): http://youtu.be/AIU9EV5MasY ] [oh FUCKING FUCKSHIT. also found a site called "gainingbombshells.com". what kind of sick...?! i thought maybe it was anoretics trying to be healthy again or something...the one girl is currently 195, GW 200, UGW 350. WHAT THE EFFING EFF?! the two sister sites are pretty disgusting too. If you're ever feeling very self-hateful, I guess I'd recommend burning your soul with these sites. Never. Eating. Again.]

Wow, ok...I really am a horrible person. Thank God for objective justification, or I'd be going to hell in a handbasket right now. I just ran across the "we love you connie" video. Gross, but it made me so sad I wanted to cry. Oh man.

Alright, so I want to curl into the fetal position and die right now, so I'm'a keep the ball rolling.

8k tomorrow!!! Forgot my running shoes at home over Easter and didn't have time to buy new ones and break them in this week, so I'm going it in old painful shoes. Couple that with the fact that I haven't actually run any significant amount since last Thursday morning, and I'm expecting a very slow time :( Also I'm running with Dylan (who never runs, ever, and has not run more than a mile at a time in his life, silly boy! Although that was totally me like a month ago haha) so I'm sure there will be walking involved too.

Dyed my hair yesterday! Instead the once-fire-engine-red (it had faded to strawberry blonde), I am now a medium-to-darkish brown. It was supposed to be light golden brown but my hair's never been one to follow orders :-P

Oh, also Dylan's formal is tomorrow night, fml, but at least the race is in the morning so I probably will only need to eat a little afterwards, then nothing till the dinner so hopefully I won't get bloated or anything. Maybe I'll look ok...hopefully no/not too many pictures!!!

oookay...I felt like I had so much to write when I started this post, but between distracting myself and being a generally bad person I can't remember anything else. :/ And I've wasted so much time anyway, I need to catch up on your guys's post a bit and get ready for tomorrow morning. I'm freaked out!!! :D

Goodnight, everyone, and as promised, here's the long-awaited thinspo! It was so warm and sunny today, I think the theme will be cute shorts and pretty legs :) It's supposed to thunderstorm for the race tomorrow, so maybe this thinspo will uplift the weather's spirits!! :) 
[aandd aafterr tthiss, tthee ddelugee...]











I think I'll be like this girl to the right when I get lower-weighted, she's thin and pretty but her legs still touch in the middle. Damn genetics.

Bones are beautiful <3

Tuesday, April 26

Just an FYI

Howdy, all. Update:

Still alive, still fat. Best friend attempted suicide. Another good friend calls off her engagement and expects me to handle her freaking-out-ness. I've got this damn race and Dylan's frat formal on Saturday, both of which I'm much too chubby for. Oral exam in Swedish I'm not prepared for, as well as this grade-defining paper for psych that I'm not even sure what I'm writing on. On my monthly and sick as a dog from it, should probably consider going back on the pill but I don't want to gain weight from it. Not that it matters because I've gained weight from over Easter weekend and from Monday. Not a binge but still too much.

Plus side: choir concert last night went swimmingly. Bought a new little black dress for it, it shows off my stomach and hips too much but amazingly enough, I look okay in it. Maybe that's the dress I'll wear to the formal?

My head hurts and I feel pukey so this is all I've got. Just so everyone knows, I'm not really looking for pity points here or anything, I'm just still alive is all. And maybe these are all my excuses. Excuse after excuse for my Fatty McCowfullness. Too many excuses. They'll stop. Promise. Just need to get a handle on life at the moment. I expect posts to be randomly scattered, with a slight chance of thinpo later this week, temperatures in the low 120's. Or something. No weight till Thursday.

New followers...helloo...Really, if you look back a ways, my posts are better than this and there's usually thinspo. Don't worry, those posts will return, at the most 2 weeks! (I'm finished with being a college frosh in exactly 2 weeks from today :) Unless you dread those posts, then, you know...just uh, enjoy the here and now I guess.

Ack bedtime was 2.5 hours ago, but I suppose 10.30pm will do okay... 'night everyone. Be quirky.
Bones are beautiful <3

oh yeah, ran across this today. thought I'd share, if anyone's interested --
"6 of Your Favorite Things Making You Fat" from Cracked.com (my fave procrastination site):
http://www.cracked.com/article_16708_6-your-favorite-things-that-are-secretly-making-you-fat.html

Saturday, April 23

Good (?) Friday

Hi everyone! Hope everyone's having a fun holy week so far, haha. Home for Easter weekend, Easter lunch tomorrow. My fam is definitely a eat-your-face-off fam, so I'll have a hard time, but I'll make do. The whole "vegetarian" thing will help immensely. :)

[Quick side note on being veg: Today Dylan was like "Yeah, you can eat meat soon!" Yeah...I told him I wanted to wait till at least after the race. I can see he's starting to panic a little bit...]

Today's count:
applesauce: 50
starbucks' frappuccino: 300 (ahh wtf?! damn you starbucks!!!)
Uno's rice: 150
1/2 Uno's wrap: 210

total: 710

Ooookay...not too bad, esp with eating out, but that goddamn starbucks really threw me off. Shittos.

Waking up early tomorrow to go work out with my mom. Not sure how much of a workout it's gonna be, but I'll push my ass as far as it goes, because I know I'll have to make up for Easter lunch...

Alright hope everyone's life is going super awesome. Thanks to those who are still commenting, and not giving up on this wreck! Things are looking up though!

Oh, speaking of which, 4 pound loss today. :) I know some of that is food weight (my digestive system is running surprisingly smoothly atm!) but I'll take it because I know some of that is fat too. :)

No thinspo (wow, when was the last time I posted thinspo? Too long!!!) because I'm on my mom's home computer. Good luck everyone with Easter dinners and lunches and candies and jelly beans and chocolates and all that CRAP that people will want you to eat this weekend! STAND STRONG AGAINST SHIT!!!

I love you all!!
Bones are beautiful <3

Thursday, April 21

I've Jaded Myself

Healthy eatin': it ain't fer me.

I tried, girls. I tried I tried I tried.

The binging...it was happening way too often. Some kind of disconnect. Something wasn't right. Wanted to get back to "normal". I would've taken normal weight; better than normal weight with binge-food weight guilting me into submission.

I couldn't hack it. Eating normal led to binging. Or, at least, really high cals. Couldn't handle it. I want restriction back. So I'm taking it.

My plan for today, hastily texted to lovely miss Olivia Lee at 1am yesterday (this morning?) - if it's in writing and someone knows it, I'm more likely to stick to it - was to run at least 50 mins, if a break was needed then it was in the weight room. Liquid fast, the leftover lettuce and celery in my fridge if NEEDed.

How'd I do? Well, ran 63 mins straight, then backed it up with about 10-15 mins in the weight room. Piece of Swedish candy (16), and unfortuneately, a non-pareil (sp?) (19) in my honors seminar. Met an old friend at Starbucks (140). Then I got roped into going to B-Dubs, a 250 Boca plus a few fries :(

So, 425 plus fries total. Very nearly burned all that at the gym, so hopefully a nice loss tomorrow...

Hello new followers! I swear everyone, I will be a better blogger again very very soon. Rough patches make for rough blogging. To everyone I follow, I'll be catching up soon and starting to comment again. Gosh I'm sorry I've been so lousy lately.

Things will be looking up. Promise.

Love and hugs and kisses and skinnies and sweet dreams and pretties to you all!! :)
Bones are beautiful <3

Sunday, April 17

Lazy Sundays

Hey everyone. It's been a couple days since I last posted, so even though I don't really feel like it and I also don't really feel like I have much to say, I'll jot something down to keep y'all updated.

So, last Wednesday before the stress got to me, I was down to 122.4. Did some weighing in during/after the binge, was high high high. Yesterday weighed in again, down to 124.8 from what I had been up to. Today, I was 124.2. Meh.

Friday I was actually super-sick and pukey, leftovers from the binge I'm positive, but I forced myself to eat. And also to run for around 35 minutes. Coming off a binge I always say that I'm going to "ease back in, start high then gradually lower it". But then I always end up super-restricting right away, because it's super-easy when you've still got that food in you. So, I'm actually going to ease in this time. I think Friday I forced myself up to around 520ish, not very high, but I couldn't force anymore down. Yesterday I think I was around 600. (I'm purposely not keeping great track. Told myself I wasn't going to count at all for a few days, buuut...you know.)

I'm at about 510 right now. I'm going to run my ass off then come back and eat my last vegan Boca burger in a leaf of romaine with mustard, 70 cals but shittons of protein, which I guess is good.

Yesterday I ate the pot brownie. Also smoked a tiny bit. Was the super-effingest-high I've ever been, which I guess doesn't say much because it takes alot for me to even start feeling affected.

Also bought my new running shoes today, they'll be great for my flat arches and sad ankles. Also, they're black and pink, which I swear is the hottest shoe-color combo in my mind right now and I've been meaning to get a pair like that since forever. Need to break them in before I can run in them though! Or, do you break them in by just running in them? I was just planning to wear them around at home, but if someone has a better suggestion for me I'll def take it.

That's all I got. Enjoy some beauty, on the house. :)

Ahhhkay, I've decided to be lazy and only post 1 pic. I'm friends with one of the girls on Facebook, but they're both so pretty. I want ribs like that.
Because bones are beautiful <3

Friday, April 15

My Silent Undoing...

Well, I don't know why I feel like I deserve to post, but I will. At least I'm not feeling too badly right now. I'll try to keep this post to the short like the last few, but I have some things to say. Yes, I guess it's personal diary time again.

What does binging mean to me? I thought it meant just the usual: the horrid inner backup, the extreme guilt, the gain, the renewed determination. But I do believe that it means something more.When I binge, I feel like an animal: uncontrollable, shoveling in, disgusting, something that should be in a cage. Then, in the aftermath of being unable to stop, I feel like, fuck it, I'm already beyond countable calories, I want this food, I want this taste, and what better time than when I'm already fucked? So it becomes a right for me, something I deserve, almost like a reward.

Unacceptable. But now that I know I'm thinking like that, I can stop it. And I will. I must, or give in to my genetics and those primal, animal urges. And THAT is not an option.

I look at pix of me when I was nearing my low weight (I have none from when I was actually there.) At that time, I was eating 160 calories per day, working 8-10 hours, and working out about 2.5 hours per day, with no problem. It was no sweat, no worries. So much easier, and I don't understand why. I can't wait to get back to that frame of mind.

Life was sweet and easy and skinny. It will be again, no worries. I got it.

So, this week's plan is out the window, but my friends know I'm "sick", so they won't think anything of it if I happen to miss an event or two [for a several-hour workout] or if my stomach can't handle a few meals [because I won't let it].

Throwing away food this morning WAS therapeutic. And very scathing and cathartic. Threw away the noodle bowls minus the soup ones, because they're *fairly* lo-cal. Threw away all cheese and bread and pizza.(Yeah...I still had pizza...it was good for when friends came over, but I'd end up binging on it just as much as entertaining with it). Then I started to go off today and went for the soupy noodle bowl.

That's when I realized it wasn't about the cals at all; it was about the control, the emotions associated with it. Out went the noodle soups. Every item I have now is either liquid, fruit/veggie, or...canned wild rice? Hm...

I think my roommate saw my food all in the kitchen garbage; she didn't say anything though. She probably just thought I was even more of a fucktard than she already did. Oh well! I wish I could run right now, but 1. I thought it would probably be unwise to run with all this food in me, and 2. I wouldn't want to show up at the gym with my belly distended like this (tomorrow after the laxies it'll be better). And 3. the gym closes in 4 minutes.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement from Domino, Thin_Thrills, Vasilikie, and a kindly anonymous. I don't deserve the credit you all give me; I'd completely understand if y'all took a paddle of tough love and battered me over the head with it. Zane - I didn't really intend for it to be a flush, though it did keep me "on the move" today...I had just heard from a few people that if you gulp lots of warm super-salty water it would make you puke, so that's what I was going for. The best laid plans of mice and men...psh. Oh - anonymous commenter, if you're reading this: I'm doing a post about God and my faith soon; people wonder how I can reconcile faith and ED. If I hadn't screwed up it would've been this post. I won't mind if there's anybody who doesn't want to read that post for whatever reason.

Ok enough sob story!! Happy things for today: my psych prof personally sought me out to tell me that my lecture/presentation was great and engaging!! Evil icky food is gone!! Okay!! ...That's really all I got. In the 50/50 range is the fact that for either tomorrow night or Saturday night, I have a pot brownie. About 200 for the brownie but it will be all I eat that day. And it's a freakin' pot brownie, pretty much one of the only remaining ways I haven't experienced weed yet. Hope it's fun!

Alright, I know this is crazy, buuut...I should *probably* go study for that Swedish exam tomorrow...and also probably write that Swedish essay that's due tomorrow...hm. I wish I could be as prolific a Swedish essay writer as I am a blog-post writer.

Wish me luck kicking some Swedish essay/exam and calorie ASS tomorrow!! When shit hits the fan, ya gotta scrub up!

No thinspo sorry :(
Next time!!
Bones are beautiful <3

Thursday, April 14

Fuck the Weary, No Rest For Them

Hi.

I think I just posted a little while ago. Sorry if I did. Psych lecture drove me to binging. It's not done yet either. Lecturing tomorrow. Fuck.

Tried to purge. Failed of course, haven't been able to vomit on purpose for a couple years. What the hell. Tried drinking tons of warm salt water. Made me feel shit, but no puking. Just major dehydration and a waste of time that could've been spent on this goddamn lecture.

Fuck everything, I'll just get up early. Maybe skip Swedish. No weigh-in tomorrow. Wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a gain plus the psych lecture. What was I thinking, that I was smart, that I was special, taking this fucking extra psych seminar as a freshman when everyone else clearly had a much greater background in the major. Fuck me. Fuck my life.

Okay I'm done, not a personal diary, remember, sorry. Also sorry for the language.

Bones are beautiful <3

p.s. Keeping to my rule about throwing away food if I binge - tomorrow. Not tonight. It will be therapeutic to wake up early and trash my pantry. My roommate will wonder what the hell is going on, haha. But guess what, only healthies left for me, finally doing what I should've done long ago, getting rid of those fucking Asian noodle bowls. They're the death of me.

Fuck, I always say "ok I'm done now!" and then I keep blabbering my face off, on and on. But I'm really really done for real after this paragraph, hope this wasn't too long, hope you all enjoy the new shorter post format, hope you all can forgive me for the last 2 hours or so. Hope the scales can too. Can't ever forgive myself though. But good night y'all, have a cheery bright sunshiney morning.

Bones are beautiful <3

Wednesday, April 13

Dona Nobis Pacem

Grant us peace...

First, thanks everyone for the kale tips! I've had kale chips before, but I've never made them myself, so thanks for the instructions Zane!

Lost 1.1 pounds today, so I'm down to:

122.4

I guess 1.1 pounds is okay...

Today's intake:

Activia: 70 (not on my plan, but it was rancid and made me sick so I'm punished for it at least)
some red bell pepper slices: 15 (high estimate)
total kale: 30 (high estimate)
total romaine: 20
total fat-free Western salad dressing: 75 (how distressing!)
total so far: 210
Not bad, right? But I did end up going to Vespers dinner, and it's so extremely strange that this happens this way sometimes, but...dinner made me hungrier, so I made a grilled cheese when I got home. :(

2 slices bread: 70
slice cheese: 60
total so far: 340
Okay, so broke the raw foods/liquids thing majorly, but still under the cals for today, right? Um, hold that thought, because (as you probably noticed) I haven't added in Vespers dinner yet...

3/4 baked potato: 150 (high estimate, but still already over...)
(most of) 2 double-stuff oreos: 65
lots of pickles: 0 (thank goodness!!)
6 baby carrots: 35
a couple grapes: 10 (high estimate)

current. effing. total: 600
...Oh. I thought it would be worse. But that's still HORRIBLE, especially considering 2 things: my goal (above), and my exercise (below).

Was supposed to run 2 miles, but was sick (from the yogurt) so I only ran 1.65. Shittos. I would add on some extra to my other days, but...my running shoes are so worn out that I can't use them anymore. I've been making my feet, ankles, and knees suck it up, but I can't anymore, these shoes are finished. And with no way to buy new ones until this weekend, that means no running Thursday...Friday...Saturday...and potentially even Sunday. No way to make up for what I missed today, no way to make up for my extra cals.

Double shittos. But I'll do what I can...I can't afford any extra punishment tomorrow, but it looks like I'm staying here this weekend, so def then. Sticking to the plan till then though!

Good night all. No thinspo because I need to work on this psych lecture I have to give tomorrow morning and it's driving me nuts and I've barely made a dent in what I have to do before then! Gahhhhhh!!!

Be stronger and thinner and more beautiful and more self-controlling and all-in-all just more wonderful than I've been today. :(

Bones are beautiful <3

Tuesday, April 12

Shawtie Post

Hey everyone. I know the length of my posts recently has been getting out of hand; I've been treating this blog like my personal diary. That's no good, so mostly just the facts now, and I'll do my best to keep everything else brief.

Yesterday's intake: ended up going 25 cals over with my planned foods, so added on the extra 1/2 mile running today. At my committee meeting last night, it was milk and cookies night, and though I could've gotten away without, I felt pressured to have a cookie so I did. Just gave in. :(

Today's weight: down 3.3 lbs to 123.5. Excellent. :)

Ran the 2.5 miles but my legs KILL right now. I may end up skipping tomorrow's run to 1. recover and 2. work on/finish Thursday's lecture presentation (which is stressing me the hell out right now!). But if I do end up doing that, then I'll add on 1/2 mile to every other run through Sunday to make up for it.

Today's intake:

yogurt: 70
apple: 80
applesauce: 50
potato soup: 150

total: 350. Perfect. :)

Went to the market this morning, bought kale and romaine, celery, Pink Lady apples, and unsweetened applesauce. Looking forward to tomorrow's raw foods! I hope kale + romaine is delicious, I've never tried it before! Kale has lots of flavor, so I shouldn't need to add much (if any) dressing. And I'm glad to have celery back in my fridge, I was missing it. :) As long as I don't go to Vespers dinner tomorrow and take it easy on the apples, should be easy-peasy to keep it under 400.

That's all I got, hopefully it's not too long! I'm really sick of wearing pants; it's getting nicer and nicer out, and you know what that means - gotta slim up to look good in those dresses and skirts! So here's some thinspiration for that:









The above 2 pix are a couple of my faves. I don't know why the 2nd to last one is, it just kind of strikes me somehow. And the last pic - fatties don't look cute or endearing with no pants on.
So, the moral of the story is:
Bones are beautiful <3

Monday, April 11

Stability

So, I'm glad I didn't gain *tootoo* much from this weekend's forced eating. But I was so down on Friday! Was the stability worth it? Hm.

Hello new follower Aye Ell! Maybe I'm just ignorant, but is there some connection between EDs and the name El or Ell or Ellie? Like Ana/Mia but for something else? Maybe it's just a really pretty name people like.

Posting on the April Challenge board will suck. But not too much, because that means for next week there will be a super loss, right?! This morning, I am:

126.8 (0.5 lbs up from last Monday. sad face.)

I ran 5 miles without stopping this morning. Longest I've ever run without stopping (or, probably ever in general). So I'm super happy about that. Intake is great today:

2 apples: 160
1 cigarette
...oh wait, that's it. :)

And super-high energy, must be from my morning run. Or restarting my Avesil and Slimquick intake. I've never taken both at once before because I didn't want to waste them (expensive...!) but oh well, need it this week to get off this gosh darn plateau.

SO. I have a PLAN for this week and I'm going to STICK TO IT and it will be AWESOME. (It's always easiest to stick to plans and do well right after abnormally high intakes. But I swear to God this will last!) I'll leave out the boring academic parts and stuff. But they're on my list here, which I took the liberty of printing out even. Can't break the rules if it cost paper and ink and it's set in stone like that, right? Right-os.

*[I totally understand if you want to skip this next part, might bore you...so if you want, you can skip to the next set of brackets]*

Monday (today!): Run 5 miles in the morning (done), run 2 miles after choir (soon's I'm done here), raw foods and liquids (loose rules) only, less than 500 cals for the day.

Tuesday: Run 2 miles before classes, liquid fast (loose rules), less than 350 cals for the day, 1 fruit allowed (I have an exam)

Wednesday: Run 2 miles before classes, raw foods and liquids (medium strict rules) only, less than 400 cals for the day

Thursday: Workout and run at least 2 miles after psych, less than 500 cals for the day (major psych presentation, will need brain food!)

Then I have diff rules for Friday-Sunday depending on whether I go home this weekend or not. (I really hope to goodness that I'm not boring you with all this! But it does help me too, because then it's even more set in stone and I'll have to face you-all and fess up if I fail). Here's if I stay here:

Friday: Workout and run at least 2 miles after choir, liquid fast (medium-high strict rules), less than 300 cals for the day

Saturday: Workout and run at least 2 miles, water/tea fast, less than 100 cals for the day

Sunday: liquid fast (medium strict rules), workout and run at least 4 miles, less than 350 cals for the day

Aaaaand, here's if I go home:

Friday: Fit in workout and 3-mile run wherever possible, water/tea fast during the day with less than 100 cals while here,  raw foods and liquids (loose-medium strict rules) once home

Saturday: do abso best to go to home gym for as long as humanly possible, abso lowest cal count possible, if weather is nice go biking

Sunday: abso lowest cal count possible at home, zero-cal water/tea fast once back at school, workout and run at least 5 miles

*[Okay here's the second set. Congrats if you made it this far! lol]*

Last but def not least, The Unbreakable Over-Arching Rules of This Week:
1. If I go over in cals (by 15+), I run an extra 1/2 mile in the next possible run.
2. Alcohol in moderation (3 "drink" max) on Thurs/Fri but not both.
3. No mixing weed and alcohol, but may do both on separate nights. Watch for muncies!!
4. May need to go shopping - buy food for this week only!
5. Start taking Slimquick and Avesil again.
6. At least 1 cup caffeinated coffee per day, and at least 50 oz of water or decaf/no-cal drinks.
***7. Food is the enemy; destroy it, not yourself! Every time I start binging, food gets thrown away, starting witht the noodle bowls! Cheese is next! Followed by anything else not on this week's menu!!

Alright, I should be done now. If any of you guys have any concerns about "hey, there's this loophole you might slip through and fuck up, fix it!" or "hey you missed something in your plan here" or any other comments or questions or anything at all, please leave a comment or email me or something alright?

I'm sooo sorry for the long posts recently and also that they lack the reward of lots of thinspo! I need to start getting my thinspo off my comp and onto a USB or something, I have so much it's slowing this machine down! But here's a few:







Found this yesterday on Facebook - my friend is actually the bigger girl here. It kind of sucks to see her so big. But I'm gonna be tinyyyyyy like the other girl here next time we meet!
Stay skinny and strong and most importantly, HAPPY <3
Bones are beautiful <3

~EDIT~
So maybe I should say what my various levels of liquid-fasting mean?

Loose rules = applesauce, yogurt, soup with chunks, smoothies, caloried/flavored water, caloried coffee drinks, etc count
Loose-Medium Strict rules = everything above but chunky soup (other soup ok tho) and smoothies
Medium Strict rules = everything directly above but applesauce and yogurt
Medium-High Strict rules = everything directly above but soup
...and of course anything above that is just the water/tea/no-cal drinks liquid fast

Sunday, April 10

RIDICULOUSly Long Weekend Post

Okay, happiness first!

Hello to my 3 newest followers: matrunner, Little Jo, and Amelia! matrunner and Amelia (and indeed, anybody I've missed - supersorry!!!), if you have blogs that you'd like me to follow, I'd love to, only I can't see them! So just comment or email or something. :)

Thanks for all the well-wishes on my last post, I have to say they really made my day when I got back home and read them! (And, as you'll soon see, I reeeally really needed it...)

And I don't do this often enough, but:
Vasilikie: LOL that is the greatest tip ever! haha And it's one of those great ones that once you use it, you don't have to worry about accidentally reusing it, it's always good. :)
Thin_Envy: Thanks, I might consider using that - is there diff kinds or just one? Have you ever tried Slimquick? And, I'm somewhere between 5'3" and 5'4", I usually just say 5'3" because then my BMI is higher and the "suggested cals per day" is lower. I think I'm actually closer to 5'4" tho...?

And, down to business.

Friday evening:
Went out with the boy, I did so well! Maybe 3/4 cup steamed brocco at most, and 1/2 the burger, to bring a total of about 420 (minus all that running!) for the day. Afterwards we went and smoked SO. MANY. JOINTS. It was ridiculous. We shared one on the way to his dorm, then shared another...2 I think with 3 of his friends. But they were drunk so Dylan, me, and the other girl there shared most of it. I don't get very high or very easily, which sounds nice but I still get the munchies. And I get super-tired after. But don't worry I didn't eat anything, we just walked all over the damned place (more cals burned whoop!)

Dylan did stay the night over, which was nice (didn't break the ban! No worries!!) because then we didn't even leave my place till after lunchtime-ish. We went to eat then and I went to class and etc etc, had to run to get to the leaving place on time for the thing this weekend (whoaa, suddenly just lost all interest in finishing this train of thought, wtf?). Anyway, before that, my total was at most 400-420. I could tell that Friday was a definite loss day. You know the days when you feel so super slim and you weigh in and lose like 3-4 lbs? Yeah, that was Friday.

Then we left and the shit started goin' down.

[CAUTION: VENT]
At every turn, it was like, okay, we've been sitting here for like 2 hours, time for another full meal! And it was always, hey, anybody up for an ice cream bar? Here, have a chocolate! Are you sure that's enough? And the meals, good god, just awful. I'd sit down with, you know, an already ridiculous amount of just fruits and veggies, and they'd shove rolls on my plate and say, grr, just all those things they say, you know? Sorry for saying "you know" so much. It's just...ugh. You know. And the chef was offended that I wasn't eating more and the other girls kind of freaked out that I wasn't eating as much as them and made a big deal out of it and our group leader took me aside and talked to me (HOW humiliating!) and everyone was asking if I was ok and didn't I like it? Wasn't I having fun? What's wrong what's wrong what's wrong?

AHHH.

So I ate.

AHHH.

I tried to keep track as best I could. I think I was around 1000 for Friday...not even going to venture a guess for Saturday or today. Not eating anything else today, that's for damn sure. I'm so scared for the weekly April Challenge weigh-in tomorrow, I know that I've gained. I'll be the only one to gain, I know it, and I'll have gained like another 4 pounds and everyone will see and be like, wow, why is she in this challenge, what a fuck-up. I know that no one will actually say that, obvz. But someone will be thinking it. I know I will. I'll die of embarrassment. Do I have to post if I've gained? Can I just say, "I've gained, I'm shit, next week," and be done with it?

So I promised myself and Olivia Lee that I'd run 5 miles today to make up for it. (Won't make up for it.)(But I'll try anyway.) Also I took some laxies so maybe that will help get it out of my system, as I haven't had much luck, um, moving it along so far, so it's mostly all still in there. So I'm just studying (as you can see, ha) and waiting for my laundry to be finito then I'm heading out, thunderstorm or not.

So, that was my weekend in a nutshell. Nutshell-ish. A single post at least. I wonder how big of a nutshell people mean when they say that? Is it bigger than an acorn cap, or would an acorn cap be more appropriate in this case? Okay now I'm just being ridiculous, and I'm pretty sure that's the 3rd time I've used that adjective in this post. That's my cue to stfu.

Oh! Okay 1 more thing, This weekend while we were supposed to be having an independent Bible study, I accidentally ran across a few good foody-starving-hunger-type verses, I'll post them. Mostly for me, because I don't know which of you lovelies (if any) are Christian or religious or anything. But maybe you can still use them anyways?

Ok I'm done I'm done I'm done! Post title...hmm...oh, I've GOT it. :D

Sorry no thinspo today girls, I have to ACTUALLY study for my exam this week. (If possible, please fly out and shoot me first. I'll pay for your plane ticket.)

Loves and skinnies and beauties and happies to you all!!
Bones are beautiful <3

Thursday, April 7

Fie, Fi, Fo, Fum...Ho-Hum

I'll get it out of the way: I weighed in a bit higher this morning. Not too much though, which is interesting to say the least, considering my rice cake slip-up last night. Today's weight was:

124.6

which is a gain of 0.2 pounds. After I got back from my run I tried again and was 124.5. Not surprising, because although I probably lost a lot in sweat, I drank a lot afterwards as well.

Went for another run after my exam. Was supposed to work out with my Tuesday workout buddy, but surprise surprise, she didn't come AGAIN. So I just ran an extra 1/2 mile after I found out she wasn't coming.

Dinner with my boy Dylan tonight, but I'm not too worried. This is my intake for my liquidy fast day:

Activia: 70
Activia: 70
apple: 80 (I had to have something before my exam for brainpower, which explains the other yogurt too)
applesauce: 50

total: 270

and I know I burned at LEAST that running today, so my cal balance today will pretty much be what I eat at dinn. We're going to Quaker Steak 'n Lube (that boy is SUCH a meat-eater...!) and I know that their veggie burger is pretty good. Can't find the facts on it, but at BDubs, the Boca is 250 total. The one at Quaker is made with like, sunflower seeds or something, so I'm guessing a bit higher, like 300 maybe? Probably won't be able to eat it all (it's huge), but even if I do, I'm ok with that.

Also, I smoked 1/2 a cig after my run this morning and a full one this afternoon. (lol I'm still so new at it, you'll probably get lots of updates on that front haha). Abso lost my hunger, just like that. And I'm getting better at it, only coughed like 1x, maybe 2 on that last one. Bueno, yeah? I guess it depends on which way you look at it! But really, I'm only using them so I don't stuff my face.

Oh, new love: Arizona tea, the no-carb green tea with ginsing. My previous fave was the green tea with honey and ginsing, which was 70 cals/serving (210 for the can!). But I happened upon this one today, and it's zeeeeerooooo cals! I've had two today. :)

So, question for you all: what do you guys do for bloating? Or to prevent it? Coz I always end up getting horribly bloated after eating out with Dylan, and what could be less sexy than that? (Not that there will be any sexiness going on tonight, not down to ban-lift weight yet.) I mean, yeah, there's Gas-X, but (haha call me immature) it's kind of embarrassing to take...hmm I don't know, I'll take one beforehand just in case and be sure to drink lots and lots while I eat, which is of course a good idea anyway.

Alright, better go spruce up for the boy...Not in the mood for applying make-up buuuuuut, probably should. :)

So, everybody have fun tonight (or, tomorrow, or something, for you crazy people in other time zones!) and love yourselves and drink lots of water and put on a diff smell than usual and sing loudly and just be effing amazing ok? Coz tomorrow, tomorrow's the day! :)

Bones are beautiful <3

Since I'm so obsessed with smoking right now...enjoy :)