Scared

Hey, I think I'm getting back in the game. Lately I can't get these things off my mind, though I've got more than enough on my plate without devoting my life back to this blog and numbers and the scale. Been thinking of coming back here, maybe making a new blog, unstained by the person I was years ago. But I thought maybe I'd start here, where it's safer.

Current weight is 119.8. My body shape is different than it used to be, I have these things called "saddlebags" now (wth?? Just learned that terminology a couple weeks ago, I've been calling them "under-butts"). I was under 118 but I ate some leftover pizza tonight after surgery class today and this is where I'm at from that.

There's two other things that are making it a little tougher on me right now as well. I had to move back in with my mom after certain, uh, mental health issues prompted my psychiatrist to recommend it. Also, I've just started a new relationship in November, and he is definitely not a healthy person. Although he's a smoker, so he wouldn't care if I picked that back up on a regular basis. He's really a wonderfully supportive and understanding guy though, last week I basically had the human form of parvo and he stayed by my side the whole first 36 or so hours until he absolutely had to leave. He doesn't know about any of this though. About PollyAnna or my past.

He does, however, appreciate my hip bones and constantly uses them as "handles" when we're in bed together which makes me feel awesome :)

Downside? We're going to Cali with his family in less than two weeks. Yeah...you saw the above number. Talk about a trigger.

I've really avoided coming back here for the longest time. Anytime these thoughts would cross my mind, or I'd wonder just how many calories a person was carelessly consuming, or anything like that (you know those automatic thoughts we have), my mind would run screaming scared - I can't go back to that, I can't let myself back in that trap, don't think about it, don't let yourself go there!!

Yet here I am.

I've been served my humble pie. I know what I have to do, and really I've just been too lazy to do it. I miss the pictures I spent so many hours staring at, I missed the music that filled my room and my head (SO to anamiamusic), I missed talking to wonderful, beautiful ladies who understood and supported me and knew I understood and supported them right back. I missed the order of things, everything in its right place, the right numbers.

What do you think? New blog or not?

And...is it good to be back? Or not?