I just don't understand, though! I've been doing everything right. A, maybe A- on restricting. Could do better on the working out, but I still should NOT be gaining/maintaining at an avg intake of <500 cals/day! Maybe it's coz I haven't been sleeping enough? Maybe my metabolism is just down so low between that, restricting, and not-as-much-exercise-as-I'd-like...Shit. I don't know. Just wanna give up. But give up what? Eating? Ha, I wish. Fuck you, body. Just fuck you. [Sorry for the French.]
I was walking to psych class today, and had this flashback to when I got "hit by the bike" and "scraped on the road" and "got scratched deep enough to leave scars". Yeah, right. What a whopper, but the world fell for it. I'm actually not sure how, considering these cuts were at least 3x and long and much deeper than the ones on my leg when I went into the hospital, and they were threatening to give me stitches for those.
Anyway, since the whole bike accident thing never actually happened, I was actually thinking about me walking to a different psych class on that same street in warmer weather...I was wearing cute plaid shorts. I had stick legs, at least as stickish as mine ever got. My hipbones were the only thing holding those size-3's up. I loved my bones. Walking, I could feel the weight of my clothes on me. People looked at me. People commented on how they wished they looked like me. I would lie in bed, feeling the sharp angles of my beautiful, beautiful hipbones, ribs, collarbones. I loved me. Not now.
I was reading an article, just, oh, must've been 2-3 days ago. The doctor said that a big chunk (pun unintended) of anoretics that go through treatment end up swinging to the other end of the spectrum and binge-eating or becoming bulimic. I am part of that percentage. I am sick and disgusting. I am a treatment "victory" statistic. I. AM. FAT.
I want my bones back.
I want to see them.
I want to feel them.
I want them.
I will have them.
Because bones are beautiful. <3
Theme today: in bed. coz I want to feel my bones there again.
[just realized that this may actually be a backseat. ah well, same same.]
referring to the last picture. i can have fries when im skinny. i wont let myself have them until i reach my goal weight... although, thats becoming farther and farther away due to my lowering it... oh well. you can do it, darling. just keep taking steps in the right direction and stick to it. <3 stay lovely.
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