Well, I don't know why I feel like I deserve to post, but I will. At least I'm not feeling too badly right now. I'll try to keep this post to the short like the last few, but I have some things to say. Yes, I guess it's personal diary time again.
What does binging mean to me? I thought it meant just the usual: the horrid inner backup, the extreme guilt, the gain, the renewed determination. But I do believe that it means something more.When I binge, I feel like an animal: uncontrollable, shoveling in, disgusting, something that should be in a cage. Then, in the aftermath of being unable to stop, I feel like, fuck it, I'm already beyond countable calories, I want this food, I want this taste, and what better time than when I'm already fucked? So it becomes a right for me, something I deserve, almost like a reward.
Unacceptable. But now that I know I'm thinking like that, I can stop it. And I will. I must, or give in to my genetics and those primal, animal urges. And THAT is not an option.
I look at pix of me when I was nearing my low weight (I have none from when I was actually there.) At that time, I was eating 160 calories per day, working 8-10 hours, and working out about 2.5 hours per day, with no problem. It was no sweat, no worries. So much easier, and I don't understand why. I can't wait to get back to that frame of mind.
Life was sweet and easy and skinny. It will be again, no worries. I got it.
So, this week's plan is out the window, but my friends know I'm "sick", so they won't think anything of it if I happen to miss an event or two [for a several-hour workout] or if my stomach can't handle a few meals [because I won't let it].
Throwing away food this morning WAS therapeutic. And very scathing and cathartic. Threw away the noodle bowls minus the soup ones, because they're *fairly* lo-cal. Threw away all cheese and bread and pizza.(Yeah...I still had pizza...it was good for when friends came over, but I'd end up binging on it just as much as entertaining with it). Then I started to go off today and went for the soupy noodle bowl.
That's when I realized it wasn't about the cals at all; it was about the control, the emotions associated with it. Out went the noodle soups. Every item I have now is either liquid, fruit/veggie, or...canned wild rice? Hm...
I think my roommate saw my food all in the kitchen garbage; she didn't say anything though. She probably just thought I was even more of a fucktard than she already did. Oh well! I wish I could run right now, but 1. I thought it would probably be unwise to run with all this food in me, and 2. I wouldn't want to show up at the gym with my belly distended like this (tomorrow after the laxies it'll be better). And 3. the gym closes in 4 minutes.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement from Domino, Thin_Thrills, Vasilikie, and a kindly anonymous. I don't deserve the credit you all give me; I'd completely understand if y'all took a paddle of tough love and battered me over the head with it. Zane - I didn't really intend for it to be a flush, though it did keep me "on the move" today...I had just heard from a few people that if you gulp lots of warm super-salty water it would make you puke, so that's what I was going for. The best laid plans of mice and men...psh. Oh - anonymous commenter, if you're reading this: I'm doing a post about God and my faith soon; people wonder how I can reconcile faith and ED. If I hadn't screwed up it would've been this post. I won't mind if there's anybody who doesn't want to read that post for whatever reason.
Ok enough sob story!! Happy things for today: my psych prof personally sought me out to tell me that my lecture/presentation was great and engaging!! Evil icky food is gone!! Okay!! ...That's really all I got. In the 50/50 range is the fact that for either tomorrow night or Saturday night, I have a pot brownie. About 200 for the brownie but it will be all I eat that day. And it's a freakin' pot brownie, pretty much one of the only remaining ways I haven't experienced weed yet. Hope it's fun!
Alright, I know this is crazy, buuut...I should *probably* go study for that Swedish exam tomorrow...and also probably write that Swedish essay that's due tomorrow...hm. I wish I could be as prolific a Swedish essay writer as I am a blog-post writer.
Wish me luck kicking some Swedish essay/exam and calorie ASS tomorrow!! When shit hits the fan, ya gotta scrub up!
No thinspo sorry :(
Next time!!
Bones are beautiful <3
lol about the puking- so true. since yesterday was my last day of the mc i was thinking i'd do the salt water flush instead of lax tea. what a disaster. even before i drank it the memory of previous intake was damaging. i got through half of the 2 cups and decided i was going to puke if i took one more sip.
ReplyDeleteHow decribed biging is exactly what a binge is. Out of control eating, as fast as you can, as quick as you. Then suddenly realising what you've done and purging or taking lax.
ReplyDeleteTry to fight the binging, cos the more control you can have, the more weight you can loss. :)
Dont be too dishearted though huni x x
I wish I could throw out food like that. Unfortunatly I live with my family and I don't think Mother would be happy if I trashed the kitchen. I've quarentined my safe foods to a cabinet so I don't have an excuse to go near the other food. The pantry is off-limits all together. Anyway, keep strong and work towards losing.
ReplyDeleteSkinny Love,
Ellie