Hi.
I think I just posted a little while ago. Sorry if I did. Psych lecture drove me to binging. It's not done yet either. Lecturing tomorrow. Fuck.
Tried to purge. Failed of course, haven't been able to vomit on purpose for a couple years. What the hell. Tried drinking tons of warm salt water. Made me feel shit, but no puking. Just major dehydration and a waste of time that could've been spent on this goddamn lecture.
Fuck everything, I'll just get up early. Maybe skip Swedish. No weigh-in tomorrow. Wouldn't be able to handle the stress of a gain plus the psych lecture. What was I thinking, that I was smart, that I was special, taking this fucking extra psych seminar as a freshman when everyone else clearly had a much greater background in the major. Fuck me. Fuck my life.
Okay I'm done, not a personal diary, remember, sorry. Also sorry for the language.
Bones are beautiful <3
p.s. Keeping to my rule about throwing away food if I binge - tomorrow. Not tonight. It will be therapeutic to wake up early and trash my pantry. My roommate will wonder what the hell is going on, haha. But guess what, only healthies left for me, finally doing what I should've done long ago, getting rid of those fucking Asian noodle bowls. They're the death of me.
Fuck, I always say "ok I'm done now!" and then I keep blabbering my face off, on and on. But I'm really really done for real after this paragraph, hope this wasn't too long, hope you all enjoy the new shorter post format, hope you all can forgive me for the last 2 hours or so. Hope the scales can too. Can't ever forgive myself though. But good night y'all, have a cheery bright sunshiney morning.
Bones are beautiful <3
you dont give yourself enough credit....you are smart & special <3 xx
ReplyDeletei've read for a salt water flush that you are not supposed to do it after a day of eating, only when you've fasted for the day. there's too much undigested food to go through and you don't have a release.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. Never mind you'll get over it and things will be fine. Just remember that being thin is important and when (not if) you achieve it you'll know why you wanted it so badly.
ReplyDeleteI keep having to remind myself that if I want to thin enough, if I want the elusive IT enough, I'll get there. Good luck with the studying,
Fat free love x
You'll pull through this, look at the stress as a way to avoid food "oh I couldn't possibly sit down to dinner, I have so much work to do!"
ReplyDeleteThanks for your book suggestion, I'll check it out!
Yas sou & Yas sas are ways of saying hello in Greek, which was my first language as a child. I've recently gotten back in the habit after a long trip to Greece last year.
You'll be amazing in that class and you will be thin.
Love
Clearly, you are alresdy genius...Nobody past the age of three learns new language without a very gifted brain and /or Gods love shining down on you.
ReplyDelete