I'm So Numb, I Think I'm Dying

i'm horrible. i hate myself. i'm sure at least one of you lovely beautiful wonderful girls will say something about how i can burn it tomorrow or everybody has a bad day and that you totally understand. i know you've been where i am now but my guilt from this won't fade quickly i'm hella certain. i realize too that my comments to you may not have been enough, that words arent enough when you're dying dying dying and your insides that are used to under-500's are cramping, they aren't sure what to do, they're twisting and grinding and painful...

i just binged. my boyfriend asked me what i was doing, i was messaging him on fb, i said eating some soup. it was true at the time, it was wat i started with. oh fucking god just kill me.

here's my day, if i can bear it:

friend came, thankfully atm was broken so i had no money to buy lunch, made it thru that, took her to the dairy store, first food after the liquid fast was about idk, 400 cals of ice cream, going high, thought it would help motivate me tonight. fuck that.

was craving chinese as usual so had 85 cals of squash before working out. workout was shit, could barely move the weights, so weak. smelled chinese on the way home and decided fuck it, i need strength, having Simply Asian soup when i get home. took forever deciding coz they're all too high cal. took the lowest cal one, 210 for the bowl. ate it.

tasted nothing. i can't taste my fave foods anymore. fuckfuckfuck.

it was down so fast i couldn't belive it was gone. then i was off and running, had another soup bowl at 220 this time then crackers with butter and at least 4 pcs of bread 70 cals each probably more than 4 tho i lost count also with butter

had to thaw the bread, it was in my freezer, put it in the micro on high couldn't thaw it fast enough for my mouth. put it away and was chugging water in hopes of stopping but it was too late too late

i was already feeling sick but i had a couple gobs of peanut butter and put it on 1/2 banana and another gob i feel so sick but i still can't purge god i wish i had those days back i want this junk out of meeeee

im sorry im so manic my stomach is just in so much pain right now coz it doesnt remember how to digest these things all this food at once so many fucking cals in the last 1/2 hour, idk how ppl eat this everyday, im going to die. i need to wear a bikini this weekend. i hate myself. just weighed myself, 127. i just gained 6 pounds so fast. i want to die

omg i need to calm down, as soon as i stop crying and can move without pain im hiking it to the store and reinvesting in my best friends, laxies. they will get this out and stop this, they will make me feel better, even though i'll still absorb all those cals. im with dylan tomorrow night, i'll die, he can't see me fat like this. fucking fat cow.

jesus christ im so messed up. my insides are messed up. my head's messed up. my weird eating is messing it up with dylan. he doesn't know, he can't understand, i can't tell him, i can't lose him, fml.

i'm leaving, i'm leaving now for laxies, next time i post i'll have my head on, i promise

i promise i'll do better, dear god i'm so sorry i let you all down, i love you all and wish i could be as beautiful as you... <3