I don't even feel like typing right now. But I will anyway.
Sorry if everything comes rushing out incoherently.
Sooo....my total for today was (*was*) 70. Just a light Activia Yogurt, 1/2 for brekkie, 1/2 for like...lunchish at 3pm. Wasn't even hungry or anything, but my friend and I made plans to eat at her workplace once she got off. Her workplace == University Housing Food. So, this was a bad idea from the get-go. But one thing I've really noticed and experienced myself is that the thinner you get, the more obsessed you get, the closer you get to your goals, the more your friends suck. Not really, it's just perception, but...I'm sure alot of you know how it is. So for those of you who don't, hold onto it. Go out to eat with friends now if you need to, coz later on, you can't/won't/won't want to anyways. So, I went for it. They don't even serve salads or anything, so I was planning on getting a pizza and saving 1/2 for another day.
Riiight.
Binged on that, also bought these things called "Justin sticks" and also cinnamon sticks, coz I've never eaten there before and apparently they were "must-have!". At least these two were for the group (her bf came as well), so I was planning to make a show of eating the smallest piece of each and raving about the deliciousness of them and letting her bf eat the rest. He prolly could've eaten it all even lol. Crazy fun guy but eats crazily too. Anyways, bust on that too. Blehhh. But still, as I got the thin-crust pizza and the healthiest toppings and left off much of the cheese, I roughly figured that what I ate was about 500-600 cals worth. Soooo bleh, but at least not over-the-top.
Then the walk home.
Okay, I should mention that I walked the 2 miles there and the 2 miles home, as I was supposed to work out today but couldn't because of the dinner date, which makes about...hm, I think nearly 10 miles walking about today. Still, walking isn't lifting or biking. And on the way home, I always need to walk through downtown...that was the end of me. Everything smelled so...smelly! In a desirable way! And even though I was full to bursting, I was still in bingey-mode. I made it almost, almostalmostalmost all the way home...then I passed my fave ice cream shop. (Why does it HAVE to be located right on my corner?! WTH?!) I prepared myself for a block in advance, not to go in, not to think of it, think of thin, think of already full, just walk...then I paused outside the door.
The pause killed me.
I got a single-scoop dish (improvement for me, I guess, coz I always used to get waffle cones even though they cost more coz I love love love them.) of some kind of malty one. Ugh, malty?! I couldn't at least get the green tea flavored, oh no, even though that's pretty tasty, I guess if I'm gonna fuck myself over I might as well go all the way. :(
So...get home...chugging tea and water like you wouldn't believe to end this madness. Then I get a text that thouroughly ...idk. Pissed me off, crushed my heart, made me cry, damaged my hope. From the same friend as I was just laughing and joking and pigging out with. So I made a fozen pizza, and didn't manage to toss it till I'd eaten 1/2. So, ice cream 200 and 1/2 pizza 200 and previous 600 or so == omfg. Not again. God damn binges. Hate it. Hate it all. Hate my life.
I've determined I'm a smile-stealer.
...Okay, no wussing out, must post the total. Oh shit this hurts. Ohhhhh...
800+ cals. Just one day.
Omg can't wait till the gym tomorrow, don't care if I'm still sore I'm gonna push myself till I can barely drag myself sweaty and beaten to Vespers. All I'm going to eat tomorrow is 1 yogurt, same 1/2 and 1/2 principle, and a little something awhile before workout so I don't absolutely collapse. Of course, today's cals will prolly still be clogging my system tomorrow, so I won't be hungry and won't need to nibble too much before the gym. Also, I'll need to eat the after-Vespers snack with my friends because I think my one good friend is catching on that's something's odd about my eating. (I wish I could combine her and I though, she's literally addicted to exercise and can get up at 6am to do it too.)
Just need to keep it low for now coz I'm going home this weekend...so many dangerous pitfalls and sandtraps for me to fall in...but more on that later, can't even think of that now, must just keep the cal count low as possible and continue to beat the hell out of myself. For Dylan, for myself, for the world so they don't have to put up with me and look at me. (Are you/Have you ever been okayish friends with an obv overweight person? Don't read me wrong; several of my very close friends are a tad chubbsy. It's got nothing to do with the beauty inside. But...isn't it just a little...uncomfortable? When that one bit of conversation glances at the topic of food or weight, just in passing, but then there's that one moment, when you know that while maybe you're not ideal, you're still much much thinner and healthier and more attractive than that person...idk, it's weird. I don't think I'm explaining the idea right and I'm just sounding like a douche.) (That was a long parenthetical thing.)
God, that boy Dylan...we had a wonderful time last night. I don't even remember now if I talked about it, but I will next post if I haven't already. But he wants to see me again. :) On Thursday night though...2 nights from now, ish. Less than 48 hours. Will I be able to recover from tonight's failure? Will I be able to be thinner for him? Will I look attractive and desirable to him even though I'm still in the 120's? (Btw, [god, how do I keep forgetting to mention this? It's like, the most important reason for the existance of this blog!] I lost another 0.2 pounds between yesterday and today. Not much, not noticeable, not significant, not enough. And now, after tonight, not anything. Not existant. Fuuudge.)
I'll tell you more about that horrible, singular, devestating text in another post coz I'm spent and it's much too depressing for someone who's already mindfucked and I still have Swedish homework to do. Oh gods, homework. I've been falling more and more and more behind every day in the work, the readings, even the going to class part of class, hah. Christ, I need to get my effing head on straight. Quick straight and in a hurry! Or I'm done for. In all ways.
Clearly.
Screwed.
I'm sorry lovlies that I have neither the time nor the energy to post thinspo, so here's to hoping that my fail will serve as a powerful reverse-thinspo to you.
...
God I wasn't even HUNGRY I could've had SEVENTY cals for the day but no!!! FFFFFFFFFFFFFML
Okay, sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. Thanks for reading this far, just needed to get this out. Oh, I also just realized that I mentioned my smile-thief theory above; well, that'll just have to wait till I also talk about that horrible text. So...sorry for the abundant lameness of today's post. I feel lame. I AM lame, just some people don't realize it yet. Blehhhhhhhhhhatehatehatehatehatehate.
Alrite, out-of-hand, need to stop it now. Y'all are my thinspo, just so ya know. Stay strong and boney and beautiful. <3
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